hetero_malk, The Capybaliph

Member Since

3/14/2020

Last Activity

2/15/2025 8:44 PM

EXP Points

7,042

Post Count

777

Storygame Count

5

Duel Stats

3 wins / 6 losses

Order

Marauder Exemplar

Commendations

313

Hey, I'm Malk. I've been around for a while. Like, more than a decade.  I'm into ancient and medieval history, especially the social and religious kind. Here are some quotes about me: 

"In normal times a mad man like Malk would have been hanged for his crimes. However in this time of darkness mad men can reach positions of great power" - EndMaster 

"Malk probably wrote this whole fucking story while his pasty unhealthy ass was shitting on the fucking toilet. He should be the poster child that the Ugandan preachers point to when they’re preaching to their population of 'Do not eat the poo poo.'

I’m fucking serious, that’s like ALL he fucking talks about at the secret villain lair. That he’s going to shit, how he’s going to shit, what it felt like to shit and when he’s going to be shitting next.

Fuck bran muffins, this guy is eating raw fucking twine if he’s shitting this much." - EndMaster

"Wtf is this gay shit" - Fuck u 

Joined: 7/18/2014

A list of my achievements: 

Achievement Unlocked: Questionable Parentage (10)

 Achievement Unlocked: Not Mine (-10)

Achievement Unlocked: Uganda’s Most Wanted (60)

Achievement Unlocked: Begging For The Abyss (-300) 

Achievement Unlocked: Lord of the Edge (200) 

Achievement Unlocked: 1st Black Crusade (200)

I am also a site admin for some baffling reason. Do let me know if you see spam or bot activity that needs to be nuked. 

 

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Earning 2,000 Points Earning 5,000 Points You're an inspiration to Capybaras everywhere. Also your writing’s better than ever. Not only just an inspiration to capybaras, but humans as well. Standard-bearer. For winning the 2021 Edgelord 2 Contest Having 3 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 02/27/2021 - Magnificent Modding In The Face of Retarded Fury Given by EndMaster on 03/09/2021 - For rising above and beyond your humble beginnings Given by Gower on 09/01/2024 - You deserved this years ago. Given by Mizal on 05/14/2024 - For the Capybaliphate's many contributions to the site and community. (but mostly the monkeys) Given by ninjapitka on 12/29/2022 - A tribute to your raw talent we all envy

Storygames

Featured Story A Prayer for Destruction

Entry into EndMaster's 2024 Prompt Contest! 

The Faceless Knights uphold divine law, crushing mutation and degeneracy whenever they encounter it. When the young lord of a recently-conquered territory calls for a true servant of God, you must answer. 

This game has a sequel.


CYBERMONKEY

A short, silly, high-octane ride through a cyberpunk future where your bullets are few, your friends are fewer, and the long tentacles of the law are slithering up your pant legs. 

I am aware that technically, writing a sentence in all capital letters is gramatically incorrect. I did this on purpose, several times, for stylistic effect. If you point this out in the reviews, a team of hit-apes will kick in your door. 


Featured Story The End of Creation

Winner of EndMaster's 2024 Crisis Contest! 

This is a sequel to A Prayer for Destruction. It is highly recommended that you read that work before beginning this one.

The North, that frozen-over land of fanatics and heathens, has suffered a great and mysterious calamity. The Sultan bids you raise your banners and ride in his name to investigate.


WARCHIMP
HIGH OCTANE ALL CAPS PRIMATE MADNESS From the creator of CYBERMONKEY, the genre defining cult classic that got the author EXCOMMUNICATED from the IFDB! Entered into EndMaster's 2021 Manifest Destiny contest in the last moments before the bombs fell.

Featured Story Winter, After the Harvest

Winner of EndMaster's 2020-2021 Grimdark Contest!

Take the role of Lord Winter, an aspiring sorcerer and the scion of a noble line that has fallen into obscurity. 

Contains scenes of intense gore, brutality, and sexual violence. 

Cover art by the talented MadHattersDaughter.


A Man Flayed
unpublished

APEPROPHECY
unpublished

"Death is struck and nature quaking;
All creation is awaking,
To its Judge an answer making.
Lo, the book, exactly worded,
Wherein all hath been recorded;
Thence shall judgment be awarded.
When the Judge His seat attaineth,
And each hidden deed arraigneth,
Nothing unavenged remaineth."

-- Dies Irae

Ultimately, the fate of life is to destroy itself.


Brothers of the Breaking Dawn
unpublished


Slayer of Men
unpublished


Spear of Flint, Sword of Bronze
unpublished

Strange Occurrences in my Family
unpublished

Note: This was adapted with express permission from a friend's "Creative Nonfiction" project for ENG223: Journalism in the 21st Century at Toronto Metropolitan University. Footnotes added by me to add clarity when needed. 


The Blood-Slicked Path
unpublished

Turd Midas
unpublished

this is so fucking stupid


Recent Posts

Happy Valentine's Day! on 2/15/2025 3:17:28 PM

Went for oysters with my gf and then [REDACTED BY MINISTRY OF PUBLIC MORALITY]


Cavus' Nook of Reviews - Looking for suggestions on 2/12/2025 2:22:56 PM

I like Sabbatical Report Presentation.

I'm also, obviously, fond of my own games. 


Iliad Book Club, Book 3 on 2/9/2025 5:54:13 PM

I think his conduct was not brave. While it is true that Aphrodite whisks him away, his immediate impulse is that he wants to have sex with his wife:  which, while fair and understandable, is not the disposition of a man who is upset that he has been denied his heroic end. Also, I bring up fleeing in the hopes of making everyone look like a great big hypocrite when a beloved character does the same.

