Player Comments on Harvestmoon

For a first efforts the writing is reasonable though omg and other such abbreviations should never appear in a work of fiction. It felt less like me experiencing something than reading a script proposal for a new episode (and a bit of a mixed one). Among other things you need to maintain one perspective or leave a clear break (in novels character perspective will usually change with a new chapter or at the very least after a substantial block of text), not write in script form, for example
Chelsea: (embarrassed much) Wow, great to meet you.
Vaughn: Hello.
should become
"Wow it's great to meet you" said Chelsea, a pink tinge flushing across her cheeks.
"Hello" Vaugn said.
You don't need to tell us things like this person is embarrassed or there is a lot of space on the farm, it's better to imply with the description then we can make up our own minds and react more individually to the story than if we're just given the cold hard facts which is far less interesting to the reader than speculation (we'd rather be wondering things like does she like him? Does he like her? Is another outbreak of mad cow disease on the horizon etc). For a first effort it's a good start and asking for reader feedback is always a wise move but probably not at the end of the story. Personally I'd reformat what you've got already, throw in more descriptions and then you'll have a clearer idea of what way you want to take the story from there.
Anyhow thanks for posting and not automatically serialising your first storybook :)

The dialogue is a bit playlike, so you might want to figure out how to do the more formal way of dialogue. Great story, though.

It is okay for a new member.
2/8

The story was nice. Although a little predictable. The ending should be better and complete. 5/8.

That was alright in my opinion. It felt neither too slow nor too fast paced, which was a big thumbs up. You did a pretty good job with the setting, although I feel that wouldn't give you a certain 8/8.

The reason I did not rate a perfect score, was simply that I thought that the character development was, meh. I mean, some times I was like "oh, he called me Chels. Oh well." You need to have a better development between the characters to make me feel the connection. Also, the punctuation was pretty bad, not going to lie. But it was alright enough for me to be able to not automatically hate it, and you can easily fix the punctuation if you try.

And the fact that even though you knew you changed point of views, you didn't change it was kind of unsettling to me, that you didn't put time into changing that. But other than that, I could tell that you put a lot of effort into this storygame, and that's what I am really looking for here.

Keep writing!

It's a fanfic of the game Harvest Moon. There's not many choices, and you really shouldn't end the game by asking the reader how you should end the game. There's also no gameplay element to it- it's like reading a transcript of someone else playing the game.
The biggest problem most fanfics have is that they're incomprehensible for people who haven't played the game/read the book/seen the show they're based on.
If you want more people on the site to like your stories, try giving a little more detail about the world and the characters, and more choices that matter to the story.

Yeah, no. This is shit, and it keeps switching perspectives, which fucks up reading, there's no proper punctuation, and you use parenthesis to explain things! This is a load of shit, and you should burn in Hell.

Hi! This seemed like a very good story! I suggest adding more details! I really didn't understand some parts, but I like it a little bit! But still!

The only thing that was wrong about it was the punctuation. Work on that, please! I don't mean to be nagging.

I recommend you start adding more details or maybe a little pictures! Thanks for reading this comment and I hope you have the very best day.