hetero_malk, The Grandmaster of the Written Word

Member Since

3/14/2020

Last Activity

7/6/2022 2:11 AM

EXP Points

5,935

Post Count

417

Storygame Count

3

Duel Stats

3 wins / 6 losses

Order

Marauder Exemplar

Commendations

173

"In normal times a mad man like Malk would have been hanged for his crimes. However in this time of darkness mad men can reach positions of great power" - EndMaster 

Joined: 7/18/2014

Go review my game http://chooseyourstory.com/story/winter,-after-the-harvest

Alternatively, go read my short stories http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/creative-corner/message/26566

If you want a short game, play this http://chooseyourstory.com/story/cybermonkey

A list of my achievements: 

Achievement Unlocked: Questionable Parentage (10)

 Achievement Unlocked: Not Mine (-10)

Achievement Unlocked: Uganda’s Most Wanted (60)

Achievement Unlocked: Begging For The Abyss (-300) 

Achievement Unlocked: Lord of the Edge (200) 

Son of King Lugalbanda, who became a god, 

and of the goddess Ninsun. 

 

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Earning 2,000 Points Earning 5,000 Points You're an inspiration to Capybaras everywhere. Also your writing’s better than ever. Not only just an inspiration to capybaras, but humans as well. Standard-bearer. For winning the 2021 Edgelord 2 Contest Having 1 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 02/27/2021 - Magnificent Modding In The Face of Retarded Fury Given by EndMaster on 03/09/2021 - For rising above and beyond your humble beginnings

Storygames

CYBERMONKEY

A short, silly, high-octane ride through a cyberpunk future where your bullets are few, your friends are fewer, and the long tentacles of the law are slithering up your pant legs. 

I am aware that technically, writing a sentence in all capital letters is gramatically incorrect. I did this on purpose, several times, for stylistic effect. If you point this out in the reviews, a team of hit-apes will kick in your door. 


WARCHIMP
HIGH OCTANE ALL CAPS PRIMATE MADNESS From the creator of CYBERMONKEY, the genre defining cult classic that got the author EXCOMMUNICATED from the IFDB! Entered into EndMaster's 2021 Manifest Destiny contest in the last moments before the bombs fell.

Featured Story Winter, After the Harvest

Winner of EndMaster's 2020-2021 Grimdark Contest!

Take the role of Lord Winter, an aspiring sorcerer and the scion of a noble line that has fallen into obscurity. 

Contains scenes of intense gore, brutality, and sexual violence. 

Cover art by the talented MadHattersDaughter.


A Man Flayed
unpublished

APEPROPHECY
unpublished

"Death is struck and nature quaking;
All creation is awaking,
To its Judge an answer making.
Lo, the book, exactly worded,
Wherein all hath been recorded;
Thence shall judgment be awarded.
When the Judge His seat attaineth,
And each hidden deed arraigneth,
Nothing unavenged remaineth."

-- Dies Irae

Ultimately, the fate of life is to destroy itself.


Brothers of the Breaking Dawn
unpublished


Slayer of Men
unpublished


Spear of Flint, Sword of Bronze
unpublished

Turd Midas
unpublished

this is so fucking stupid


Whom the Gods Would Destroy
unpublished


Recent Posts

Interesting Comments 7 on 7/6/2022 1:02:07 AM

Mr Ace is really not going to like my idea of doing Rashomon  but with the discrepancies in the four Gospels 


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 7/3/2022 3:32:43 PM

The Pasha ponders this, for a moment, before donning a chef's hat and apron over his resplendant raiments of honour. He enters his howdah. A faint cursing, followed by the sound of a blender loudly blending can be heard. He emerges with a curious vial of a blue liquid that seems to emanate pure evil, shimmering with vibes so bad that they cause one to shudder .

"It is well known that the greatest metal-bards have the ability to snarl, bay and growl hideously, for the amusement of their depraved fans. Esteemed bard, I have crafted for you a beverage so evil, so rancid,  of such foul import, that I risk my very soul by selling it to you at reasonable cost. I have the distinct displeasure of presenting....

KIEL'S | GATORADE | INFUSED WITH THE ASHES OF THOSE WRONGED BY CAPITALISM 

The Pasha shakes it up, and the ashes swirl menacingly. "One swig of this, and the torment to your vocal chords will be so intense that your voice will reach such levels of ownage and brutality that it will cause men to cut their ears off just to escape it. The liquid was extracted from the life-essence of the Arch-Pedophile Kiel Farren, and distilled into a refreshing sports beverage. The magic was then further enhanced by adding the torched remanins of a dozen Portlandian Bluehairs, so that their assmad souls can further enhance the brew." 


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 6/25/2022 3:40:26 PM

The Pasha shakes his head. "Unfortunately, my artifices can only create objects of great beauty, so I have nothing for you." 

I'll pass this round. 


Surprise inside :) on 6/19/2022 9:17:02 PM


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 6/16/2022 2:15:48 AM

Pasha Malk thinks for a moment, and then climbs into his howdah. A moment later, he emerges, holding a velvet cushion with a small cloth over it. He unveils the cloth with a moderate amount of panache. 

"Diplomacy is, undoubtedly, the supreme art that a ruler must master; and one hundred percent of diplomacy is giving extravagant gifts. With what I have sculpted for you, you will surely be able to cow the other barbarians of the plains (no offense) into submission. With no further delay, allow me to present the...

