ISentinelPenguinI, The Grandmaster of the Written Word
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.
Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsBLACKSMITH interest check on 7/22/2021 10:22:07 PM
It's a collectible card game term, lol. Essentially if you get a really rotten hand, you can go "yuck!" And discard it, at the expense of drawing one less card to replace it.
BLACKSMITH interest check on 7/22/2021 6:44:04 PM
I'd say that you're allowed to pass a limitted number of times, at the penalty of not drawing the next round. You can also "mulligan" once, but this forfeits your extra card.
A Good Disney Reebot on 7/19/2021 8:55:19 PM
It was going good for a while at first, even though it sort of relies on you to believe that Jafar was in some way unpopular in the kingdom, and that every citizen of the Aladdin Sultanate was a watered-down disney protagonist, even though in the movie it feels like the townsfolk you see in this massive city probably wouldn't have even seen him, because he's just a bureaucrat. But I get it, it's the dynamic Jafar probably would've had with the King, so I guess it could extend to his subjects as well.
The shit really hits the fan when they have to just make shit up to make the others the bad guy, and then it's clear that they're not pointing out that many flaws in the source material other than the one obvious thing, they're really just making up their own story where the situation is reversed.
BLACKSMITH Game 1 on 7/15/2021 2:26:36 AM
Oregon Trail Part III on 7/14/2021 9:43:28 PM
Phew, sorry guys, I haven't played Oregon Trail in a while. Life has just been really weird ever since I moved to Milwaukee to escape the Corn Goblins.
So, this is the place I'm at right now. I'll be able to go home and play Oregon Trail after I've had dinner. Everybody in Milwaukee still has their masks on, but that's not the only thing that hasn't changed. As you can see, the entire city is still in Source 2. I've been waiting in line at this taco truck for a while, but- Is that guy trying to haggle over a bag of chips and a toblerone? What the fuck kind of taco truck is this!? Y'know what, I have food at home.
It looks like the riots are still going. At least it's not as bad as it could be, last time I couldn't get to my building. As long as I have my crowbar and don't piss off that racist guy with a samurai sword, I'll be safe.
Pardon the mess, I'm still not quite done cleaning out after the last guy. I sleep here in the livingroom because the other rooms aren't suitable for inhabitation yet, but y'know. That's the hidden cost of renting this much space for 25 bucks a month. Anyway, I'll just finish these leftovers and then get right back to the ol' Oregon Trail.
I'm still not really sure what was in that cow can. But it was certainly cow-flavored.
Well, this is my new gaming setup, built specifically for playing Oregon Trail on the highest settings. I met this guy at a duck restaurant who seemed to really know what he was doing. It wasn't cheap, and as you can tell I had to cut some costs elsewhere to afford it. But I wanted to get only the best, most system-authentic screenshots for this LP. I know you could probably tell by the little graphical defects in the original that my laptop wasn't up to the task!
Anyway, I put some snacks and stuff on that side of the couch so it would be ready if my friends came over to play Oregon Trail, but as you can see by the out-of-date CYS flag over there, not even the Amazon guy can get here right now. Ah well, if you have potato chips and a couch, you can pretend to sit here watching the game in real time!
Of course, the game is a little bit difficult for me to see from over here.
That's why I'll be putting it up on the big screen!
Of course, you're not here, so I'll be posting the screenshots for you to put on your own TV in full size here.
Hold on a second, why is malk driving? He's suffering from LATE-STAGE SCURVY! He's in no shape to drive anywhere!
Ah, wait, I see. He's got medicine.
I don't know if the developers knew that back in 1985, but I figured the microdose of vitamin c might be enough to keep him alive just a bit longer. Anyway, I'm sure you guys didn't come to this thread to listen to me gab on about this. I'll get back to showing you the in-game diary entries!
June 22th, 1848,
When last I left the camp, Malkalack was nearly in pieces. They had to tie him to the bed because he wouldn't stop flailing and screaming at hallucinations. He kept us up into the wee hours of the morning, always yelling, "THE BUFFALO! IT SAW US! IT KNOWS WHERE WE ARE! THE BUFFALO WILL FOLLOW US! HE WATCHES ME FROM WITHIN.". It wasn't the volume that kept me up- he was pretty hoarse after the first night of doing this, but it was extremely disturbing that he might have been right... What then? What if the Buffalo had seen us? I shudder at the thought. Even just thinking about that dead family we looted on the road gives me the creeps. They knew more about the fate that awaited them than we hopefully ever will.
