, #54 for
played 581 times (finished 107)
"march in the swamp"
"A well spent lunch break"
"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
Part of Series
Nutters 2, what are you waiting for? Play it!
Filled to the brim with grammar and spelling errors. Just on the first page, the words ‘recognize’ and ‘noise’ have been mercilessly butchered into “reakodnise” and “nosie”, respectably. Not to mention the awkward sentence phrasing.
“You wake up. There is a loud buzzing noise.”
This could be better formatted as: ‘A loud buzzing noise stirs you from your sleep.’
This sentence flows a lot better and tells the reader that the squirrel woke up due to the buzzing sound.
More awkward sentence phrasing: “You look down and see that the nosie is coming from the ground, where a man in a yellow jacket is sawing down your tree. There is a man next to him.”
This would be much better formatted as: ‘You look down and see a man in a yellow jacket with a chainsaw sawing down your tree. Another man stands idly by, seemingly waiting for the tree to fall.’
Since you’ve already mentioned the buzzing sound, there’s no reason to mention it again. It also solves the problem of it sounding like it came from the ground rather than the chainsaw.
“You can’t reakodnise him but you see a twitching eye, and you realise it an evil man. One that is obsessed with squirrel pelts.”
This would be much better formatted as: ‘You can’t recognize him but you see a twitching eye, and you realize it’s an evil man, one that is obsessed with squirrel pelts.’ This way, the fragment is fixed.
I also question how a twitching eye can signify evil but the fact that he wants to kill you doesn't. I also question how sawing down a tree to kill squirrels is a preferred course of action versus hunting rifles. I also question why the squirrel jumped to the conclusion that the man wants to kill squirrels when there's no evidence to back up that thinking and it's more likely that he would want the wood from the tree.
On the next page, the first quotation marks when a new piece of dialogue starts have spaces after them, the ‘I’s are not capitalized, a new paragraph does not start when a new piece of dialogue starts, and quotation marks are used for thoughts. Thoughts can be portrayed in a number of ways, but the best way in my opinion is to italicize the thought.
On the ‘save your mum’ path, why don’t I just wake her up? Also, “Crawl down tree” should be ‘crawl down the tree’ and “jump to another” should be ‘jump to a nearby tree’.
“There is a loud slicing nosie. And a head goes flying past.”
A fragment, change it to: ‘There is a loud slicing noise, and a head goes flying past.’
“It is five minutes later.”
This makes it sound like it’s already been five minutes rather than indicating a passage of time. This would be much better formatted as: ‘Five minutes pass, and still nothing.’
“It had been shot in the chest, and it’s eyes had been scratched out.”
This is past tense; this would be better formatted as: ‘It has been shot in the chest, and its eyes have been scratched out.’
“You struggle with him, he getts angry and bites your head off. The is one bad boy!”
This is just too random, unrealistic and unsatisfying. A kid does not have the ability to bite a small animal’s head off and would not try to do so. Not to mention that the storygame just ends right there, the death not even being interesting nor does it wrap up the story in a satisfying way.
Overall, the storygame desperately needs a thorough proofread. It also needs a complete overhaul that removes all the non-sensical, random and idiotic material and plot-holes, and adds in substantial material such as character development, descriptions of what is happening and what the environment and characters look like, backstories, personalities, and a clear and concise sequence of events that are believable. The only positive aspect of this game is that it isn’t linear.
on 2/20/2017 10:56:37 PM
on 1/1/2017 11:33:44 PM
on 12/16/2016 3:12:39 PM
Just plain stupid. Too random, unfunny, and absolutely terrible, gut wrenching, sickening grammar. 1/8.
on 5/4/2016 8:56:28 PM
Loved the original.
on 10/20/2015 3:02:31 PM
Terrible spelling. And rather dumb idea
on 5/13/2015 8:25:50 PM
How did a squirrel defeat a man?
on 4/25/2015 10:04:52 PM
Living Dead Squirrel!
on 3/31/2015 2:25:11 PM
That was mildly entertaining.
on 2/15/2015 9:18:18 PM
Mandy is a canible
on 12/22/2014 11:54:37 AM
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