Dear 12-13 year old self.
You fucking killed it you cocky ass. Keep that shit up.
Dear 5 year old me,
Don't fall for that stupid joke that kid tells you because you say a bad word.
That'll stick to you forever if you do....
And I'm hoping you don't know what this means. JUST DON'T.
Your future self
Dear 15 year old Me:
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Use fire to be on the safe side.
That voice you keep hearing speaks the truth: the more bullets you shoot the more people you will hit.
Cars can and will explode if you use enough explosives.
Most Important of All: Make it clear you're talking about playing Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon on PS2 or people will become concerned by the above statements :D
Wave hello to the NSA
I was born in England and currently live in China so if I managed to attract the attention of the NSA I'll be impressed.
They see everyth-
Illuminati confirmed and reported? Repor-
Dear 7 year old me,
Don't feed the animals.
Dear baby-one second ago me,
You were a fucking idiot.
Dear past self,
Sincerely, future self.
FUCKING EGDY AS FUCK MAN. LOOK AT THIS GUY HE'S SO EDGYYYYYYYYY.
Eh, I just hated my past self. I also hate my future self. My present self if meh :P
fuck yourself (over) less often.
Hey kid, (it's me - from the future)
I thought I might give you a leg up, so ... you know that thing you're going to do earn your fortune? Well, don't do it! There's no money in it. Do that other thing that you can't really afford to do because it ends up creating several millionaires.
Hope to see you soon,
Stop trying so hard, it doesn't get you anywhere. Just be content at being average and living an average life and then an average death. Also don't listen to anything your future self says, he's a cunt.
Your future self.
Dear Past Me,
See? I'm still alive. Yes, I know it's not okay. I know there's nothing anyone can say that will make it okay. But I promise you, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how alone you feel, you will make it through this. You can beat this, just keep pushing forward. If you don't know what I'm talking about yet, you'll find out, but you're going to think you know what I mean at 13, and at 15, and at 16, and 18, and 20... and you're only ever going to be partially right. It'll be a long ride, so just keep holding on.
I've enclosed a list of people who you really shouldn't trust because they'll hurt you or the people you love, and people you should remember to thank more often because, even if they're assholes at times, they love you. You have insomnia, by the way. It's hardly the worst thing you have, but it's the first thing you'll have noticeable trouble with. (I'll include a list of diagnoses for your other issues with definitions and advice.) Don't bother taking anything, you're basically immune to alcohol, narcotics, regular sleep aids, and anything else people claim will help. But it's cool, it'll make you more creative sometimes. Start eating healthy now, by the way. Yes, I know no one else in your family is, but if you start now, it sucks less later.
Don't get on that rope thing at that paint-ball place when you're 12. It doesn't make you a pussy to wimp out, and if you do it, you get stuck and you end up accidentally flashing everyone. Same thing goes double for that water ride that's a surfing simulator when you're 15, but your suit gets caught, and all the most attractive life-guards will most definitely be watching--but if you forget and it happens anyway, well, don't take your screw-ups so seriously. Just chalk it up to a learning experience and remember that everyone has those days. You'll look back and laugh eventually.
You'll never be good at playing instruments like your older brother, so don't ask mom to waste the money getting you one. Actually, you'll never be good at a lot of things you try when you want to look cool or be acknowledged by others, but that's okay. You don't have to try so hard to measure up to other peoples' standards. Also, it's okay to tell off the people you love when they're wrong or just being dicks. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. -You- matter.
And, on that note ... try to learn to like yourself sooner, would you? You waste too much time beating yourself up over things you can't change or things that don't matter. You'll meet people in the world who just won't give you a chance and that group of people is big enough without you. Just give those people a smile, the single finger salute, and let the two of you part ways and keep moving forward. It's never been worth the effort to do anything more.
The person you'll grow into some day.
P.S. Of course I threw in a list of inside info to help you become super rich when you get older. Now go buy your mom that world cruise you promised--and get yourself the job you actually wanted, dumbass. Not the one you had to because of your parents.
Dear self from 1 millisecond ago, you are now me, now you're not me, since I'm the me from 2 seconds in the future, but now you're the me from 4 seconds in the future, but now...Oh no. You're not here anymore. You don't exist anymore. God, I'm the me from another few seconds in the future now. Damn. Oh damn.