At any rate, the good news is that we managed to rouse him to sanity by giving him his boof... He doesn't seem to have any memory of the night terrors that possessed him over the past few days. But he can also barely walk. Since our sleep schedules are now fucked up, we decided to drive in shifts to make up for the distance we lost by camping out in South Pass and scouring the entire mountainside for fruit.
What's worse, is during a particularly rainy day, Dark wandered out of camp on the lookout for berries, then slipped and fell into Malkalack's unburied diarrhea hole. We rushed to his aid and tried to clean him off as quickly as possible, but it was too late, he started showing signs mere hours later. Looks like he was infected with Malk's Scurvy as well. I decided it was time for me to take my leave. Seeing as this shit was all my fault, I wasn't going to return until I found something with vitamin c in it. But it's been a really long day, I spent half the remaining scouting time finding a good tree to sleep under.
June 23rd, 1848,
Well, today was a fucking wash. Not even a single berry to be found. The only fruit I've seen in months was that fucking gross apple! And there was nobody to trade with, either. It was stupid of me to swear never to return until I found some vitamin c! Just when I was starting to re-evaluate my entire future as a homeless woodsman in 1848, I heard music. And I saw woodland animals strangely congregated around a kiosk of sorts. I clutched all the money I managed to bring with me, and brought myself to the back of the line. I didn't notice much about my fellow patrons, aside the fact that most of them were deer, I was too busy trying to get a look over their shoulders at whatever was in the crates behind this service desk.
I don't know whether I should've been more or less surprised that the merchant sitting on this desk was a badger. I've sort of just been getting used to how wild it is out here in fuckin' Wyoming. He seemed to intuit that I was new here, probably because of my opposable thumbs, and introduced himself...
~this diary entry is interrupted by a cutscene~
"Howdy," Said the badger, "The name's Badger. Bernard Badger. Sole representative of the Mountain Merchants in all The Eastern Plains. If you ever wondered how the animals survive in the harsh wilds of Wyoming in a climate where there's not any fruit anywhere, whatsoever, that's because we give it to them."
"I thought most creatures didn't need fruit because they made their own vitamin c!" Sentinel said with confusion.
"Yes, but you saw what happened back there. Mexicans don't normally get scurvy, but your werecapy friend was able to pass on his scurvy pathogens with his shit! It might even pass on to whoever else you're travelling with if you're not careful!"
"How did you-"
"We're wise woodland folk, we can all smell a civilised animal with scurvy from a mile away. Which, coincidentally, is the distance we've been apart this whole time."
Sentinel was clearly not in the mood to question any of this. He slapped his money on the table with great urgency, "Look, this is all the money I brought with me. I left them with only 60 dollars to get by. How much fruit will this get me?"
The badger tched and shook his head, "Hm, well, we're fresh out of most fruit for today. But I do have this pizza. The tomato paste used in its construction should be able to help treat scurvy."
"How many can I get for $115?"
The badger took a long drag on his pipe, as if doing math in his head, "Hmm, you'd be able to get... This one."
"I can't help it. Pizzas are really fucking hard to make when you don't have hands. And also we're animals, these boxes have to be taken to the top of the mountains manually every week in order to get frozen. The labor hours that go into this are insane."
"What about just tomato paste?"
"Ew!? MY FRIENDS ARE DYING! I NEED MEDICINE!"
"Sorry, we don't carry tomato paste on its own. We only put it on frozen pizza."
"I can't afford your fucking frozen pizza!"
"If you have a problem with my prices, I have two people you can 'negotiate' with," The badger said, as two grizzly bears in security shirts stepped out from a cave behind the kiosk, "But I'm not a haggler. Out of the line please, there are customers behind you."
"YOU PRICK! YOU SWINDLER! THIS IS EXTORTION!" Sentinel said, grabbing his money and clenching it in his enraged fist. By the time he could put it in his pocket, the bears on either side of him grabbed his arms and started dragging him away.
