Player Comments on Siblings

Definitely a quality storygame :D

This one was a very good example of good writing, since it focuses on quality and quantity, unlike most storygames where it's one or the other.

You did an amazing job of fleshing out a plot and giving the reader meaningful decisions and a variety of branches. The detail provided was enough to make a clear setting.

The situations were definitely mostly things that could actually happen, so they were pretty logical and related to the choices overall.

However, despite all these pros, there are a few cons.

You do need to work on your wording, because there were a few times when I felt that the sentence structure was a bit awkward.

The spelling and grammar could use a little work, as I saw multiple errors throughout the game (ex: in the first few sentences of the storygame the word "mattered" was spelled as "matted," on the page titled lie, "shoots" was spelled as "shots," etc.)

And, while most of the situations and events were logical and realistic, there were a few times where it did feel a bit illogical. Sometimes events seemed to happen for plot convenience.

You did do a good job in creating characters. Most of the characters had a good personality that remained consistent.

Overall, well done, but there's room for improvement. Proofread a bit more, rewrite the illogical situations, and this could no doubt be one incredible storygame. 5/8 :)

To start off, this is a good storygame. It's a great improvement over your last one which is always a good thing.

Now, the first thing I thought when I say you first page was, "Dang. What a block of text." I sighed to myself, for I feared that your second attempt would be a downgrade from your first. However, I decided to press on.

To be honest, the first few pages were excessively boring and quite passive in their language. I was beginning to wonder where and End Game link was when I noticed that the story was getting better. Therefore, I continued to read. By the end of the story, I was rather impressed with the story.

Also, I loved how you made a character named Steve. I won't spoil the plot, but I wonder if Steve24833 influenced your creation at all. :)

The best improvement that I see here is your increase in realistic situations. Everything felt as if it could actually happen (even though our protagonist was a bit of a useless nerd). I read through different storylines, and I was glad to find that it was quite branching. "Linear" storygames are somewhat common (I'm guilty), but this one most certainly was not.

The only major flaw of the story is the occasional missing word or spelling error. Other than that, this is a very fine addition to Modern Adventures. I hope that you continue to publish stories of this quality. :)

This is a big improvement over your first story. I can see what WIBN meant about passive language--there's a lot of info to absorb in the first couple of pages and it could be tightened up and presented in a more gripping way--and I also noticed a bit of tense switching, but once the story got rolling it all came together. The action was handled well and being a sidekick to Carla the Action Hero was fun.

(Okay, well...the protag is an unbelievable weenie for being physically knocked over by the kickback for a revolver of all things. Makes me suspect the author themself has never fired a gun, but that's a minor nitpick.)

But please, please do a more thorough proofread next time, or look for a volunteer on the Writing Workshop section of the forum. There were a lot of punctuation errors scattered throughout, and the recommendation I made on your last story about sorting out dialogue tags still stands.

Still, this was a solid modern action story, and we don't get too many in this style. Looking forward to reading your next story.

This was a great story game.

It's probably the best story I've read on this site so far. Fairly well written. 6/8

many grammar mistakes and run
on sentences. overall pretty good story

This was awesome to read, glade I found it, it was a little boring in the first few pages but got my interesting later on.

I see a trend over here...

You seem to be an aficionado for this specific writing style of yours. Start off with introducing the protagonist, some rather plain blocks of descriptive text, and slowly rise to a crescendo of literary excellence.

This style is well and good for me, but you might repulse some readers because they think the story is boring or something like that. Just saying.

Anyway, like your other story, there were still some spelling errors and whatnot. Please do think of a proofreader-for-hire in your next stories.

Negatives aside, it was nicely done. The story was moderately long, and the plot is okay, with enough choices to keep me and most others entertained. You got a lot of potential here, Ag.

Good job. Will drop all cents here. 6/8.

Quite interesting! The writing is a bit unpolished, particularly the dialoge, but it has plenty of details and provides lots of paths. Overall, it's a nice storygame that may not be perfect but is still entertaining.

Well, I enjoyed this :D
As before, the writing was great, though I noticed a few mistakes. Nothing especially glaring.
Keep up the good work :)

Marked improvement over your first story but there are still a lot of spelling and grammar errors but nothing an extra proofreading or two wouldn't fix. Keep writing you'll only get better.

I'll try to give a longer review later, but this story is surprisingly good. The voice is a bit passive, but the characterizations and dialogue seem fine from what I've seen so far. Additionally, there hasn't been any glaring logical inconsistencies like your last storygame.
Well, congratulations on significantly improving on your writing here. I hope to see more from you.

Wow. This was pretty amazing to read :)