Player Comments on wild wild west 2.0
First off this is not bad at all…in the beginning that is. As you continue reader is gets worse almost like you lost creativity or time to go over the story. Good idea just needs some care and attention is all. I gave you a three because it shows that you tried and didn’t just write it in ten minutes but it needs to be looked over again.
There are some odd word choices and some sentences that seem to run on a bit. Also, you have many capitalized words or letters for no reason and other words that need capitalized but are not. Simple errors that wouldn’t require too much to fix. Among these errors are ones that are just kind of confusing as if you lost your thought. (Ex. Selling man dead animals and much blood is smeared.) The further I read, the more issues with spelling become apparent.
I didn’t like how I had to guess when to use the gun. It ruined the immersion to see the error message saying it couldn’t be used here. I had to flip back and forth to find the page that allowed the gun to be used on the farmer who threatened me.
I was also able to purchase things like a gun even when I didn’t have enough money. When you are playing with variables you should check to make sure that it works the way it is supposed to.
Another thing to lose immersion is adding a time jump with no warning or any sentences that would bridge the time. I went from being conscripted and boarding a train to lying in a ditch on the battlefield looking for my men????? There are more of these time gaps almost like our character has issues remembering times. Talk to the brother, go after Chucho and next page in a gun fight immediately. You should instead build up and describe the place and help the reader visualize the world.
I do like how you used a southern accent while the characters are speaking, it helps bring the reader in more. You also did well with adding history in here and there even if some of it was out of nowhere.
view more...
—
TheDeadKin
on 2/22/2020 8:57:32 PM with a score of 0
You don't have bad writing, you have a lot of potential. However, you have rushed the planning of this to the point this is not a choice of anything id basically follow a linear path with one or two aesthetic choices here and there. The intro is good but then the game became a plotless. linear experience about being conscripted that is not fun or serve anything in the plot.
Another problem is you didn't code the game objects in a logical way. If a noob that doesn't know how objects work and that you have the click in the icon to grab the object play this game, it will end stuck in with no choices as the reader doesn't havethe object the scene required. This fact can be solved really using a single line of code making the object go directly to the inventory. After being captured and released there are several scenes to choose that make the flow really really slow. It would be better just jump to epilogue
view more...
—
poison_mara
on 2/14/2020 5:17:53 PM with a score of 0
I was really impressed with the first few pages. Your pacing was nice, and although some of the words were misspelled and some of your sentences were a little wonky, I was very impressed that an eleven year old could write like that.
The premise was also interesting - The Great Plains during the Civil War? Doing missions for people in town? Getting enlisted? I was interested to see what you'd do with it. I wasn't looking for it to be historically accurate. There also seemed to be traits that you could increase. Needless to say, I was ready to be invested.
And then I was enlisted in the Confederate Army and sent to Arkansas. And the story started to fall apart from there.
I think I sort of lost track of what was happening, ending up killing a bunch of people, and it all was pretty linear. I kept blacking out a bunch and waking up near my town or in a kidnapping situation. (Sorry, mom.)
There are two endings, all decided on who you end up killing. At the end, I mean. Everyone else didn't really matter. Neither did that charm stat, apparently.
The spelling and formatting seemed to get worse too, with big text chunks that were sometimes separated and sometimes not.
Ultimately rating this a 3, but I liked your premise and the first few pages were engaging. If it was a little bit more readable/coherent in the end, I'd rate it higher. Still, this is pretty good for your second story game! I hope to see more from you.
view more...
—
snailsforsale
on 2/14/2020 9:56:33 AM with a score of 0
Close Window