Dear 10 year old me,
So you know how you wanted to be normal? Not gonna happen. Sorry. You're insomnia will get worse upon the discovery of a site called "ChooseYourStory.com" because you'll be up late into the night reading storygames and stalking the forums in a couple of years. Be prepared for that, mate. But it won't be all bad. You'll finally be good at drawing and you'll finally be able to somewhat reduce the strength of your accent. I can't say for sure how successful you'll be in your quest to be an author, but the future seems bright.
You from the future.
7-13 year old me:
Remember to take advantage of being with your friends while you still can. Eventually, many of the friends you knew will move out or move on, barely able to remember the times you spent as kids. Yes, you will indeed always remember, but know that it is not the end of the world. You meet plenty of others who fill the role quite nicely, and in a genuine way.
14-15 year old me:
Remember to smile. You may think that everyone else in the room is a thousand times smarter than you-that doesn't change. But remember that you will be able to overcome everything if you push yourself to the limit. By utilizing your resources and time more efficiently, you will certainly be okay.
But also remember that it is okay to love, to want to be loved by more than just family and friends. Straighten out your feelings for Her. You will know who I am talking about soon enough, so go do it before she leaves!
16 year old me:
You should know that a scary demon is fast approaching you. She is deadly, will bite you eight times, and infect you with the power of her kindness. Remember to not be embarrassed or ashamed of your weakness when she makes you smile. She is beautiful, and so are you!
Dear 14 year old self.
Stop necroing threads, it's not funny or ironic anymore.
I live in Albuquerque too! :) Or I don't know if you still live here... but yay!
11 year old self: Don't forget to discover this website :)
Dear Young Me:
Learn Kung Fu. No, seriously.
I know, that ever since the 70s and 80s, those two words have become a stock phrase that's used intentionally to note that people either don't know what they're doing, or they use it ironically to add hilarity points to their sentences, but I fucking mean it. Take actual Kung Fu lessons. Yeah, I know Kung Fu is flashy and useless compared to some of the more practical shit you could be doing, especially since you're a string bean, but it will help you out in life in more ways than violence. I mean, if you happen to find a Kung Fu teacher in fucking Wisconsin who doesn't charge out the ass and isn't a phony.
You will never be able to beat the shit out of someone, but by god, you'll know how to move like you know what you're doing. And you will know what you're doing, but there's a marked difference between knowing how to beat the shit out of someone and being able to deliver. You will not deliver, but you will be able to show off your shit at the Middle School Talent Show like a pro. You know what they say, "Martial Arts today, Breakdancing tomorrow". Actually, nobody fucking says that, because that's not the way it works. Brakedancing is a whole nother skill entirely, but a Kung Fu thing would be a helluva lot prettier to look at than that other kid's stiff-ass Karate demonstration.
In fact, you should learn the most decorative and flashy of martial arts possible! That way I'll know for a fact that you won't be getting into too much trouble and avoiding combat like you did in the current version of events, where I didn't wishfully write this letter to you.
You pride yourself on being flexible, and, since you're just about finished with elementary school, you like rolling around on the ground with other kids. I'll be honest, kid, that's not going to be considered a manly trait by any means, but, if you want to continue pursuing that, maybe you should look into Ditangquan. You could do Monkey Style instead, though, which looks much less painful to practice and it looks more intimidating.
And I know this doesn't exactly matter to you right now, and it won't matter to you for several years, not even after your voice drops ten octaves and you're 3 feet taller, but eventually it will. Eventually, you're not going to be able to function very well, and they'll make you put testosterone patches on your teeth, like the one I'm wearing now, and you'll start feeling stirrings that you absolutely hate. Like it or not, they're probably not ever going to go away. And so, for the sake of future you, you might want to look into Zui Quan, because it's a well known fact that Drunken Boxers have the best abs in the world, and abs are the best (and most lady-approved) muscles in the world, and that includes vaginal muscles, without which, none of us would exist. They overrule existence.
No, seriously. The media may feed you images of Swarznegger and shit, but muscular attractiveness isn't about being shaped like a giant uterus. The abs are the one feature of the human body that nobody ever says is too ripped. Huge arms? They look ridiculous. A rippled back? It looks fucking gross. Nobody needs veins popping out of their calves, and nobody needs to carry around pork roasts on their chests and shoulders. If you focus on having great abs, everyone will think it looks awesome, and it will serve a practical use. It'll be super great, probably.
