Green44, The Dramatist
Daughter of EndMaster, my favourite colour is obvious.
Read my book: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rA9lP6yIxn7er5a7yhL3ksns2w-7SivrO3V5HwDVZvc
Discuss it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/forums/creative-corner/message/28741#870118
Recent PostsEbon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/28/2022 12:05:55 PM
Ebon gets title privileges because when/if he fails people NEED to remember he brought all of this on himself.
They've had a ton of time to write a minimal amount of words, six hours won't hurt anyone. However the cut off will be 1AM February first 2022 GMT. That's the time my inbox operates on, so honestly it's just easier for me. Any entries after this point don't count: you'll still be shamed, I'll still steal your points (minus corgi, for roleplay purposes).
Read-through Request on Diplomat on 1/27/2022 5:51:17 AM
I shall bow deeply, but not too deep to cause offence, and thank you for the applause before continuing to buisness.
Things to improve:
- I managed to get that ending literally just after posting the review. It didn't really change my perception of the story hugely and had no discernible spelling mistakes so you have a thumbs up from me
- No this definitely did not come off as irritating, I thought it was far better than just a simple 'yes or no' binary choice.
- That would actually be pretty cool. I know not every story needs a perfect ending, but it's always nice and makes me feel smart when I finally get them if they do.
- The headsets are a pretty cool mystery I think, they sort of give me an 'Angron's nails' vibe. Did you have particular inspiration for them?
- Looking over it, I think I discerned that information subconsciously later on in the story, as that point was made when I hadn't got all the endings. Something more concrete for the Selei would be cool though, although I did like that they responded positively to not being fucked about with flowery language and just being told it how it is in some of the endings.
Things I enjoyed:
- It worked well in my humble opinion.
- Victor deserves the world and is potential the best boss one could fathom. Everyone gets two promotions!
- Straight onto the Braethi, they're definitely somewhat Orky in nature, though I pictured them more as dwarves.
It's not an issue, it was fun to read and you've done the same for me! Can't wait to see this get featured.
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/26/2022 5:21:39 PM
Read-through Request on Diplomat on 1/25/2022 6:28:38 PM
Diplomat, a Green review:
First things first. This CYOA deserves more ratings and reviews. I assume it will receive them on February first, but until then let this review be my testement to the writing skill displayed here.
Things to improve:
Normally I'd place this as a secondary thing, but this section is what you're looking for and you're not a noob who needs their dick stroked before they get their ass beat.
- On the first page there are two spaces between ‘technical’ and ‘delay’.
On the first page you have a capital letter after a colon. Pretty sure that’s not right.
On the ‘months pass page’ where the shitty tech dwarf dudes leave, you put ‘continuation’ twice like this: ‘continuationcontinuation’.
On another ‘months pass’ page where Tan reveals the tribalistic truth about the devices you write ‘ivacuumnternational’.
On the ‘option A’ page near the first ending, you write ‘asses’ not ‘assess’. Assuming you don’t meant an arse here!
Also on that page you write ‘scare resources’ instead of ‘scarce resources’.
On the “We should enter in support of the Iridians. This attack is completely unprovoked, and we can’t turn our back on our allies.” You use a capital letter after a colon for a non proper noun.
On the ‘continue to negotiate’ page with the Selei, one of the links has ‘certainly’ mispelled.
When you present the information about the Braethi to the AI, you miss a full stop between ‘internet access’ ‘as such’.
You use a lot of commas. It isn't distracting, just a comment that seemed appropriate for this section. I'd watch that habit, you don't, want, sentences, like, this, one, in future. I mean maybe you do, it could totally work in some circumstances (hell, I challenge anyone to write me a story with just a ton of commas). Jokes aside: this isn't an issue (and I do the same thing).
