Player Comments on Demo 1.0

... I'm not ... entirely sure this deserves as bad as a 1. I usually save a rating that terrible for a troll story or something that genuinely pisses me off. However, I've said this before many, many times: Do not publish demos, I don't care what your reason is, it is not okay. Let me say it again: IT IS NOT OKAY TO PUBLISH A DEMO. If you want someone to preview your work, ask on the forums, don't publish ANYTHING until you believe you are finished writing it.

Next: Waking up with amnesia is an incredibly common plot among CYOAs. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's a common plot because it works, gives the player a lot of leeway as to who and what they can be, gives a lot of freedom to where the story can go, and so on. However, the sad part is that it doesn't look like you tried to DO anything with it. So I have amnesia. Great. Now where's the rest of the plot? >_> Anything else? Anything? ...No?

Your punctuation is poor when not totally absent, writing numbers ("2 minutes") instead of their names ("two minutes") is a bit unprofessional, you need to work on sequence of events because you told me in the narration that I left, but then you give me the link to leave, and the next page consists of you telling me that I was stopped by three guys before I could even get to the door.

Your grammar needs work, "The robber watching you sees you attempting to escape so he waste you with his gat" should be "The robber that is watching you sees you attempting to escape, so he wastes you with his gatling gun." (I can only assume that's what the word "gat" is supposed to mean. Incidentally, if that's true, what the f*ck kind of idiot brings a freaking GATLING GUN to a GAS STATION ROBBERY? xD I mean, the mental image is hilarious, but were you even really trying to be funny? Literally no one does this. It's also not very common for these kinds of robberies to end in the deaths of customers and clerks.)

Every choice in the game eventually ended in death, which would not be so bad, but your deaths were also boring and a bit contrived, which is practically criminal. If you're going to make a death that is unrealistic, please make it interesting or at the very least, funny. We learned nothing about who we are, how we ended up there, why ... or anything, really. Plus, if the gas station attendant cannot understand us / we cannot understand him, how is it that we understand the language of literally everyone else in the game?

The fact that all the thugs around us speak our language suggests that, A, we're in a mainly English speaking country (or that everyone speaks whatever language we speak ordinarily) and that the gas station attendant does not speak a lick of English (/our language) which makes no sense. How is he in customer service if he can't speak the common tongue? Or, B, that he IS already speaking the main language and, for whatever reason, we ran into thugs and thieves who decided to state all of their demands in a foreign / secondary language that we just so happen to understand because ... they're psychics of some kind who knew we don't understand the common tongue and were trying to make us feel welcome, I guess?

The point I'm making here is that you're not putting enough thought into what you're doing and the continuity of it. Provided you can get us to care about the events of your game, which should be your goal as a writer, we're going to think about these kinds of things. If you don't put an adequate amount of work into setting up a solid world, it's going to crash and burn as soon as someone starts to play around in it. You also didn't establish much of a world to begin with. You need to describe your world in detail and be creative.

In summary: Try harder, please.

Very short story again. I know it is a demo, but it clearly makes no sense and there is barely one sentence on a page.

This game doesn't deserve a 1--it's not that bad. The problem is how short it is (I think Kiel's comment below is much much longer than the game itself XD) and, I think, the maturity level is off. It should at least be a 4 or 5, if it has an s bomb in it. The writing is...not BAD, just not good. A little more effort'll get you a higher rating.

I don't think you should continue this. This story was pretty bad, and lacked in a decent--or any plot.

I suggest you plan a new story out, before writing, and then when you do begin to write, use MUCH more detail in your story. Hopes this helps! <--- (exclamation point used to emphasize my point)

No. Your story is terrible. Your writing is PURE SHIT.