Player Comments on The UNDOING > ChooseYourStory.com

cool

— Voltage on 11/29/2016 7:08:19 PM with a score of 0

Well I noticed one or two spelling errors, and I thought it was really linear. I chose a path were it says I see the other characters in shock and theres a zombie near them, and that's literally what it said. No detail. A better way would be to add more detail.

I feel you could tweak the maturity rating a bit, after all, it's about zombies... Not really something i'd call 1/7 maturity.

There was a lot of odd switcheroos, such as the example Bucky gave when you switch between second and third person on the vey first page of the story.

Also, I found a lack in originality. There are multiple zombie stories on this site, and it would have been nice to get a different type of creature. Perhaps something else would have worked better.

Keep trying your hardest, mabye you'll create something better then this.

— MinnieKing on 11/26/2016 5:09:13 AM with a score of 0

You switch between second and first person on the very first page of your story. This was shoddy and hastily done. Take some time and pride in your writing. Mistakes like this have no excuse.

There's a long list of problems here, but I'll just focus on a few big ones that jump out on the first page.

The laundry list of characters with no other description is bland and meaningless. The reader has no idea who they are, other than "family," and no reason to care about them at all. You must evoke emotion from your reader. Give us a reason to love or hate the characters.

You open the story with random unimportant morning activities. Why would anyone want to read about your characters brushing their teeth or eating breakfast? The goal is to hook the reader as soon as possible, not to bore them to death. Unless something adds to characterization or advances the plot, it shouldn't be in your story.

— Bucky on 11/22/2016 10:29:21 AM with a score of 0

Very short, disconnected from choice to choice, a couple of the link tags were just the words on the current page with no indication of where they led. lots of errors mostly grammatical but some misspellings as well. This needs lots of work to be a finished story, but it is still an okay start. read some of the Zombie stories in the horror genre list for ideas.