2019 After the Fall of New York (1983)
Well as if it needs to be said, this is a blatant Escape from New York rip off from Italy because the Italians were all about copying more famous post apocalyptic movies back in the 80s. They made a shitload of them of varying quality.
This is probably the best of the lot.
And the main reason is because they didn’t just rip off Escape from New York, they ripped off just about every other successful PA movie that had already come out by this time, mashed all the concepts together and somehow still created something different from the movies it was imitating.
Okay so basically there was a nuclear war between the Eurac Monarchy (which contains Europe, Asia and Africa) and the Pan American Confederacy and the world is all fucked up with radiation to the point where it made most of humanity sterile.
Despite all that, the Euracs are still bound and determined to rule what’s left of the wasteland so they’re still sending armies to invade the shores of ruined America, starting with New York (Specifically Manhattan) where they’re going around rounding up people for genetic experiments and executing everyone else.
The movie jumps around to vastly different locations which is sort of a change from some PA movies where its mostly in a desert or bombed out city, etc.
The first jump is to the west coast where the protagonist (Dimestore Snake Plisskin) is doing a Mad Max contest with another car in the desert. He wins a prize which is a few post apocalyptic coins and a tranny sex slave.
No really.
Okay, granted he supposedly won a female sex slave, but the voice and look…yeah it’s a dude.
Anyway so DS Snake takes his trophy tranny who is eagerly going on about wanting to get fucked by him as they’re riding through the desert. He briefly talks about disliking cyborgs as they’re passing by some scraps of some and then an airship with guys in silver suits starts contacting him through a radio saying they want to see him, he tells them to fuck off because he’s got a tranny to sodomize.
A little ways up they come across a caravan surrounded by the dead and dying spitting up green shit. (Horse is still okay though) DS Snake shoots them and says they would have been dead in a few hours anyway.
Since this is the 80s and the heroes still get down with the ladies, DS Snake does NOT fuck the tranny, what he does instead is give the coins to trophy tranny and releases the tranny into the wild.
The tranny thanks him for being set free and rides away on a horse.
After that, DS Snake get hit with ray gun by those silver suit guys which knocks him out and they fly him to a secret base in Alaska!
In Alaska he meets the President of the Confederacy who have built a space ship to leave this radioactive shithole, and head to Alpha Centauri (No really! Long before Civ came out!) The problem of course is there won’t be much of a future on a new planet without fertile people, luckily they got the inside track on where to find a fertile woman (And harvest her precious eggs of course).
And the place would be New York of course.
They want DS Snake to go find her since he’s an ex-soldier for them and obviously he’s the ONLY one skilled enough to do it. He asks why they can’t just get cyborgs to do it, but the Pres says they had them all destroyed and some other arguing goes on before DS reluctantly agrees. Plus they’ll kill him if he refuses.
If he succeeds though, he’ll get a seat on the ship to Alpha Centauri.
I should mention here that the movie doesn’t really say what exactly happened with the cyborgs other than the vague hint that the Americans were using them in their war against the Eurac and then I guess their wiring went horribly wrong to the point where they had to destroy them all.
DS Snake get a couple of followers provided by the government. Some dude with a metal claw for a hand that knows manhattan like the back of his…well claw and some other older guy with an eye patch who is supposed to be the strongest and most bad ass fighter in the Confederacy.
So now the movie jumps to the outskirts of bombed out New York because if they could just fly an airship in and drop them off that way, it would be too easy.
The next bit is just them walking through some sewers, getting into fights with the local gangs, hiding from Eurac guys on horses with laser crossbows. Eventually they stumble on some group lead by the Rat King Eater who is some crazy AZN dude whipping his people do his bidding which is basically going around with pointy sticks killing rats to eat.
They also just attack anyone else they see too and they see a little midget dude and decide he needs to die. DS Snake decides to play the hero and him and his crew go in to rescue the dwarf.
They succeed in that he gets away, they fail in that now they all get captured.
So while they’re tied up and waiting to get killed (and probably eaten) the Rat King is counting up the dead rats and tells one guy he’s the winner and he can choose his prize.
So naturally he picks the cleanest and best looking female in the miserable group to fuck, though she’s obviously not thrilled with that idea.