"Easy now, let's not get violent." said Badger.
The bears didn't seem to fully understand english, but they did seem to growl instinctively in solidarity with Badger's thinly veiled threats. Sentinel panicked and reached for his gun, but the bear on that arm noticed this and shoved him out of the way, causing Sentinel to pull it out and panic-fire in the air! This scared away all of Bernard's other customers.
"You NINCOMPOOP!" Bernard snarled, "You scared away all my other customers!"
"Good!" Sentinel shouted in rage, "You were probably just gonna SCAM them all anyway!"
"We don't take kindly to SLANDER in these parts, birdman!" The badger said, his voice dripping with tobacco smoke and malice in equal measure, "Boris, Parsely, kill this insolent cretin!"
"I WILL NOT ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO DIE FOR YOUR GREED!" Sentinel said, working himself up into even greater rage as the two bears made moves to surround him, "YOU PILFEROUS PIZZAMONGER! YOU PRICE-GOUGING MUNG-MUNCHER! FUCK YOU!"
With that last 'Fuck you!', the Penguinite wound his arm back and decked Boris in the face with such force that his head twisted around at an unnatural angle, leaving Parsely standing there with a stunned and crestfallen look as his coworker fell to the ground in agony. Bernard dropped his pipe with fear, and turned to run away, but Sentinel managed to grab him by the throat. The badger's claws clattered uselessly against the gauntlets that Sent was totally wearing this whole time.
"You- You can't do this!" Badger choked, "Do you know who I am!?"
"YOU'RE A STRIPY LITTLE BASTARD!" Sentinel spat, "NOW TELL ME WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE PIZZAS, OR I'LL SWING YOU AROUND AND SLAM YOU AGAINST A TREE UNTIL YOUR TAIL BREAKS OFF!"
"YOU'RE A MANIAC! You hear me!? *cough* a FUCKING MANIAC!"
"They're in the barrel... Over there!..."
Sentinel dropped the badger where he was and went for the barrel, he began rolling it downhill, in the direction of the wagon path where the van likely was. Bernard Badger slowly got himself to his feet and cried out, "You've made powerful enemies today, Birdman! You cannot even comprehend the extent of your crimes, can you!? You SPUNGLEMUNDOUS CLOWN!"
Sentinel was already pissed, and, not one to let such a grave insult go lightly, he turned around and emptied the other barrel of his pistol into Bernard.
And this was the end of Sentinel's activities on June 23rd.
What happened to this place? on 7/11/2021 5:01:16 AM
Everybody called them Silver, but there was more to it. And iirc they had a bunch of numbers which makes them literally impossible to remember by default.
What happened to this place? on 7/11/2021 3:19:59 AM
Oh, no, he came back for like 2 weeks (coincidentally like the year after the younger one stopped using the site) under a different account claiming he forgot his password, did a bunch of forum rp, then (I think) got in an argument with Thinslayer, and like a while after that his posts slowed down to non-existence.
BLACKSMITH RESHUFFLED!?! on 7/8/2021 11:21:06 PM
I think that settles it, though I should also say, I just noticed that SOME OF YOU have flagrantly broken the "only one suffix" rule, but in such a syntactically sound way that I didn't even notice it until after I had to draw your cards again. Because I liked both those items a lot, I'm considering redacting this rule for others to also mess with at their discretion. Do any of ya'll have some two cents to give on this?
BLACKSMITH RESHUFFLED!?! on 7/8/2021 12:22:31 AM
It is your turn to go next, so it makes sense.
BLACKSMITH RESHUFFLED!?! on 7/8/2021 12:18:27 AM
I'm considering a revision since, as far as I can tell, this game works. And the "test game" we're running seems it's probably going to be a lot longer than I thought previously. And certain people are only one thing away from winning.
I'm considering extending this game to a "full" game with 5 points being the winning number, and dealing Tim and Tony in.
Should scores be kept as-is? Would you prefer if the scores were reset? I dunno how best to handle this but it feels weird knowing the others could potentially be waiting weeks to join and do stuff officially if we play through all this unchanged.
I'd like input from everybody on this,
@mizal @BerkaZerka @Wizzycat @hetero_malk @Tim36D @Nightwatch