I  do think that there probably was a trans-Mediterranean idea that the underworld is generally unpleasant. It comes up a *lot* in ancient Near Eastern literature: famously in the Epic of Gilgamesh, but also the earliest substrates of the Hebrew Bible, where "the pit" (שאול)  is frequently described as a pretty awful and dismal place. 

The Odyssey characterizes the underworld as a "place without joy" (Book 11, Line 96, Wilson translation), and Achilles claims he would "prefer to be a workman, hired by a poor man on a peasant farm, than rule as king of all the dead" (11, 490-491). While that's not inconsistent with a state of nothingness, I think it's more consistent with a state of misery and frustration, especially considering as all of the shades are still very much concerned with their worldly affairs (that they are now powerless to influence). 


Iliad Book Club, Book 3 on 2/9/2025 5:03:28 PM

Hello friends, 

Sorry again for my lateness. Because this has happened two weeks in a row, I am revising our schedule to "every other weekend", not "every other Saturday."  

This is, by a quick Google search, apparently the shortest book of the Iliad. However, it is undoubtedly one of the most impactful. Paris' and Menelaus' duel acts as basically a second inciting incident for the plot. Additionally, we get to see some of the dynamics going on in the city properly: namely, that Paris is kind of cringe and fail, and is almost universally detested by his countrymen.

One theme I want to draw attention to in this chapter is ritual friendship or guest-friendship. Essentially, this was a religious obligation in ancient Greek society that, among other things, strictly forbids hostility between host and guest. Guest-friendship was an incalculably important idea in Greek polytheism. In Book 6, Diomedes and Glaucus refuse to engage in hostilities because their grandfathers had been guest and host, which lets you know that this is a theme being intentionally invoked by the author. Paris' cuckolding Menelaus isn't just him being immoral: it's a violation of religious obligation. 

Also, clock the foreshadowing about how they call upon the gods to punish a violator of the oath. 

As always, feel free to answer some none or all of the following discussion questions. 

Paris still gets the appellation "godlike", despite his plain inferiority to the other characters. What might be up with that? 

In Book 3, we finally get a look at a character of central importance. What do you think of Helen of Troy, so far? What does her attitude about her circumstances seem to be? 

In the Homeric worldview, death is a grim and unenviable fate. The condition of the deceased seems to be extremely unpleasant, based on Achilles' cameo in the Odyssey. Can Paris be blamed for not wanting to die? Is fleeing an activity solely reserved for cowards? 

Also, you guys are going to love Book 4, it's super violent. 


Flutter Leaving the Site: The Final Chapter on 2/9/2025 2:51:11 PM

does your sister like choose your own adventure stories 


BEASTMANCER: Game 1 on 2/4/2025 1:43:01 PM

The Pasha is visibly irritated by these desert men. "Here, have a cat," he says. "It eats rats. It's nice to have a cat around. Behold, the cat." 

He produces what is clearly a stray cat that someone found here and presents it. It's orange. The cat meows, so he sets it on the ground. It scratches its head. 

Beast


BEASTMANCER: Game 1 on 1/31/2025 12:14:21 AM

A fanfare sounds. A palanquin carried by a team of eunuchs is carried in. Behind the palanquin, is what appears to be a giant menagerie of premade beasts, being dragged by a team of elephants (in turbans). Pasha Malk, former lord of Skalreach and Most Serene Capybaliph has arrived. 

Before anyone can even finish their salaam, the Pasha is gesturing furiously at his eunuchs. "My lady," he says. "I have tinkered and experimented in my laboratory for many moons to create the beast you will see today. This beast is so pleasant, so mild-tempered, so good-natured that even if you were to rip him apart in a Dionysian rite, he would not even frown. May I present... the Magnanimous Antlered Cameleapord with a lion's tail!" 

Hearing its cue, the beast leaps out from the menagerie. True to the Pasha's word, it is a leopard with a camel's head. Its face bears an expression of placid, blissful imbecility. The Pasha strokes its tremendous moose antlers while its tail twitches amicably. 

"He's a good boy," the Pasha says. 

Prefix, prefix, beast, suffix 


I think I want to make a story. on 1/29/2025 8:59:24 PM

If you can't even start a story, it's because your imagination isn't rich enough. You need to read books, especially long and difficult ones, to develop a rich inner world. 


BEASTMANCER: Game 1 on 1/29/2025 3:26:50 PM

The Finnish ape considers the offerings of the bazaar for several minutes. Eventually, his primitive faculties produce a crude approximation of human speech: 

"The stoned firebird is very impressive, but I am worrying that a bird that is on cinammon reefer will not be a stalwart companion. I must pass," he shuffles to the next on his frostbitten stump legs. A herring falls out of his pocket.

He turns next to the hideous badger woman. "That is a terrible beast, and I am much liking the idea of Swedes shitting to death on an ice flow. However, I am not much liking the idea of me shitting to death on an ice flow from owning a dysentery monster, and must pass on this one too." 

Tom of Finland moves forward, carefully stepping over the dysenteric secretions. "This impundulu is intimidating, but the weather is bad enough I think. And I do not want the lightning to be striking me while I am swimming to catch the Pissfisch, which is much of my diet." 

At last, he turns his attention to the mighty orca. "This... is a beast of high quality. It can kill a seal, kill a Swede, and should the dread day arise when I am confronted with a Swedish seal, I'm sure it can kill that too. It is being a bonus that I can ride its back." 

He climbs on the orca's back and swims away, indicating his pleasure with the orc's selection. It occurs to everyone that Grammar the Punctual is probably not getting paid for this monster, given as Finns have not yet developed notions of currency. Point mizal. 


offensive words on 1/28/2025 6:48:08 PM

We like saying fag and retard  because it maintains a certain site culture and encourages censorious or thin-skinned people to move on.