The old One Eyed guy manages to break his solid steel chains further cementing that he is indeed the strongest man in the Confederation, but before anything else happens a bunch of Eurac knights come in and just waste the Rat King Eater and all of his people with lasers, bullets and flame throwers.
Since the Eurac’s are always looking for suitable specimens for experimentation, they take DS Snake, Mr. Claw (One Eye got the fuck out of there) and some of the rat people, including the nearly raped girl.
Back at the Eurac base, their leader tries to have a nice discussion with Mr. Claw about how they’re trying to get humanity back on track with their experiments so it doesn’t die out, but since Mr. Claw lost his whole family when the Eurac’s dropped bombs on New York years ago, he doesn’t give a shit and promptly pulls a move worthy of Mayana and gouges out the Eurac leader’s eyes since this fucktard didn’t even have enough sense to fucking tie him up before questioning him like a bunch of rat eating savages did.
They take away Mr. Claw and the Eurac leader says not to kill him because he wants to question him further. Might as well I guess, not like he can gouge out his eyes again.
Meanwhile DS Snake is strapped to some table where the female Eurac second in command dressed in a black form fitting leather outfit is questioning him. She’s Dimestore Baroness minus the accent though she really should have it given her euro origins, then again this was before GI Joe cartoon.
She takes the opportunity to grope and kiss him and say she can save him from the death penalty if he tells her what she wants to know. He plays for time and tells the half truth of why they’re there, but claims the blonde chick that nearly got raped earlier is the fertile woman, so Baroness takes him to the cell holding all the rat people so he can point her out since she hasn’t even looked at any of them yet.
Now knowing more of the layout of the base, DS Snake rescues Mr. Claw from a scifi torture rack (because once again the Euracs were dumb enough have him wait there unshackled. He also manages to save Blondie from guards marching her off to somewhere.
Meanwhile the Baroness has learned that Blondie is as sterile as every one else from the the tests they did on her so she sounds a general alert because the Eurac leader who got his eyes gouged out is too busy getting them replaced with new ones.
In the ensuing escape, Mr. Claw sort of makes a pointless sacrifice to give the others time to escape (They were already outrunning them, so it wasn’t really necessary) He gets killed by the Baroness and eventually DS Snake and Blondie get surrounded by guards outside the base anyway.
Fortunately One Eye arrives with the midget DS Snake rescued earlier (AKA Shorty, no really that’s his name in the movie) and they all manage to escape through the sewers and to small community of Shorty’s people (More midgets)
I’ll take this moment to mention that DS Snake’s action thus far in the movie are what really qualifies him as Dimestore not just because he’s a knock off. He repeatedly makes a poor showing in general since a lot of times he just wades into battle against superior numbers without thinking and gets either captured or outmaneuvered resulting injury. It’s only because he’s got some followers and the Euracs seem to be constantly holding the idiot ball that he’s remotely successful.
Though I suppose an action hero that isn’t a one man army is sort of more believable in this wacky post apocalyptic world.
Anyway, continuing with Eurac idiocy. Baroness goes to speak to Eurac leader and mentions her big fail. While they’re both convinced that DS Snake and company are working for the Confederacy, the Eurac leader isn’t convinced that the fertility test was correct, he is still convinced that Blondie MUST be the fertile woman, otherwise they wouldn’t have escaped with her. He gives the Baroness orders to hunt them down and bring Blondie back alive before he gets his eyesight back or else he’ll have her killed. (Great logic there, Eyeless Leader)
DS Snake and crew are hanging out in munchkinland which is under the ruins of the UN building so it’s at least useful for once. Blondie and DS Snake start talking and she’s hopeful for his mission to succeed, though he’s broody cynical action hero about it saying it probably would be better if the human race went extinct since it isn’t worth saving. Shorty tells DS Snake he knows where to look for the fertile woman, but in exchange he wants to leave New York with them.
Just as DS Snake agrees, the Euracs use a sonic weapon to flush them out of the sewers. This causes everyone to clutch their ears in great pain, save for One Eye who seems unaffected at first and then suddenly slams his hands on his ears. The DS crew manages to shove shit in their ears, One Eye carries Shorty with them and they run out of munchkinland as all the other midgets die. F.
