Player Comments on Lizzie and the Horrors of Hate
Funnily enough, I didn't realize this was a fanfiction of Gregor the Overlander until the scene in which you ask Midus questions while riding the Flyer. I wasn't aware of what "The Underland Chronicles" was, but over the course of the story I was putting the pieces together, and that scene finally made it click.
And that's a testament to how well you set up the atmosphere in the Underground, which is no easy task when your first introduction to it is being dragged under your bed abruptly. It flows very seamlessly, and that is a great accomplishment.
I have one continuity error that took me out of the story a bit, in the scene where you first meet Flipswitch, he compliments your ability to deduce that he's a Gnawer, and yet a few lines earlier he tells you he's suspected of treason by his fellow Gnawers. It wouldn't stand out so much if Flipswitch hadn't drawn so much attention to it.
That's really my only gripe with it, otherwise I appreciate this nostalgic nod to a great book series very much.
on 8/13/2019 6:52:24 PM with a score of 0
The writing was pretty good and there was a LOT of it, it's obvious you put a lot of work into it. Plotwise, I didn't notice too many changes from the unpublished version, so I feel a lot of what I wrote here still applies: http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/writing-workshop/message/18942#661682
Namely, the complaints I had there was that the story is extremely linear and it started to grate on me a little that the character was always being told what to do, with the response of 'Sigh! I guess I have no choice!' A CYOA really needs at least a couple of different branches, and in most fiction you want to avoid a passive protagonist.
It looks like you made the journal easier to navigate and added scripting to the links right before the final confrontation, so that's the two main technical issues from before fixed.
All in all a solid effort, I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.
on 4/2/2016 11:54:40 AM with a score of 0
I had a lot of fun playing this. It's been years and years since I read the Undertale Chronicles, but this game brought back a lot of nostalgia. You did an excellent job capturing the world of those books in this game. The pages were well-written, Lizzie was a compelling protagonist, and the adventure was both exciting and riddled with a lot of genuinely meaningful decisions.
My only nitpick is that when I reached a path that led to Epilogues 3 and 4, it put me into an infinite loop where clicking the epilogue link would send me back to the final battle page.
on 3/27/2016 12:31:10 AM with a score of 0
I really enjoyed this. The writing was immersive, detailed, creative and error-free the characters were well rendered enough for you to seriously care about them and you made excellent use of the branching system to allow readers to choose their own preferred ending. I think for readers patient enough to really get into the story this is an excellent read and there is definitely the potential for a whole series using these characters and settings.
I've never read "The Underland Chronicles" but you definitely seem to have taken the setting and the story and made it your own which is what good Fan Fiction should do. Great job!
on 3/24/2016 10:11:37 PM with a score of 0
Nice parody of Gregor and the Underlanders. I liked that series as a kid, and this was nicely made. The problem is, you tried to pass it off as your own work, making it a little bitter for me.
This matched the storyline quite well, and there are very few criticisms I can offer you. 5/8, only because you tried to pass the plot off as one you dreamed up yourself.
on 5/1/2019 11:27:25 AM with a score of 0
love it 8/8
on 5/1/2019 8:13:02 AM with a score of 0
This was quite fun to play through. My only gripe is that you're forced to click through 4 pages of just one link near the beginning, but after that it gets going very well.
on 3/20/2017 8:06:45 AM with a score of 0
I have never read the undertale chronicles in my life, and I gave this a seven. I can't wait to play it again! This is amazing!
on 4/1/2016 9:30:31 AM with a score of 0
What do you mean Lizzie lost her journal? I still have it in my inventory :3
on 3/26/2016 1:20:51 PM with a score of 0
Nice job! The end product turned out very nice. You should be proud! Congrats! :)
on 3/24/2016 10:24:11 PM with a score of 0
Almost impossible to die and took a long time to get to the point, but good job! Great story!
on 3/5/2016 8:04:35 PM with a score of 0