Player Comments on Momojiro

Overall: This story could be good. It could be.
But it isn’t.
Please, Mr. Author Dude, unpublish this and do some proofreading. Maybe try to enlist a friend of yours, or lacking that, someone from this site, to proofread as well, and give you tips on ways to improve. Fix this.

I’d recommend reading this if you want experience as a proofreader, want to be able to write a trashy review, really need that point, or are going for the top rater trophy.

Characters:
Jiro- the hero. That’s about it. Nothing particularly exciting.

Taro- Whiny, spoiled, disillusioned, petulant boy. Possibly the only character who isn’t 100% one dimensional.

Master/Father- tyrannical paternal figure. Basic, though you did a good job of portraying him as a narcissistic piece of shit, even if it was a little overdone.

Mother- caring, submissive maternal figure. Why?

3/8, and that’s generous

SPAG: Quotation marks are a thing, bro. So is proofreading.
1/8

Plot: The plot was actually slightly interesting, and definitely unique. Kudos. However, I just don’t feel like there were enough details, and the plot structure was somewhat scattered and nonexistent at some points.
4/8

Branching: No branching for a long time. However, there are more than two endings available and the choices actually make a difference.
5/8

Bonuses: nah fam

Rating: The ratings average out to 3.25, which I’m rounding to 3/8, which is probably more than this story deserves but it’ll buff

**specifics (also known as spoilers) below**
Typically quotation marks look like “ and not ‘. Maybe you’re from outta town and they do things differently, but that’s the only way I learned it. If you hold the shift button while you tap the ‘ key, it should produce this effect.

>'Nonsense,' he exclaimed. 'If it were a girl, it would have been dead by now.'
What’s that supposed to mean, bucko?
Ah, I see, the guy is an asshole. Well played.

>'Mother, how can I help you?' He said with joy.
Even if the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, if it’s followed by a dialogue tag (which in this case, it is), then you don’t capitalize the “he”, or whatever the word in that spot would be. Also, why, WHY are you using apostrophes in place of quotation marks? I’m so confused.

>His mother was the only one who ever listens to him now.
You used two different tenses in one sentence. No.

Am I playing as Jiro or Taro, or perhaps some random 3rd person observer? What’s going on here?

>'My chest... come in! Come in!' He shouted.
“He” shouldn’t be capitalized

>He still did whatever he was doing before his father died.
There’s gotta be a better way to put that, hon. “Whatever” is not very descriptive, and this IS supposed to be a story

Yeah, I’m not going through more paths. I get the gist.

The grammar and formatting could have been better, but the story itself was alright.

Not a myth I'd heard of before, thank you for writing this.

The excessive amount of paragraph breaks made me far more delighted than it should have. 8/8

The premise is interesting and I like the non-western choice of fairytale. The moral and theme are pretty straightforward and as is the story. The choices have little consequence and the last choice I found did not matter at all. The shifting between character focus was strange because at first we’re to believe the main character is Taro but then we’re following and making choices for Jiro. The story is rather linear and short with little dive into Taro’s (or any) character. The writing is also a little disjointed but sort of works if the goal is to feel like an oral story.

I have no idea what TCat was saying with the paragraph breaks, it was fine to me on my screen.

To begin, the story is wholesome and adds on a unique twist to the momotaro folklore. To me, the main selling factor is the writing style and tone. The way you wrote this (I'm not sure if it's intentional or not) is very conducive to the folklore atmosphere. While simplistic, the writing sounds almost orally read to me.

It isn't without its faults, however. After clicking around for a bit, I came to the conclusion that branching is virtually non-existent. As far as I've seen, there's only 2 possible endings with 3 choices of ~2-3 to get there.

Some parts could be looked over to make sure it reads a bit smoother, but nothing jumped out at me.

I'd like to say more about this story, but there simply isn't any more, unfortunately.

5/8 - Out of consideration for the contest rush and the nice style.

The exessive amount of paragraph breaks made me far more irritated than it should have. 1/8.