After a few more scenes of them dodging Eurac horse patrols and the Baroness ordering guards at every way they can possibly leave the city, Ds Snake and company are ambushed by some ape looking guy after a net falls on them. This doesn’t last long because then a Eurac patrol shoots him and plans to retake them back as prisoner. Another fight breaks out and the ONLY one that’s doing a good job of fighting them is One Eye who literally rips one guy’s arm off.
Meanwhile DS Snake is more or less getting his ass kicked as usual until an even bigger ape looking guy comes in and kills the Eurac captain, splitting his belly open to reveal the red gooeyness inside. Now that the Euracs are dead, all they have to deal with now are these ape people and their leader Big Ape. (Again, no really that’s the leader of the ape people’s name)
They threaten Shorty, but One Eye sticks up for him saying that he’s with them. Big Ape wants to know why the Euracs are looking for them and DS Snake explains his mission. Big Ape hears about a fertile woman and then proudly proclaims that HE can make babies since he’s uncontaminated, but it’s all the women that are sterile. Fertile or not, given that he’s part ape, he’s hardly uncontaminated.
Then he asks if Blondie is the fertile woman and begins to try to implement an “aggressive breeding” strategy, but DS Snake stops him saying it isn’t her so Big Ape’s interest in her is gone. However that doesn’t stop one of his buddies from trying to take Blondie for his own.
DS Snake nobly stops this of course by claiming she’s his woman and kicks the shit out of him. Apparently when pussy’s on the line DS Snake fights pretty well.
After successfully kicking the shit out of a damn dirty ape, he fucks blondie who is just glad to be giving it up to a non-mutant at this point.
Next scene is Big Ape going apeshit because he just questioned one of the few surviving Eurac guys (Don’t know who that was since it looked like they killed them all) and they said Blondie was the fertile woman and he thinks DS Snake lied. Shorty calms him down though saying the Euracs are a bunch of fucktards because he knows where the real last fertile woman is and he’ll take them all to her. While DS Snake’s crew wants to get to her, nobody wants this more than Big Ape because his primal urge to procreate is VERY strong.
Shorty leads them back to Munchkinland where they all have a sad moment because of all the dead midgets now being eaten by rats. (Save for BiG Ape who just wants to get on with getting to the fertile girl.) One Eye asks where hell Shorty is taking them and he mentions the girl wasn’t hidden that far away from Munchkinland. (And the Euracs passed right by it. Lol)
They get to a steel door where Shorty starts shouting to a professor to let him in, nobody answers though. One Eye tries to open the door but he can’t do it, Big Ape then just pulls out some dynamite and blows the door up. NOTHING is going to stop the biological imperative!
Then they come across another steel door, but this time One Eye decides to have dick measuring contest with Big Ape and opens it himself.
At last they get inside to the underground lab and of course the old professor is dead in a chair. Shorty’s pretty upset about it, but they all soon turn their attention to what they’ve been looking for, the fertile woman!
This woman of course is the professor’s young daughter and she’s in a stasis chamber. (Just like Snow White, hell she was even near some dwarves the whole time) The professor put her in there just before the bombs hit so she could breed a new society, but since there wasn’t any safe place to take her, they just stayed underground in the lab. The stasis chamber is also surrounded in this make shift clear plastic tarp “room.”
DS Snake then asks how they hell are they even going to get her out, where upon Shorty shows them this old station wagon that was kept in working condition (with gas!) and mentions they can get out using a passage way to the Lincoln Tunnel and then out of New York.
Big Ape meanwhile is staying creepily near Snow White. One Eye seems to be the only one concerned about this, especially given that Big ape has repeatedly mentioned wanting to make babies. DS Snake though seems to not give a shit and even distainfully dismisses One Eye in general.
Since the Euracs till have all exits guarded, it won’t be easy to just leave due to all the lasers, mines and cannons. So it’s suggested to get some more armor for the car to survive the assault. Shorty mentions they can find one steel and such in the junkyard, but its crawling with Euracs. They have to risk it though.
Big Ape says he’s going to stay behind to defend Snow White in case any Euracs wander by because of course he does. WHY the hell nobody thinks this is a bad idea is a mystery. Granted DS Snake doesn’t seem to give a shit, and One Eye already got dismissed for his concerns.
