Player Comments on Birthday Mania

First of all, this is clearly some sort of birthday present and I’ll judge it as if it had been given to me. Well done for making me a book, how kind of you. I’d have preferred some models but I’ll let it slide this one time.
Jokes aside, let’s get to the review.

Synopsis:
Play as an unnamed protagonist who’s friends have planned them a surprise party which seems to go horribly wrong: make the right choices and get the best birthday ever, or fail in a range of retarded ways!

Positives:
-The characters, though we see little of them, do have some decent banter between them. The abortion-cookie maker bit was humorous and I can imagine a group of friends saying this sort of stuff in real life. Most of the dialogue was passable and didn’t sound too stupid, which is difficult to do.
-There are a wide variety of choices to make. Maybe too many, as explained momentarily, but this game certainly isn’t linear.

Things to improve:
-The grammar and placing of words in this story makes me think you’re ESL, or maybe you’re English sign language like me. Here’s some of the examples I found:
1) You change tense several times throughout the story, from past to present, without any indication of why this is happening. This is confusing.
2) You tend to add extra confusing words where there maybe shouldn’t be. Eg: ‘Shaking off the suitcase, as you ruffle your overcoat off your body.’ Could easily be ‘Shaking off the suitcase, you ruffle your overcoat off your body’.
3) "All of you are going to have to give me all your money! Go get'em now!" the ‘em’ in this sentence in this should be ‘it’.
4) Not related to grammar, but in the same vein, you are inconsistent with how you show thought. Sometimes it’s italicised and other times not.
-Hair is almost exclusively described as wavy, which causes confusion between the characters as I thought that this would be a defining trait.
-What the fuck do you mean the friends of the POV character installed a ‘shake table’ beneath his entire house. How? Why? What does this add? Why is there an earthquake that goes otherwise unexplained?
-As I mentioned prior, this has a ton of choices. However some don’t matter. For example in the ‘rock paper scissors’ and ‘wire cutting’ endings, I get a tiny variation in text depending on what I choose.

Overall, with some stricter editing, this could be far more concise. I wish your friend happy birthday!