Player Comments on Martha Answers The Phone

Right from the first page, I could tell this would be a rough one.

The first sentence reads "You (Martha) wake up in bed." From the story description, the reader knows who they are, and if they didn't bother to read that, there's many better ways to tell the reader who they are. This just serves to make the sentence clunky to read.

Throughout the story, I noticed that there was very little description. Most of the actions have no substance to them until the very end, creating a rushed exposition and a comparatively long conclusion. This, for me at least, makes me much less interested in getting to the end.

I made a list of the several illogical actions and circumstances that I noted. I'm sure there were more, but here's a few:
- Why was there an unattended pistol in the backseat of the patrol car? Sure, you're friends with Kipler, but that's irresponsible of him. Though, given his actions throughout the rest of the story, it's not exactly out of character.
- Why the hell did you take the gun? There's no indication that you have any idea how to use a gun other than having a cop friend, and you also could cause a lot of trouble for yourself by taking it. However, for whatever reason, Kipler's completely chill with it.
- When you aim at the mobster, you aim for the chest. Why? Anyone would aim for the head.
- When you finally decide to shoot the main mobster, the others don't really do anything. You would think that they'd kill you on the spot for that, but they don't. They're also just completely fine with the officers arresting them, I guess.
- The main mobster kills Markus in front of Kipler, and Kipler does not draw his weapon. Why? That's plenty cause to use lethal force. Then, the side mobster draws a gun and holds his hands over his head (why?), then Kipler shoots the dude.

And finally, you made a slew of grammatical errors. Threw vs through was the main one I noticed. There were syntax and punctuation errors as well. Oh, also, please note the difference between a clip and a magazine, especially when you're writing a story with guns in it. A magazine has a feed system in it that pushes rounds into the chamber of the firearm, while a clip requires an internal feeding mechanism in the firearm to chamber the next round. Almost all guns today use magazines, so unless you're talking about WWI and before, you should just say magazine.

nice

Best possible ending!!

Very brief. Pleasant enough story.

a little boring but I guess its ok

A little linear, but still somewhat entertaining for a few minutes.