Player Comments on Broken In

A fun intro and I’m not sure me choosing to embrace a life of crime is quite what I’d call a “sensitive choice” but ok. For stealthy cat burglars we seem to talk and yell an awful lot in our crimes. I’m not sure why my friend and I don’t seem to have names (did someone steal them?). To be fair the homeowner with the gun does have a point: we are terrible criminals. In real life I don’t think I’d have time to think about whether or not to step in front of a moving bullet. As I haven’t bothered to learn my friend’s name there is no way I’m intercepting that shot for them.

I love the fact that after the guy shot my friend and told me to leave, I casually informed him I would return, seems a shrewd move on my part. Then I somehow tackled and punched the guy to death while he chose to just not use his gun? Makes sense. The shifting point of view is fun but you don’t need to frame sentences with apostrophes. Am I a police officer, because police officers don’t have managers? George’s description of the crime ("There was a guy who killed a guy and a gunshot and we think the murdered attacked the murdered.") is pure poetry. His follow-up advice ("Bring your... everything.") is gold too.

WinNotTook is a beautifully phrased link and I was disappointed that this ended just as the originality in the writing was starting to reach real heights. As a starter game it’s ok apart from all the spelling and grammar errors, lack of names for the characters, lack of setting, atmosphere and depth and a complete departure from reality. You had branches and that was good. You had a plot that unfolded and the shifting viewpoints was a nice move, though perhaps a littleambitious. Work on brushing up your writing and then try a longer more realistic and develop dstory – you might also want to experiment with non-linear plots, flashbacks, etc to jazz up your writing a bit.

hi guys im funn1 and i rated this a 5

it was ok lockey. nth much to say

4/8

I got ending 1 and went back and found the other endings. For me, it felt very weird for a short story to have more than 1 pov's, not to mention very quickly before I could even get a feel for the characters.

This has potential, but it is really short (there are events but not the full narrative structure that would make it a story) and there are quite a few typos (one link says 'WinNotTook'). The dialogues are good, but try embedding them in a bit more prose to introduce the scenes and characters. At the moment the characters are hard to relate to because we are jumping between them and we don't know anything about them really. Some authors manage to create memorable characters without much description (e.g. Hills like white elephants), but then the characters need to have really strong voices to make it work. Anyway, it's a decent start but I think it would profit form a bit more work.

It is a cool story can you write more like this

I like my creation