Player Comments on The Mystery in Howcliffe Manor

General Recommendation: Fans of traditional murder mysteries will enjoy attempting to puzzle out the guilty party in this well-written and atmospheric game. Players should be prepared for an extremely linear game without many meaningful choices, however.
Preview: Can you solve the murder of industrialist Arthur Fitzwilliam?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
I really like this work as a story, but I don’t think it can be fairly called a storygame. It’s more of a linear short story with an interactive component.
This game does an excellent job setting the tone, through its description, setting, character/setting names in particular, and dialogue. Everything feels tonally consistent, and it’s clear from the character’s speach styles and references to the world around them that the author has done their research.
Though the game is short, all the characters have clear and strong personalities that remain consistent throughout. They all also have unique character voices, which is and oft-neglected aspect of writing, and particularly important in the mystery genre.
The mystery itself isn’t particularly challenging; all the clues are well-placed and there’s nobody else with a strong motive. This doesn’t detract from the game since it’s short enough that by the time the player has the information they need to figure out the guilty party, the game is just about over. In a longer and more complex game, I would expect a less obvious resolution with more diverting red herrings, but what exists here is appropriate for the length.
This game feels a lot like a tribute to they mystery genre as a whole, which as a mystery fan, I appreciate. All the traditional murder mystery elements are touched on in a caring way.

Specific notes:
-The intro section establishes the setting and protagonist quickly, though it does use a bit more “telling” than “showing” when describing the narrator. It gives the reader the information they need without overwhelming them.
-The narrator’s interest in dialects is a good character detail.
-We get a good sense of the narrator’s skills of observation through how he describes the guests.
-When is this story set? It doesn’t feel like the modern day, but a specific time is never mentioned.
-There is a noticable lack of meaningful choices in the beginning of the story. As this is a mystery game, this isn’t a huge problem, since the reader is in the gathering information phase.
-The face being completely unrecognizable would seem to indicate it may not be Fitzwilliam.
-The narrator’s feelings surrounding the murder are covered, but not dwelt on; appropriately for a character and game of this nature. Details like the “liked? Liked.” comment in parenthesis show his feelings without distracting from the mystery.
-ARH = Archibald?
-Mary Hemming’s cursing is an amusing character detail.
-The class tensions lurking in the background of this game provide a nice backdrop for the conflict.
-My current guess is that the dead body is actually Mr. Smith.
-I like the inclusion of all the traditional murder mystery elements in this game; like the hidden drawer and now a secret passage.
-Yeah, Fitzwilliam totally faked his death to escape exposure for tax fraud.
-The ending of this game feels very abrupt. You’re investigating, and suddenly the crime just solves itself. The player’s investigations never really matter.

Grammar:
All good!
Mastery of Language:
Particularly good, the writing and language is easily this game’s greatest strength, it's clear the author has strong writing skills. The description in this story is excellent, scenery is described in a pleasant way that flows well and communicates the needed information without going into unneeded detail. The sentence structure flows very well in this game.

Branching:
None, this is a very linear game.

Player Options/fair choice:
Good, the player has the opportunity to investigate all the relevant areas.

WRITING ADVICE:
The sections that tell the player about the protagonist come across as telling instead of showing. See if you can work this information into dialogue, or intersperse it with description by having the protagonist’s reminsices prompted by external objects and events.
Particularly in the beginning, many of your sentences start with “you”, and describe the narrator’s actions and feelings directly to the reader. Excessive use of the word “you” in this way can seperate the reader from the narrator and break immersion. This is only noticeably distracting in the earlier parts of the game, it doesn't happen later on.
I recommend cutting out much of the link-clicking to get from page to page. Players don’t mind longish pages, and repetitive single-link options just hammer in that there aren’t any choices availiable.
I recommend making links for repeated conversations clickable only once.
My biggest recommendation would be to change the format of this game, since it isn’t really a storygame; it’s a linear short story. The only major difference in gameplay is in the interview section, depending on whether you investigate the voices or shouting, and even then, the same information is communicated. In the past, I’ve read puzzles similar to this where the player reads through a linear background information section, and then the text pauses, telling the player they have all the information they need to solve the crime, and to stop here and figure it out before reading the next section. I think that format would work best for this game, since the player’s choices only affect flavor text, not outcomes.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I guessed the solution shortly after Mr. Smith’s disappearance became known.

CONCLUSION: A fun, atmospheric, and well-written murder mystery story, though not a storygame.