Player Comments on People in a village

I'm not sure how DerP even found this game, it's unpublished and the author hasn't been around in over a year

Grammatically this is fairly confusing. Either this was written by someone that's still learning English or it was put together by some kid who didn't care.

*Spoilers*

Story wise it's still confusing. I was able to figure out that the MC was a Vampire wearing some kind of ring that suppresses their powers. I think the MC was lost in the woods with some girl with an incredibly old latin name. I couldn't follow much more than that.

I only gave it one play through because of the roughness of the grammar. I'd advise unpublishing this story and putting some more work into it. It wasn't ready to be published, some more work into the writing and I would love to find out what this story is actually about.

I am a little confused by the intro page because I’m a vampire in high school, but lost in a small village. Hopefully I’ll find out how I got to this small village in the story. And if I’m not drinking human blood, I’m not sure what the point of being a vampire is, but maybe that will be explained in the story as well. We’ll see!

I realize this is your first story, but feel free to change the title of the pages. There’s not much worse than reading “New Page 1” on the first page of the story to really ruin the mood of the story. There are a few issues on the first page with verb tenses. As mentioned, this is likely due to learning English as a second language – it’s not an easy language. Anyway, I’d suggest you try posting a few paragraphs in one of the forums here to ask for feedback, as some of the verb issues are very obvious to native English speakers, but aren’t usually that obvious to others.

The idea and the conversation on the first page are nice. I like that the explanation of being lost was added through conversation easily. It was a little confusing from page one to page two: on page one we headed towards the smoke, but on page two Octavia said she just saw someone. Where did the smoke go? And how come it is suddenly daytime when the sun had just gone down on page one? And on the end of page two, I don’t know what’s going on. The choices talk about me trying something, but I don’t know what I’m trying. Could I do what?

This seems like a nice attempt at a first story, but is certainly needs some cleaning up and polishing. Please do continue to write, but also please join us in the forums. There are many who will help you work on the words and the English to make this story (and your English) make much more sense.

There are grammar errors and the story overall is confusing.

Really, really obviously by an ESL author and just not a good grasp on the language at all I'm afraid.

This was incredibly short, ended abruptly, and all the vampire stuff in the description isn't explained at all in the story itself. But the main issue right now is the grammar etc, it's mostly incomprehensible.

To the author, do you have a friend or teacher or anyone you know who could help you with editing? Although I'd mostly recommend just reading more books written in English, that's the simplest way to learn this stuff naturally.