Player Comments on The Lost Expedition (1)
As always, I will offer my opinions on the good and the bad. The bad is always longer because my goal is to help improve your storytelling.
The Good: Good idea and execution. Concise plot and excellent pacing; the story moved along briskly and I felt engaged the whole time. Interesting obstacles and results.
The Bad: First: the civilized explorer making himself a god to the natives theme is pretty worn out. It was fun to play it as a story game, but it felt unoriginal.
Second: the payoff of the decisions was unsatisfying because there was very little way to predict how things would turn out. It was less decision making and more chance.
Third: although this was interesting as a game, as a story it lies flat on the page. The key to making your stories come to life is the characters, man. The details! A lot of your descriptions of setting are -great-, but the characters are blank. If there are no relatable characters then the reader merely clicks through for the results. The key is to make me interested in what happens to the people in the story, not just seeing if I can "win." Who is the protagonist? Besides the lump of exposition at the beginning, he shows no personality throughout the story. The exception is the final scene where he loses his patience. That was good! But the reader has little emotional context. Is it uncharacteristic? Par for the course? It's boring for me to see the character snap at somebody if I have no idea whether that is normal or not. As a suggestion, I would also introduce some personalities to the party of explorers so the reader gives a damn whether or not they die.
Fourth: As I said your descriptions are good, but some are anachronistic. Don't use 21st century terminology to describe something in a story in the 18th century. The example that comes to mind is "eyes like x-rays," but I know there were others.
Conclusion: I rated it a 5/8. I have been dying for a good pre-modern explorer story, and this one is not bad. To be honest it felt half-baked and this should not have been published without the next part included, but kudos for completing this much.
For all its flaws, I enjoyed playing and I hope you continue to produce.
on 10/18/2017 5:14:37 PM with a score of 0
It was pretty good. It had errors(everybody has at least one) but overall impression is good.
on 5/24/2017 8:50:28 PM with a score of 0
I rated a 4. Overall, I found the story uninteresting and fairly boring, and noticed a couple of grammar mistakes. However, I do see your writing potential and I think that if you write some more stories and getting better at creating interesting narratives, you could write some great historical fiction. I look forward to playing/reading more of your work, and hopefully seeing you improve over time.
on 4/21/2017 6:22:33 PM with a score of 0
Amazing can't wait for the next
-- travis on 2/4/2017 8:22:09 PM with a score of 0
The use of the editor was simple, which I liked. The story and description of the plot was very nice. I did feel like the choices I had did not weight too horrible consequences, which is ok for a game like this.
on 12/13/2016 10:27:43 AM with a score of 0
Nicely written! I didn't notice any mistakes in spelling or grammar. I'm pretty happy with my results as well.
DAYS is 21.
EXPLORERS is 27.
SUPPLIES is 18.
on 9/27/2016 10:28:28 AM with a score of 0
6/8 I liked the writing a lot. Also the choices were well thought out and were not instant death. Choices mattered but didn't stop you from enjoying the game. I look forward to part 2
on 4/16/2016 4:07:07 AM with a score of 0
Good a did liked it a lot. Had to think about my choices and plan ahead witch is something not to many story games make you do.
on 3/29/2016 3:30:09 PM with a score of 0
Nice story i'll be waiting for the next part
on 3/26/2016 4:18:52 PM with a score of 0
Fine, I guess.
-- Shadow on 11/16/2015 8:56:26 AM with a score of 0
A very good time. Entertaining with great grammar and sentence structure. Fun story, with straight forward choices. I look forward to the sequel, Thanks!
on 10/26/2015 5:10:54 PM with a score of 0
This story is exceptionally well written, and very interesting. I hope you get around to writing a sequel.
-- invisible on 10/3/2015 10:14:28 AM with a score of 0
It is pretty good just super short
on 4/18/2015 1:22:24 PM with a score of 0
31 and 9 supplies with 18 explorers, cool
on 3/30/2015 10:15:54 AM with a score of 0
I can see why this is featured. Not one grammar mistake, Great plot, overall great story! I wish that there were more stories like this on CYS.
on 2/9/2015 11:45:06 PM with a score of 0
We played this on our podcast and had a fun time! Good story, not too hard and plenty of surprises. Looking forward to Donovan's Curse!
on 12/4/2014 8:58:10 PM with a score of 0
on 11/19/2014 8:30:54 PM with a score of 0
Excellent story, I didn't like a little sentence at the start but overall I enjoyed it, top points from me. :)
Hurry up and get the sequel done now! :)
on 11/19/2014 2:36:07 PM with a score of 0
Very interesting and well written. I must say though, there are a few writing errors, and it would be cool if you could implement a sort of system of trust, that when it goes to 0, your men overpower you, and it's game over.
I'm going to be waiting for the second one, but don't feel rushed, because you are. Not.
on 11/18/2014 9:53:25 PM with a score of 0
Enjoyed. The grammar could do a little polishing up, specifically during dialogue, but all in all it was a great storygame. Both consequences and rewards for actions, and a nice, good story. Very well done.
on 11/18/2014 7:17:44 PM with a score of 0
That was great
on 11/18/2014 5:29:27 PM with a score of 0
on 11/17/2014 6:09:49 PM with a score of 0