Player Comments on Starr Squad pt. 1

When I saw "pt. 1" I already knew I wouldn't like it.

Far, far too short, and you need to brush up on how punctuation works for dialogue tags, but the concept isn't without potential. Add some more detail, a better introduction of the character and the facility, replace the obviously ridiculous or unrealistic choices with more sensible ones, and this wouldn't be bad at all.

Doing games in parts is usually frowned upon here, there's definitely no excuse when 'part 1' is a 1/8 in length, but there's nothing saying getting into school couldn't be expanded into a decent story in its own right.

I'd encourage you to unpublish this for now and keep practicing your writing until you're ready to expand it. There's absolutely no rush and you do have some interesting ideas, just take your time to write them down properly.

I didn't give this story enough credit, so here.

"You silently admire the spacious and technological entrance to your possible new career. You stare at the large imposing metal door as it says, "Identification required"
Good start, good start. And then...

"Identify yourself as a serial killer"
I have no idea why any sane, 'starr squad' member would do this. It'd be like replying to a TSA agent with, "I HAVE A BOMB!" Unless you were being sarcastic, of course, in which I guess the machine can't register that properly.

"Say your name, Benjamin Carter"
So since this is obviously not voice-activated since you can claim you're a serial killer and be destroyed for it, what happens when the next random Benjamin Carter walks by and identifies himself? Does he just get to walk around in a secret base or whatever?

"'Access Granted' the computer beeped. The door slid open. You walk inside and immediately notice the small grey-haired man sitting behind a desk. He doesn't speak, but simply gestures to a small door behind him. You walk through and see a large metal suit that looks like it popped straight out of Halo."
so basically you included the mjolnir armor because you couldn't come up with a cool design yourself?

"'I'm Carl Blakeley, and this is the suit worn on all of our missions'. You put on the suit, feeling almost like an astronaut. 'The suit's weapons are mainly voice controlled,' Carl tells you."
So what exactly happens when the enemy finds out that the suit is voice commanded? Again, it's not linked to your specific voice so any random enemy soldier could say, "SELF DESTRUCT!" and you just DIE. RIGHT THERE. DEAD FOREVER.

"A small gun barrel pops out of your wrist. 'I think your getting the hang of it!' Carl congratulated. You practice walking around in the suit for a while. A woman in a similar suit walks up and escorts you to the training room."
Well, since 'your' is possessive I'm guessing he's saying 'your getting the hang of it' like you have an object called 'getting the hang of it'. A book or something probably.

"Use a pickup line"
Unprofessional.

"The woman socks you in the face with a metal fist, smashing your nose and pretty much all the bones in your face."
Court marshal or lawsuit.

"Goof off"
Ok...

"You start goofing off and are totally unprepared for the laser turret that pops out of the floor. I don't think you expected to be Swiss cheese anytime soon....."
Does... does that mean the protagonist expected to be swiss cheese eventually? I don't expect to be dead 'anytime soon', but I do expect I'll be dead eventually. The way you phrased this implies he believes he'll turn into swiss cheese later in life.

I understand now. Our protagonist is trans-cheese. He's felt like he was swiss cheese his entire life, and in the future there'll be an operation that will achieve his dreams. Thus, he doesn't expect to be swiss cheese 'anytime soon', but does expect the procedure to be perfected in the near future.

This story is beautiful when you realize that.

... Why are there three 8/8 ratings on this? You're not meant to rate your own story. This is awful.