Player Comments on Trouble in paradise part one

The story has a decent concept, but there are a few issues-
1- The story was as linear as y=mx+b. Each option gave you two choices: one leading to death, the other leading to survival. If there were more options in the story that led to survival, allowing multiple paths to form, it would improve the story.
2- Your writing left a lot to be desired. It wasn't as descriptive as I would have hoped and no picture was painted in my mind.
3- The character. I know nothing about my character and I know nothing about the man. Who is this man and what's his name?
Anyways, if you worked on these things, you could have yourself a good story.

COME ON STARVING TO DEATH NOT EVEN 20 MINUTES F*** THIS S***

This is one of the most linear games here. So please please please! Improve it. Thank you in advance.

I notice that there is always one choice that leads to death, and then the other leads to success. This is generally not what you should do. It is also very short and I found some grammer mistakes.

You say "do all choices for full experience," but it's utterly linear. Every page has two choices, one which continues the story, one which leads to game over.
Oh, I'm wrong, one page the "wrong" choice just forces you to pick the "right" choice instead.

This is one of those examples of a "part one" that didn't need to be- it's a length 2, it's not at all a complete story, and there's no reason why it should break for part two at that particular point.

Do you know any other way to address the player other than 'you'? That's pretty much how almost every sentence starts: You do this, you do that, you get this, you go there, you eat this, you vomit that, you, you, you, you, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU!

Other than that, this story is very short and every decision is a do or die kind thing. There's no thinking, just hoping the next click won't kill you. It's nothing but russian roulette hoping the next link is an empty chamber rather than actually making a good decision.

It could have been longer and more descriptive, some of the deaths were random, especially that guy at the end. good idea for a story though

This was kind of boring, as there were only two options, and one always lead to failure. The maker obviously had potential, but he clearly didn't try to make this storygame good.
2/8

Not bad for a first storygame, though next time you have a few things to work on.
It has an interesting plot, and isn't quite what I expected. However, I think you need to work on your spelling and grammar - though I've definitely seen worse.
Maybe it could have been a bit longer? I know you're doing it in different parts, but myself I would have gone and done it in one or maybe two storygames. If you are doing it in parts, you could try and polish it a bit more, to make each part a worthwhile story.
However, I've seen much worse out there, so overall, not bad, but not brilliant either.