“Are you worried about these uncertain times? Do you…”


You’re so damn sick of these Ground Zero commercials you think as you turn the TV off. If you older brother Ben hadn’t shot his family and himself in a tragic paranoid breakdown you can only imagine he’d be going on about how right he was in building that underground bunker out in your backyard.

You look at the time and realize you’ve spent most of the day procrastinating watching TV even though there’s not much on that interests you on TV anymore. All the channels you used to watch that had interesting shit on them now all have shallow reality shows and quite frankly you’ve got enough dysfunctional family drama going on in real life without needing to watch it on TV.

You remember a time when you could avoid most of the mess by hiding out in your basement. Unfortunately you can’t even do that anymore. Ever since dad drank himself to death, the gravy train of living at home for free came to an end.

Without the help of your dad’s pension checks anymore, your older Amazonian sister Kelly said there was no way in hell that she was going to keep supporting the house on her own unless she was the only one living in it. Seeing as she’s a roller derby bitch as well as an illegal fight club brawler, it isn’t like you or any of your siblings were in any position to argue with her.

Your younger brother Peter, having given up his lofty dreams of being a famous movie director now spends a lot of his time in the garage making amateur porn with various guys he picks up at the clubs. He makes enough money through his website that it keeps Kelly off his back. He seems to enjoy what he’s doing and at least he’s not stealing your clothes anymore.

Your younger sister Donna simply moved out and moved in with your best friend Julie who is still the eternal party girl. Really you’re surprised Julie hasn’t caught every STD known to man at this point. To be honest Donna’s had more in common with Julie than you have for many years now. You’re sure Donna’s a lot happier at a “party house.”

As for you, you didn’t have much in the way of options. Trying to get a job has failed spectacularly in this economy. Though your…”unique” and reclusive personality doesn’t exactly help in that department.

Given some of the junk that’s laying around the house you sometimes wonder if you shouldn’t try to sell some of it over the Internet to support yourself. Seems like a lot of work though and you’re no wheeler and dealer.

Donna suggested that you move in with her and Julie, but that whole scene isn’t for you. As much as you hate dealing with Kelly, you’d also hate having to put up with drunk horny guys (and girls) trying to get into your pants every five minutes, not to mention the loud music, crowds and the ever growing possibility of the cops busting the place for illegal drugs.

Which brings you to your boyfriend Bobby Morningstar who naturally has suggested that you move in with him on several occasions. This would be the ideal solution if it weren’t for the fact that his own family consists of like a million siblings that all live in his cult compound. There’s also the fact that his ex-girlfriend/sister Diana is wicked pissed at you for stealing him away from her.

It’s been an ongoing source of tension between you and Bobby and you wish he’d just leave them all behind and you two could make a life together elsewhere, but his duty to family is strong, as is his faith to the Babylonian Goddess of Chaos, Tiamat which still involves human sacrifices.

Right now you’re having a period of separation with him. Sometimes you think about breaking up with him completely, but then you can’t just dismiss the good times you do have with him. You have that special bond that only a couple could have when one warns the other about their serial killer relative lying in wait for them in the woods. Thank god Bobby took care of your uncle Ed. That had to be the scariest moment of your life dealing with that situation.

Of course none of this delightful recap of past events really helps you. Kelly is starting to get very impatient with you and you fear that your months of stalling are coming to an end.

Kelly’s currently not home, but she’ll be back in a few hours to get a bit of sleep before heading off to her fight club stuff. Continuing to enjoy the time you have to not have to deal with her you go back to procrastinating, which mainly involves goofing off on the Internet, “stumbling” upon a porn site and then using battery powered means to relieve yourself of stress.

Eventually you hear the familiar slamming of the door and stomping around upstairs, which signifies that Kelly is indeed home.

“SUZY! Stop splittin’ the kitten and get yer bony ass up here!” you hear Kelly shout.

You were afraid of this. You clean yourself up a bit, mentally prepare yourself and then head upstairs.

“Hey Kelly…” you start to say, but are interrupted.
“Shut up. I’ve got exactly a couple hours to get some rest before I have to drag my ass to my other job to support this fucking house and it’s a fucking mess! You can’t even clean up around here? Did you even look for a job today? Let me guess you spent the whole day fucking around on the Internet and masturbating didn’t you?”
“Well uh...”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ Suzy, you’re goddamn useless you know that? The only reason I’m not kicking your ass right now is because I need to save my energy and it would be too fucking easy.”

Before you can even speak, Kelly continues her rant.

“GET A FUCKING JOB! I don’t care what kind! Just be a contributing member of this household like Peter or get the fuck out like Donna!”
“Kelly I’m trying, but I’m just not having any luck in finding anything, can’t you help me out?” you say.
“Help you out? I’m helping you out right now by supporting your ass! I’ve been helping you out for quite some time! In fact I originally suggested that you could probably become a ring girl at the fights, but you said no because you didn’t want to dress up in skimpy clothing and parade around in front of a bunch of drunks.”
“Kelly, you know I don’t want to dress like that in public, especially not after what uncle Ed made me wear that night…”
“Oh here we go, crazy old uncle Ed! How long you going to keep using that as an excuse? Sheesh, the way you go on about it, you act like he raped you. What happened instead? He got killed, you weren’t even touched and you got a fucking boyfriend out of that deal! Some of us should be so lucky to be in a fucked up situation and STILL come out ahead! You know what I deal with on a regular basis? Steroid freaks trying to break my fucking neck that’s what! You think I’d be making a living trading punches with fucktards if I LOOKED like you Suzy? You got the biggest advantage and you’re just wasting it! What the hell is your goddamn problem?”

You can see that Kelly is in full-blown jealousy mode and shows no signs of stopping. Attempting to walk away will only result in her getting physical with you so the only thing you can do is endure the verbal assault.

“This is sink or swim time sis. You either get your shit together by the end of this week or you’re out on your ass! This sheltered girl act is really fucking OLD! You’re a grown ass WOMAN. Start acting like one! Now get out of my fucking sight.”

You meekly slink back to the basement and leave Kelly alone.

You silently mope for a while pondering what the hell you’re going to do next. You then notice that your phone has been under your couch cushions and on silent all day. Bobby apparently has been repeatedly trying to contact you. Even left multiple texts saying that he really wants to talk, but the mood you’re in right now, you don’t want to deal with it.

You don’t want to deal with anything. You just want to be safe in your own little world in the basement. How you miss those days…

Well today isn’t completely over yet. You’ve still got time to salvage some of it. Hell, maybe you can even make a major change in your life.