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Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
Alright, for those of you not in the discord and not familiar with the characters I work with. My company's sole HR lady is a real piece of work. She's 67, ultra conservative, from Ohio, racist, and just a giganctic cunt in general. We literally call her garbage cunt in the discord, or GC for short. She's just in general a pretty terrible person and probably the worst possible HR rep you could ever have. Ok now that the introductions have been made, here's the lovely little gem I encountered this morning. GC was looking extra proud of herself when she overheard a political discussion between myself and a couple other coworkers. We were discussing the various democratic candidates and our thoughts on them, she decided this was her in to show her superior knowledge about the Coronavirus pandemic. She proudly shows us a picture of a lysol can which states 'human coronavirus' on it and proceeds to explain to us that this proves it isn't really a new virus like the liberal media would have us all believe. She then takes a running leap into a conspiracy theory that I still am not 100% sure how the concept of the virus not being new plays into. She believes that Bernie Sanders is working with China to orchestrate this pandemic to spread the virus to the US to unseat Trump and eventually turn the USA into China 2.0. Before anyone asks, I did try to explain to her how viruses mutate and China has some pretty gross market conditions with meat that caused the outbreak in the first place. That it's a new strain of the virus, not a completely new virus in and of itself. That a vaccine is already in the works and slated to be ready for the public in 16-18 months(Last I checked at least, that ETA may be different now). She was not having it. Bernie Sanders is behind the Coronavirus and that's that in her world. I was baffled, ya'll. Plumb flabberghasted. I couldn't let it rest so I did some digging and later asked her in private to elaborate on this grand theory. I didn't think it could get better, but it did... It did. Apparently, Bernie Sanders has used some of his campaign funding to pay off the Chinese government to somehow "genetically manipulate" the virus into the "super" virus it is now. That the mishandling of the pandemic is on purpose to spread the virus to the US. She then went on to explain that the liberal media is in on this conspiracy as well, covering for Bernie by calling it a "new" virus and launching a new smear campaign against Trump. She is convinced that if/when Bernie wins the election, he will then have his followers infiltrate the postal service and contaminate packages with the virus to spread it across the US. Everyone will be too sick/dying to stop him from fully communizing the US. We'll be China 2.0 within 4 years. I'm still pretty shook, ya'll. And I just had to share. I did promise I'd start sharing this stuff in the forums more often after all. It's like I'm a magnet for idiots. Anyway, enjoy this latest conspiracy theory and feel free to share any other fascinating Bernie Sanders conpsiracies or Coronavirus theories you've come across. Or just comment on the hilarity of GC's theory. Either way, I hope this made you all feel just a little bit smarter for knowing you at least aren't as dumb as GC is.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
But I thought the virus was Trump's fault?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
That's what the liberal media wants us to think, Ogre. Get woke already! :P

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Skipping past the gossip and conspiracy bits, the theory that coronovirus started in the wet market is a lot weaker now given the 14 day incubation period and some other factors. It's more likely the wet market was a stop along the way vs. the original outbreak ground zero, which still isn't conclusively known.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
That's so insidious. By unleashing it on their own people first instead of just sending it directly to the US a couple of infected tourists, they've....accomplished something, presumably. Something dastardly and intentional. Inscrutable, even. I can't believe Bernie was so evil all along. Hell I HAVE to vote for him, now.

Thanks for making this thread, Sabley. Please keep us informed of the facts as they are revealed to you.

If you want to make this the GC thread, go right ahead. I know you have plenty of material.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
I'm probably going to do a Sabley's Workplace Shenanigans thread as some point. I just need to compile all my work place stories into a single document before I unleash them on the forums. We'll call this the teaser thread lol.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
I wonder what Bernie's got against Italy...

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
All right Bernie, top this one.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
lol

Didn't get past the headline, but lol

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

That is pretty funny. I laughed when I read the title as well.

On another note, if this thing survived in space and on a meteor passing through Earth's atmosphere, then we might really be screwed. Everyone knows that Alien viruses can't be cured. The thing would also have to have insane resistances to things like heat, cold, and changes in atmospheric conditions (or lack of atmospheric conditions). Basically, if this is true then nothing can kill the virus, and it can live outside of a host forever. 

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
Not having seen any stories of little monsters bursting out of stomachs, I'm not sure how much trust we can apply to this story...

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Stomach monsters do have a 9 month incubation period... how long has it been?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

It's the worst kind of alien invasion. When they attacked back in 1938, we killed them all with our germs! But now, the aliens are the germs. Can germs even get sick!?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

You'd need germ-germs for that.  I guess that's kinda what cleaning products do to them, come to think of it.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Yes, they're full of germ-germs. I should've known! I should get around to growing some more clorox in a petri dish. It'll be cheaper than buying them from Big Bleach, and I'm going to need large stockpiles once the virus hits.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

But this raises another interesting question.  If there are germ-germs, what if we too, are germs that someone is trying to get rid of.  Maybe the coronavirus is just a new cleaning product to them.

A crappy, inefficient one.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
I've heard this plot before. The Earth is thr organism, people are parasites, disease is Earths immune system or something. I just can't remember where this train of thought is from.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
LSD?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
If you replace Earth with Planet and disease with boils of mind-boring xenofungus, you've got Alpha Centauri.

But I'm sure I've heard the general idea before too, probably in more than one place.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

This reminds me of a completely original idea I had where our lives are just computer simulations. The main character would wake up and realize that the machines already controlled the entire world, and that they were using humans as batteries while keeping them in blissful ignorance within this program. Nothing like that has ever been written though, so I'm surprised it sounded familiar to people.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

The xenofugus was where the mind worms lived. It was the mind worms that formed "boils" then roamed about burrowing into people's brains. Though the fungus could also grow spore launchers.

I remember a few faggots bitching that the encounters with them was too frequent. "Goddamnit I can't get anywhere in this game, move my troops 1 space and great, another group of brain worms spawns to attack, this game sucks."

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

I personally believed a bat might've collected some sort of chemical from dirt and converted it to a virus. I'm not the best scientist, certainly not the worst.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
Are you sure?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Now that I said it, I sound like a fool. But, you should ask my friend. He said that a mad scientist wanted a zombie apocalypse and accidentally created COVID-19. I needed to facepalm so hard.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

This! This is how it happened. When this scientist recovers from his disease, there will also be zombies.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Oh, really?! Jesus Christ, I don't want that to happen...Shouldn't that scientist be fired?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Not until he delivers the zombies that he promised us! I mean, yeah... he was fired. That scientist will not be creating zombies, publicly. 

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

So, my wacky but loveable friend was right? (I told my family this and they shook their heads and said that he was crazy.)

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

No, just laugh and forget you ever heard anything... haha...

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Our boy just discovered an obvious Illuminati Hideout. It can't be a coincidence!

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

Didn't Tom Hanks and the rest of his family get COVID-19?

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago

That is the premise of joke I just made, yes.

Coronavirus Conspiracy

4 years ago
I have it on good authority that CV was caused by the gay frogs.

(No, not the French, I meant it literally.)