Player Comments on Kirby Time Allies: Teleportation Troubles

It's passable though I'm afraid that I'm not that much of the target audience as I'm frankly very confused about the plot. (Surprise, surprise it's a Kirby fanfic) So I'll only comment on the prose for now and let others do the other stuff.

I think the biggest problem this story has is the white void syndrome.
As a reader, I actually have no idea where Kirby and this other character are standing. They could be talking in a white void and nothing would contradict that otherwise. So don't be afraid to add a little bit more environmental descriptions every once in a while.

The dialogue too is a little stiff. It's also remarkably difficult to parse out who is speaking what. Nothing wrong to sometimes add "Kirby says"! Plus, I think it would also help if you have distinct voices for the characters. One person might speak a bit more formally with longer sentences while the other will swallow words and value brevity.

I do like that you split the text up in manageable paragraphs. You would be surprised to see that many people will just post an entire textwall without paragraph breaks. So good job!

The length of it is also rather remarkable seeing that it's your first storygame (I'm not really sure bout that fact since you renamed it). It looks like you put quite some effort in it, which is very much worthy of praise.

Focus for your next story on readability and the quality of your prose and keep it up!