The only one who has misgivings about leaving Big Ape alone with her is Shorty, and he tells Blondie to stay behind to keep an eye on him. Yep, because a small woman is going to easily stop a big half mutant ape man.
Sure enough five minutes haven’t passed and Big Ape knocks out Blondie, drags her to the other side of the lab and opens up the stasis chamber to fuck Snow White (Or Sleeping Beauty if you prefer) going on about how he’ll be immortal with her carrying his seed.
I have somewhat of an issue with this part of the movie.
No, no, no, not the raping of a sleeping young girl bit. That would be quite out of character for me wouldn’t it now?
What I have an issue with is, why the hell didn’t she wake up? Big Ape had to open up the chamber which was keeping her in a coma like state. Surely she would have started to come to only to see a big hairy dude on top of her as her first sight.
Also, the way the chamber opens, it isn’t a side latch where it opens completely. It opens from top down and doesn’t even look like it goes down all the way.
The logistics of all this make it seem like a more difficult endeavor than just a simple quickie. It isn’t like Big Ape can just get in their easily because remember he’s BIG Ape. Assuming he COULD awkwardly get in there (Which would hilariously mean he’d have to climb/hoover/squeeze himself over the top half of her body while naked first) as I said the lower half of the chamber doesn’t look like it opens all the way meaning the tight fit (No not the young girl, the chamber) wouldn’t give ape all that much thrusting room or able spread her legs easily. Though I suppose if he’s gotten that far, he’d probably manage, it isn’t like his comfort/pleasure is as much of a priority as impregnating her.
Now of course maybe he just took her out of the chamber (easy enough for him to do based on his strength and size) and fucked her, but of course in that case it REALLY seems like she would have woken up wondering how she got in the position of being bent over the chamber with some half animal man grunting inside her.
Despite the issues with that second possibility, I’ll have to go with taking her out and bending her over the chamber because as I said the logistics getting in the chamber with her would just be too silly.
As for her not waking up during all this, going to just chalk that up to she didn’t get kissed by a prince.
While Big Ape is securing the survival of his species, the DS Crew is in the junkyard hiding from the Euracs. Shorty creates a distraction while they somehow manage to carry away huge sheets of thick steel. He ends up getting quickly captured, but hilariously An Heros by impaling himself on some sharp part of a rusty car while calling them stupid bastards.
Now HOW the hell the other two dragged/carried the huge sheets of thick metal all the way out of the junkyard, down manholes and underground tunnels even with Shorty shortly distracting the Eurac patrol is another mystery. Granted One Eye is pretty strong, and DS Snake might have been able to grab the smaller bits, but that’s even more impossible than the Big Ape rape scenario.
But hey fuck it, you’re not supposed to really be paying attention to things like that anyway in a movie like this.
So the next scene after Shorty’s death is DS Snake and One Eye back at the car with all the metal. DS Snake sees Blondie wandering in rubbing her head since apparently she just came to. Big Ape then appears from the plastic tarped area containing Snow White since he just finished coming as well.
DS Snake obviously knows SOMETHING happened and is giving them both meaningful looks, Blondie just looks half confused and Big Ape is looking like “What?”
DS Snake asks if everything is okay and Blondie says it is, covering for Big Ape who even looks a bit surprised. She was probably once again just glad she didn’t get raped by a mutant since that was a big potential problem earlier in the movie for her.
Soon they strap the metal on the car, load up the princess in the back and they’re on their way. At one point Big Ape nearly gets left behind, but DS Snake goes back for him. One Eye exclaims why the hell did he do that for, but DS Snake simply says they need all the friends they can get. (Especially the big rapey mutant ones)
The next bit is a cool gauntlet scene of them driving through barricades, mined areas and the Euracs shooting at them with lasers. At one point DS snake even partially drives up the side of a wall to avoid the majority of the mines. Big Ape is in the back of the station wagon with Snow White basically using his body to protect the chamber from any stray bullets/laser. They manage to get out just in time for one big laser in the ceiling of the tunnel to blast Big Ape to just bones. Though the chamber and Snow White are safe so another “heroic” sacrifice I guess.