While the narrative is very good, and will be praised later, there are some elements that I felt could be improved. I'll list them here (bear in mind I did not find the third ending, though not for lack of trying):
When I vote whether or not to accept the Bra-dudes surrender, it literally does not matter. I get the same ending either way. What COULD have been cool would be for Tan to come to you if you voted against going to war and someone from the more violent race coming to you if you voted for going to war. Or something similiar, the variables here are confusing.
I was almost upset that there wasn't a 'utopia' ending, where I could make have a good diplomatic relationship with all of the races and caused a United Galaxy. Each of the races encountered is good at one part of the civil sector and with the Algorithm's help I'm sure they could have conquered the known universe.
The Balthians cannot be reasoned with nor allied with in any of the endings I came across which kind of sucks. Being able to ally with everyone in the setting was awesome and the fact they were left out makes me feel like I've missed something big.
Some of the races come across as somewhat superficial. I know you're not going to get thousands of words of lore into a story so short, but I'd find it cool if there were side pages where I could view information on them (they could even be presented like diplomatic briefings!).
A final narrative thing I wish was improved was how the diplomatic relationships played out. Ninety nine percent of the time I felt like I was simply selecting choices based on randomness and won via luck, not skill. That kinda sucks. It'd be so cool if how to converse effectively with each race was revealed subtextually. With the warrior-ork guys (who were my favourites) this was shown through brief descriptions of their tech and culture. I felt smart for figuring out how to diplomatically converse with them on the first try: if all of the races had something similar it'd be awesome. I feel this would be very little work for a lot of payoff.
Things I liked:
- Apart from the things listed prior, all grammar is good. Your sentence structure is also varied and interesting. It's the little things like this that bring your writing up that extra level.
- Characters in this are well written. I won't go through them all because there are so many (which is not actually an issue because of how distinct they are), but here are three and why I liked them:
- The narrator/2nd person. I think most story games struggle with making the narrator too distinct or too bland, but this Diplomat treads that tightrope like a pro. The narrator does have their own personality and feelings in the language they use, but it never felt like they were encroaching on my choices.
- Victor. I loved his almost bureaucratic banality and how he seemed really happy with his promotions. When he becomes more important to future diplomatic relations I'm more inclined to take his side, because of this.
- Stranger. Not just because he gets a cool heading aid, but also because the concept of a one kind syndicate is cool (especially an optional one).
- The lore, though there was only a small amount of it, was very consistent. I liked the idea that the crappy ship guys were always just on the edge of blowing everyone up, or that no matter what you did certain factions made certain choices that made sense based on what we know of them.
- The fast pacing if the writing made it very enjoyable to read. This isn't a slow burner at all, it's oil on a gas stove. I read this in between my shifts at work and was constantly wondering what would happen next all shift. This is a hallmark of golden writing in my opinion.
Diplomat is a well written, well paced and incredibly branching narrative. More than that though, it's fun. It's enjoyable and exciting and deserves to be a top rated game. This review is over 1k words so I won't waste any more of your time: if you need clarification, ask!
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/24/2022 7:38:03 PM
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/21/2022 5:33:21 AM
Completion. on 1/16/2022 6:53:41 PM
(For those not on discord I'm still working on this and have made over 500 additional grammar and spelling corrections! Go Gryphon for helping me out, as well as other peeps who will be credited in due course).
Turn twenty five or so is when the real story begins and all the actual foreshadowing pays off. Now that characters and motives are established the actual plot can start, as a self critic I feel this also tends to be where my writing is best. Admittedly begginings are not my forte, which is why (as Mizal put it) 'it feels like you're thrown in there'. However personally I enjoyed writing chapter 25+ the most and I think that shows.
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/16/2022 6:39:17 PM
For all future people asking 'can I please enter': yes you may. If you publically post it here and don't deliver though, you're getting SHAMED.
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/14/2022 4:27:04 PM
Feel free, looks like I'll be reading a lot, some of it may as well be by an author I know is competent. Put a puzzle in this linear story and I might weep, though.
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/14/2022 1:47:31 PM
You get special circumstances.