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When I was but a young(er) child, I stumbled upon a little thing called Dungeons and Dragons.  Now, I was raised in a Christian home, so when I brought the subject up to my parents, I was immidiatly informed that DnD was of the devil, and that I should avoid it at all costs.  I wasn't very happy with this, but like the good little christian child I was, I obeyed my parents, and left the game alone for quite some time.  But for years, the idea of playing a game where I could do pretty much whatever I wanted; like a video game, except more responsive and random, stuck in the back of my mind.  Then one day, I realized I didn't need DnD to create that experience.  So I made my own, with nothing but google docs and a handful of six-sided dice I cannibalized from other board games.  Over a period of a few years, I refined it by playing with friends, until I eventually came up with the still somewhat messy version I have today. 

I've run quite a few games now, and some pretty wierd stuff has happened.  There was this one time when my players got caught up in an attack on a small village by a bunch of overly-muscular transdimensional cat-people.  I'd expected them get out of there as fast as they could, but instead they decided to stay and fight.  Much to my dismay, they snuck into a nearby 7-11 for supplies.  After rolling really well, they managed to find themselves a bunch of millitary grade catnip and beer, with a gigantic beerbottle used for display purposes to go with it.  They filled the big bottle with beer and sprinkled catnip around it, then took it into the center of town.  They rang a little bell and got the heck out of there, and after one more unexpectedly good roll, they'd managed to get every last cat person both drunk and high at the same time.  Just like that, my entire campaign was derailed.  

Seeing as most of you like writing and storytelling, I'd imagine a lot of you are pretty into DnD and other tabletop games.  I'd like to hear some of your weirdest stories from roleplaying games.  (Seriously, I've been stuck indoors for a week.  I could use the entertainment).

Unfortunately, never played it myself (don't think it's such a big thing here in the U.K.) Still, I figured I'd share this little gem I found awhile ago. Pretty much every DnD fan has probably heard of it, but for those who haven't, I give you the infamous tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo! ^_^

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game," and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.

ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?

ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.

ERIC: How far away is it?

ED: About 50 yards.

ERIC: How big is it?

ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.

ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.

ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.

ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?

ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?

ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?

ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!

ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!

ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!

ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.

ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

I had a freind who ran a game have a simular situation. Except the player had rolled up a bard instead of a Paladin.

GM: You see a Gazeebo in an open park area.

Bard: Is it in an agressive stance?

GM: No, it's a Gazeebo.

Bard: (Rolls dice) I seduce it!

GM: ...roll for splinters?

There are entire reddits dedicated to this topic. I've read some pretty cringy ones, mostly dealing with the DM or other players themselves being unwashed autistic incel creeps. I'll try to go dig up some of this gold for you guys later.

Finding a good group is so important to have a good time with tabletop games, and that's easier said than done. I've only been a part of a couple aborted attempts at homebrew games in highschool where no one would ever get serious enough to play unfortunately, and ever since then everyone around me has sucked too much.

The biggest problems with players I've had have only been distractability, thankfully.  I eventually went and talked to the main instagators, and it's pretty much better now.  The worst that happens now is disengagement, which, though still unfun, is better than people raging or powergaming.  I've never minded derailment so much, as I actually find it makes the game more interesting.  The group from the story I described above was actually the best I'd ever played with; they were responsive, engaged, and genuinly funny.  

I've still seen my share of people trying to seduce things though.

Can't talk about this subject without bringing up the clasics!

How on earth have I not seen this before?  This is great!

I have two okay stories:

My friends and I were playing a game like this over Facebook once. It was a hunger games style adventure where we were all captured, put into groups, and put on a remote island for a "test". Strange things happened and we could chat with our teams in a Facebook group and them message the DM with what we all wanted to do. Long story short, I found an abandoned lab on the island with a computer.

Me: I turn on the computer.

DM: It asks for a password.

Me: Is there anything near the computer, like a notepad?

DM: No.

Me: Is there anything on the screen, other than the prompt for the password?

DM: No, just a place to type the password.

Me: I type random characters on the computer to see if I can determine how long the password is.

DM: You can type anything. There is no indication of how long the password is or what it is.

Me: I type "1 enter."

DM: Incorrect.

Me: I type "11 enter."

DM: Incorrect...

Me: I type "111 enter."

DM: There are unlimited combinations... Incorrect.

Me: I type "2 enter."

DM: Okay, The screen updates with an error message, "Too many guess, sending killer security drones"

Team: Damn you, Shadowdrake!

End.

This second one was a DND one shot at a friend's birthday party. Not much crazy stuff happened while we were playing, but my character got some laughs. We all started at Lvl 6 for the quest.

Me: I am a Gnome Bard.

DM: Oh, I didn't expect that. Tell us about your bio.

Me: My name is Bruno Mars. I have spent several years in an alternate universe as a singer known internationally.

I also took a spell that let me send messages to anyone I know in any dimension, time, or universe once per day. I had several written messages that I sent directly to my friends at the table. Mind you, not their characters, them. It was allowed since they all knew who Bruno Mars is.