Meanwhile it cuts to the Baroness and the Eurac leader who has just gotten his new eyes and is getting off the operation table. He tells the Baroness that she knows the price for failure even though she says they have more patrols outside the city pursuing DS Snake.
He says something about how she promised to have succeeded before he saw the light of another day. She answers with a laser to his chest (and to the nearby nurse’s) and says now she’s got all the time she needs.
Gotta love how the Eurac leader was just a loser all the way around in this movie. Gets his eyes taken out by a third string sidekick, spends most of the movie out of commission then gets wasted by his second in command right after his eye surgery.
Cut to the scene of DS Snake driving through the wasteland and One Eye in contact with the Confederacy and then showing some airships blowing up Eurac headquarters in New York. He mentions they got about three hours before the Euracs can regroup.
Blondie and DS Snake talk a little bit about their now long departed comrade Big Ape. Blondie mentions she understands why DS Snake kept Big Ape around since he knew BA would protect Snow White with his life, and they both knew Big Ape fucked her. There’s also some discussion about how Big Ape was “in love at first sight” with her. DS Snake even says he hopes that Big Ape’s boasts of his own fertility were true.
Fucking hell, the SJWs would be losing their shit with all the rape “apologist” stuff going on in the movie. Lol.
As for DS Snake hoping Big Ape was as fertile as he claimed? Well one can chalk that up to DS Snake not really giving that much of a shit about this government mission that he didn’t even want to do in the first place and their master plan literally getting fucked probably amused him on some level. (I know it would amuse me)
One Eye says the pick up point should be coming up soon and mentions the mission is almost accomplished. DS Snake then stops the car.
And here’s the big twist for a movie like this!
DS Snake had always been a bit hostile towards One Eye all throughout the movie despite him being a huge help. Well the reason is, One Eye is a CYBORG (and DS Snake hates cyborgs, they probably killed his dog or something)
He mentions he caught on to this during the sonic weapon attack when it didn’t seem to affect him. There’s a few other hints too, like his freakish strength for someone looking like an older human, or you never see him eating along with others whenever they were with Shorty’s group or Big Ape’s people. One Eye now attacks DS Snake since presumably he was the Confederacy’s big “fuck you” to DS Snake and to kill him after the mission was successful.
One Eye and DS Snake fight, Blondie gets stabbed in the stomach when she tries to help. DS Snake gets his ass kicked for most of the fight until he lands that precision strike against One Eye’s head with a brick, destroying his cheap Radio Shack circuitry. (and revealing his robotic eye under his eyepatch. Guess I could have been calling him Cyborg or Borgman in this review, but that would have been a spoiler now wouldn’t it?
Anyway Snake goes over to Blondie who is dying and out of all the bad acting and cheap effects, THIS is probably the cheesest part of the movie.
Blondie compares herself to Big Ape saying how she fell in love with DS Snake at first sight and then goes into some babble about One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind and how that one giant leap is love and how the human race MUST continue.
DS Snake, ever the cynical protagonist isn’t convinced and still thinks humanity should die out, but she’s dying so he kisses her one last time to make her feel like love conquers all. Besides, he doesn’t have anything better to do so he might as well complete the mission.
Cut back to Confederacy base in Alaska where DS Snake tells the President if he’s going to kill him he can do it just as well in person rather than having a cyborg doing it. The president then mentions he needed someone on the mission he could trust and that DS Snake was never intended to get on the ship to Alpha Centauri anyway.
However the president is dying and got three months at best, so he’s not going to survive the trip and gives his seat to DS Snake as the reward he initially promised since why the hell not.
The ship blasts off and some Confederacy scientist tells DS Snake that since Snow White doesn’t know shit about everything that happened in the last 20 years or so and what’s expected of her, they feel he’ll be the best one to explain all that when she wakes up.
Last scene is DS Snake standing over her bed and her eyes opening.
“Yeah so earth got blown to shit but don’t worry, your dad kept you in a coma for 20 years and now you’re on a space ship to a whole new planet. They’re going to be harvesting your eggs to rejuvenate the human race so be prepared for that….let’s see what else…oh I know you were only a little girl for a short time before you got placed in a coma, but did you ever see that movie Planet of the Apes?”
Fin.