I'd give you some melodramatic advice, I'd criticize the shit out of you for being an obnoxious little prick, I'd tell you that your writing really needs improvement, (It gets better, don't worry.) I'd tell you to avoid a whole shitload of stuff that leads to horrific embarrassments that you'll beat yourself up about for centuries. But I won't, because literally everyone except you can actually read this thing, and it would drastically interrupt the process that causes you to actually become me, so I'll leave you with the most hilarious and potentially least life-impacting advice that I can.
I actually take Kung Fu lessons. For real. No joke.
Which one(s) are you learning?
Dude it's piss. No joke.
Dear Babby Me *7-14*,
BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH! Floss! All that! You may think that nothing bad will happen but WRONG SIR!
Braces aren't fun, sure they won't hurt since you keep relative good shape on em BUT you need to do more of that to avoid the procedure in the first place! I don't want you feeling like the top front gums broke while the expander was being used, thus making pizza take way longer to eat.
Dear Stupid Teenager Me *15-18*,
Life's not a spectator sport, get up damn you! Also seeing as you have braces, you didn't listen at all did you? Now you'll take the advice now won't you?
Don't be a dick toward your classmates in Mrs. Drumm's class, they literally can't help it, don't drink Monster, trust me you'll regret the taste and the crash, Procra-...actually keep that one up, you were always good at prioritizing...Either case, be studious in Kenpo, get used to exercising, be the man that you dream of being!
Also when it comes time, be ready to accept a certain shutdown...It hurts me too buddy and I will not say what it is. Also when it comes time for the PS3...Don't think that your choice is regrettable later, its worth every cent, just don't bother with Online as its deader than the Mammoths, save that for Call of Duty, also relax more kid...You're so high strung.
Sincerely, Future Me....
Oh and PS: Don't be too shy but don't come on too strong to both those 3 hot girls in gym, and the 3 hot girls in Theater Class...Sure you might not get a chance but hell, it can wait until you are more ready, maybe a license? It'll work out way better. Also there is better as they're just hot and you don't know them well at all...Just saying.
Don't eat so much sugar. It's not good for you. o_e Oh, and actually listen to Mom about your posture. Think you got scoliosis for no apparent reason?
Also, floss pls. Well, do it on a more frequent basis.
Best advice I can give you? Don't grow up.
Sincerely, your future self.
Dear 9-year-old me-
Congratulations on passing fourth grade. Now you're in fifth grade. You get to learn how people have sex. Keep it cool; everyone will act like a total dumbass about it. It's fun to make people uncomfortanle, too, so use that to your advantage.
In fifth grade you will make best friends and lose them. People you've known for years will turn out to be belligerent assholes. Stay strong, though, and don't let anyone manipulate you. You are who you are- be proud of that.
Stop being so stressed out. You don't need to start developing ulcers or something. Just get yourself organized and don't have a giant crying fit whenever you can't find a worksheet. You can do it, m8.
Dear 12-year-old me-
You said it yourself- stay out of the dating scene until high school. You know you only "liked" those girls because you thought they were interested in you. Seriously, they were some basic bitches. Just because you're in eighth grade doesn't mean you're Casanova all the sudden.
dear past self,
Don't date 4 girls at the same time, people will whisper behind your back when they see your black eye, split lip, and the red handprints on your cheeks.
Your stepmom is going to try to kill you, and that girl you like is a lesbian.
Dear me from six months ago,
She loves you, you fucking idiot. Do you really need to reinforce that fact? Are you seriously such an insecure twat that you when you become depressed or scared you have to bring up the idea of breaking up just to regain confidence when you see her fight for it or when you are angry or hurt you have to make her cry just to prove to yourself she really does care about you? You have to know she is going to be fed up with that shit eventually. She's a human being, not a concrete, set-in-stone tool that will always be there to comfort your bruised ego and enable your shitty behavior. SHE IS THERE. Why the fuck is that not enough? Because you assume she always will be? You're a bigger fucking idiot than should even be possible if that's the case. Get your shit together. You have time to salvage this shit. You have time to keep her in your life. I don't.
Dear me from 30 seconds ago,
Um, yeah, a bit real, don't you think? Jesus, dude. Tone it back a bit