Player Comments on Freedom Awaits (Zombie Survival)

Also you should work on making the curse words flow smoother, the use of fuck and shit didn't really seem to work too well in the way you used them.

And another tip, since the character has been in a coma for two days after a car wreck, you could use this to make it difficult for them to climb into a vent, dodge zombies, and go down fire escapes. You could make the reader have to think more strategically given their physical impediments.

Also a pool is not a full supply of water if you consider the chlorine and other potentially dangerous bio hazards. Rotting stinking zombies are health hazards you know, probably ridden with diseases and such.

Just some things to think about.

Killed myself as quickly as possible just so I could say this. It looks like it could have some potential, but take your time to write out details and edit.

Also show don't tell, for example you could have the character figure out all the details about zombies and bites for themselves. For example he could react in horror as a close friend is bitten and turns into one, then he could deal with the trauma of having to destroy said "friend".

Also don't forget the five senses as you're writing. These are important for descriptions and setting the mood of a scene. The characters feelings and thoughts in the aftermath of events is also just as important.

Keep writing and I hope to see some good stories from you.

You should work on your detail. Everything is basic. Nonetheless not a terrible story.

Bro, add more details. Take our time. Relax and edit it. I feel like you took an hour on it, then published it. Or, if you won't use details, at least give us some pics. -George Washington

There is definitely room for potential here, that much is sure. However, the story starts so abruptly, there is little detail to be made regarding your surroundings, little character development, little regarding the exact condition you're in, for example, "the doctor tells me that I suffered a concussion, which explains why I don't remember anything from the last two days. I must have been asleep the whole time. I flex my arms and my legs, relieved to find that there is no pain." You also need to double check your grammar and spelling; even if all that doesn't come easy to you, you can always ask someone to go through your work and edit it for little things like "to" to "two", or even ask someone else to add what I can only describe as "word filler" to give the reader more to look through and more to imagine the surroundings by. It may be minor to some, but it really does make a difference; just take a look at how the mundane details in Dead Man Walking make all the difference. I hope this helps, and I do want to see more works from you, because you had the courage to post this one up for the world to see, and not a lot of people can do that!