Flanged | Bathroom Tissue | Duck Figurine | With Wings!" 

It's an ornately sculpted statuette of a duck taking flight, formed, origami-like, from a single length of luxury toilet paper. It rests atop a ridged base. 

"A wisened sage  once said that all history is a series of battles in which those who wipe their asses defeat those who do not. By giving this as a gift to a rival chief, you demonstrate that yours is the hygienic tribe, and thus belongs to the victorious ass-wipers. Moreover, it demonstrates your stupendous wealth; in a vaguely early-modern, medievalish setting such as the one we inhabit, paper is an absurdly expensive commodity; show your enemies that your realm is so prosperous that you wipe yourself with only the finest substances. 

There is also symbolic value in the duck. A duck is a peaceful animal, but capable of furious violence; your enemies will know that you are a woman of peace, but also capable of furious pecking and quacking, should the occasion arise. Just as a duck flies across the pond to catch a small fish, your horse flies across the plains, to deliver death to those who negotiate in bad faith."


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 6/15/2022 12:35:48 AM

Theobald disdainfully regards the candyfloss offered to him by the goblin. "This isn't going to help me dominate anyone, let alone Chad and Stacy. Plus, I don't want to look like some kind of child lurer and end up with a coral rope up my ass. Pass," he says as he disdainfully trots down the line of smiths. The pony stares  longingly at the candy. 

Next, he takes the chalice from the armoured smith, and inspects it thoroughly. "Hmm, the workmanship is impressive, and the unicorn-quenching is authentically evil. However, I'm not sure about my chances of forcing Chad (or even Stacy) to do anything, let alone drink from a sinister cup. Plus, Malk is half-gay and half-Jew, which adds up to one full pass." 

Next, he takes the kazoo from Gerbus. He sniffs it disdainfully. "This isn't really good for domination, plus a kazoo just seems kind of gay. I might want to start using hard drug infusions later in life though, so I might come back for this one." 

Just as he is about to make his decision, a latecomer surprises him. As the gryphon offers up a pair of truck nuts, Theobald ponders them thoughtfully. "Well, I do like things that are painted black, and the cruelty is a major plus. However, my pale horse is a mare, and I think it would give her some fucked up dysphoria if she had a fat black ballsack swinging from underneath her."

 He looks at Jimi last. He visibly brims over with contempt at the 2x4. "A Dark Lord doesn't use a peasant's improvised weapon, you grease-stained retard. Also, your mom is fat and gay." 

Only one weapon remains. Theobald takes the coral rope and gives it a couple experimental swings. "Now this is a suitable tool of domination and cruelty. Alluring underwater colours, to really draw the eye to the suffering innocents suspended from the gibbet. Plus, I the pedo-anus residue will cause horrific secondary infections, which is the kind of edge I need. Can I also use it to whip the shit out of people? I don't even care, I'll take it." 

Point to Sent. 


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 6/10/2022 5:48:05 PM

Suddenly, the adhan blares from a local minaret. Pasha Malk and his retinue immediately prostrate themselves facing Mecca, going through their evening prayers with such verve that there is no way they will participate in the next round. Over the din of fervant prayers to Allah, a pasty white teenager with buck teeth and a second-hand wizard's robe rides in on a skinny white pony. He has the thickest pair of glasses you've ever seen. 

"Uh, hey guys. I'm Theobald, and I'm going to be the next Dark Lord," his words are interrupted by a fit of snuffling and coughing. "Sorry, I'm allergic to my pale horse. Anyway, I need a weapon to help me conquer the world and stuff. Bonus points if I can start by using it to take revenge on the fucking Chads and Stacies down at the Wizard's Academy..." 


BLACKSMITH: The Second Game on 6/6/2022 10:30:57 PM

"As-salamu alaykum!" says that well-traveled man of the Orient, Pasha Malk, who needs no introduction. "Eunuchs, halt!" his team of frowning warrior-eunuchs lay his palanquin down, and quickly begin to set up a forge. Behind him follows a camel-train of his slaves, his wives, his concubines, and his bespectacled Court Jew. 

"My friend, I am sympathetic to your cause. In the Capybaliphate, the position of the Court Imbecile is held sacrosanct; no man would be permitted to threaten you with violence in this way. If you insulted the Prophet or the Capybaliph, your tongue may be ripped out, but that is just sound jurisprudence. In recognition of your plight, I have created the... 

Comically Large | Agate | Boxing Glove | Of Lesser Doom!" 

He pulls the weapon from the sack. It's unclear when he had time to smith this weapon, but unthinkable that a man of such virtue would simply pass a piece off from his armoury as his own work. The weapon is roughly twice the size of a normal boxing glove, and formed entirely of a reddish crystaline structure. Terrifying stalactites jut from the knuckles. The weapon is engraved with magic runes that are definitely sinister, but seem less sinister than the normal kind of magic runes. 

"I had my Court Jew translate Aristotle's work on comedy; he  concluded that, through the inviolable laws of astrology and alchemy, the boxing glove is the funniest known weapon to man. If it pleases you, I could even mount it on one of those extendo-spring things, for further practical hilarity." 


Surprise inside :) on 6/5/2022 2:57:14 PM

Nobody wants you fatty 


Surprise inside :) on 6/3/2022 9:24:57 PM

Obviously the Pasha will be winning this round, count me in