Player Comments on A Broken Heart

It's a great big, garbled mess of memories that seem to have little significance at all. Like so many different girls were mentioned I got confused and I'm also a little confused on where this is supposed to make you think about your life because I'm actually depressed and that story made me feel nothing.

Do not publish a story that isn't finished.

I saw a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes in there, and that text message thing threw me off so bad. What was the point of that? It did nothing except confuse me. So if you want a better rating, Finnish it, fix it, and then maybe we'll see.

Oh, and I know Steve already mentioned this but I'd just add too, it's jarring and unnecessary having ??? in the place of the protagonist's name. It's a character in a story, just...give them a name.

The title and description I'm uncertain of as well, phrases like 'I do have to warn you that this story is only for those who do not suffer any form of Depression, and it may cause people to think about there life.' seem awfully dramatic for a story where nothing much happens, and certainly not anything that could be considered depressing or bad. Though maybe this is something else intended for the full story.

P.S. It's 'their life'

First off, I should point that posting unfinished stories is really, really discouraged here, so that will hurt your rating.

Other than that, my feelings are pretty much in line with other reviewers. The writing was good, though uneven. A few typos and punctuation errors, genuinely decent pages followed by very rushed ones with bare lines of inconsequential dialogue and no descriptions at all, while dialogue that would've been far more interesting is simply summarized after the fact.

And then of course it just ends abruptly before any actual plot happens. I have to say I found myself getting annoyed with the protagonist, which...well, sorry, if they really are based on you. But there was just so much complaining and feeling sorry for himself over some really trivial high school shit, and it was only compounded when no choices were given to do otherwise. That last bit being kind of an important component of a CYOA.

Maybe you've got more of a plot planned for the next part and this was just a slow start, but what's here is what you put forward to us to rate.

This was genuinely a pretty enjoyable story. The writing wasn't the best, and there were grammatical errors, but I think that you make a pretty good story teller. I don't really understand where the broken heart comes into play, or if it does at all in part 1, but I understand the fear of your date not coming, and I think it makes for decent conflict. I dislike the protagonist, because he's kind of a whiny misogynist, but I think with a couple edits, you could fix it. Also, I kind of hate that it's two parts. The story while being lackluster, was entertaining, so I must give you props. Next time, I look forward to you improving as a writer, and writing an even cooler story.
P.S. Avery must really be hot if she's practically an angle :)

Firstly, you don't need to say ??? in place of the character's name. You can just give him a name, because no one cares if they're playing as someone with a different name. The writing wasn't bad, although it seemed odd in some places, like "she enters her vehicle" instead of just "she gets in her car", which is must less robotic. Also, saying shotgun is a weird way to say "passenger seat", and you describe the kid in front of me as "man". It's just weird descriptors like that that are kind of off-putting. Also as Will said, probably shouldn't have used "admittedly small breasts" as a descriptor. Kind of makes her seem like a dick. There's parts where you replace dialogue with lines like "you have a long, in-depth talk with her". That talk could've been a character building moment where I empathize with the characters, but it's just brushed off as I'm told it was important and in-depth.
Another issue is how few choices there is in this. I don't think there was a single relevant choice in the game, and the few choices there were was shit like starting the conversation or waiting for them to start it, which had no signifigance. There was one point where I was in front of a locker and thinking over whether to leave my note to a girl in there or not, but rather then me choosing, the story didn't let me. It's moments like that where the fact that I have no choices really glares through. There was one where Kolter asked me if I liked Jenny, and no matter what I said, he’d end up asking her to the dance for me.
The story itself seems super bitter. Talking shit about Tyler Hines, insulting Alicia's name because she's a bitch, a lot of self-lamenting that really isn't justified. It seems like kind of a narcisstic, exaggerated rant about your life. Characters are just kind of dropped in with "he sits in front of you" and then disappear as easily, clearly because you know them, yet the reader doesn't. The story is just kind of the same insignificant school drama that everyone goes through, and it's just not interesting. Quite frankly, I care notihng for anyone in the story. Whether it's the girl I really like who's still described as "small" tits before funny or nice, or the whiny protagonist who isn't really likeable, it's just a boring setting.
Despite my dislike of the actual story, I do think you show potential as a writer. You've put in effort, although making games in parts is HEAVILY discouraged, and there's not many grammer or spelling mistakes.

Another thing to point out: the story is wholly linear. For anyone not in your shoes it's quite hard to sympathise with the main character because most of the stuff that happens to him isn't particularly bad, compared to people who've lost limbs or struggled with serious disabilities losing a date for a Valentines Dance seems mildly disappointing but probably not life threatening. My solution would be to ask someone else but then again perhaps I'm over-simplifying the situation :D

Ah autobiographies... you must have a premonition of winning a Nobel Prize or becoming a major public figure to write one at such a young age or maybe it's therapeutic :) I always wonder why people write diaries... anyway as a general experience of life in American High Schools it's well and honestly written but there doesn't seem to be any overriding plot beyond "a bunch of stuff happened this term". I'm not sure where the broken heart comes in.

Lines like "a tall blonde girl with admittedly small breasts" may lend a clue to why the main character has limited success in his romantic endeavours :) He also seems to overreact or overthink some situations though admittedly stuff like getting punched in the stomach isn't exactly a great experience.

Rather than dwell on the pain it might be more effective to consider how to deal with it, sometimes reading about bullies in American high schools I begin to understand why they have about 100x as many school shootings as they do in European countries (that and everyone has guns... but Canadians all have guns too and don't seem to use them as much).

You need to have some sort of aim or goal for the reader in the story (the need to fit in for example) because it feels like a rather general range of experiences at the moment and also you're opening yourself up to a wide range of marksmen by telling the tale of your life and providing so many targets that can be shot down. If the Internet can be compared to a poker table you've effectively showed your hand to everyone :P

That said it wasn't a particularly bad story, just a bit meandering. The spelling was good, the characters well rendered and if the main character was a bit difficult to empathise with that may be because it's difficult to understand his motives and the reader doesn't really feel like the character he is meant to be because the character he is supposed to be assuming has his own personality still in place already. This and the fact the story is a bit linear in places can make it hard for the reader to associate with and enjoy the story.