Player Comments on Your quest around Rhode island

I like the plane ticket item and appreciate the length of the story. However, there are too many spelling and grammatical errors. Also, the story doesn't make a lot of sense - it's nice to get the character involved in a grand plot, but the reader can only suspend so much disbelief. It was peculiar that suddenly I have a Dodge Viper, as well as other things that appeared and weren't mentioned before. You need to edit and revise this story and rethink how the character could be involved in this plot - why exactly would these terrorists be after him?

I try to keep an open mind when playing a new storygame, but that's difficult to do when there is an error in the title, the story length is 5 and the player rating is 2. My poor expectations were met. This game seriously needs work.

Firstly, the writing is not only full of spelling, punctuation and capitalisation errors, but the writing is very vague and incoherent throughout. There were far too many moments where I didn't understand what the author was trying to say. It was often confusing whether the people interacting with me were terrorists or police, partly because I had no idea what the hell was going on. What do you mean by amateur cop, and why would such a person have a badge? The people escaping on speedboats were dressed up, but not? There were so many confusing moments like this all over this story. Your writing is an atrocious mess and you really need to check that it makes basic sense before you even start checking it for typos. That's really saying something about the poor quality of the writing.

For the most part, there was no real plot and it was just mindless, repetitive, tedious fighting and killing. Where there was some story it felt shallow and not very well thought-out. The plot twist didn't really make sense. This game was as linear as could be with the most inconsequential of choices. Left/right type choices with no indication of which might be better are always horrid. You were too lazy to even change the dish ordered at each restaurant. You could have kept everything else the same, and just changed a few words, and then it would have at least made a small cosmetic difference. All the choices were either like this or very unpredictably and suddenly killed you, and the brief explanations as to why you died were often unsatisfactory and sometimes didn't make sense.

All the characters were paper-thin and character development and motive was severely lacking. All I would hear about my own character is how he was nervous, afraid or crying in very simple terms. The terrorists were boring villains and seemed to be at odds about their loyalty to their group and how willing they were to help you with information.

I'm pretty sure Afghani isn't a language. You didn't even spell this made up language correctly, calling it Afangi (I'm not joking). Upon Googling, apparently it's a hostel in Iceland.

I makes me sad to think that this storygame could have been decent if you'd just gone over your writing, adding detail and coherency; fleshing out characters and plot a little more; making some branching paths and choices that make a difference. As it is, its combination of length and poor quality makes it a headache to read.

I like the plane ticket item and appreciate the length of the story. However, there are too many spelling and grammatical errors. Also, the story doesn't make a lot of sense - it's nice to get the character involved in a grand plot, but the reader can only suspend so much disbelief. It was peculiar that suddenly I have a Dodge Viper, as well as other things that appeared and weren't mentioned before. You need to edit and revise this story and rethink how the character could be involved in this plot - why exactly would these terrorists be after him?

I have a question to ask, What is Rhode island? If this is a story about Rhode island, you could at least tell us what Rhode island is, unless this is a mystery.

Length-wise this was good, but not in story-wise. I died on nearly every page.

The words didn't make sense. If they did, the sentences still wouldn't make sense. If they did, the plot still wouldn't make sense.

Well...I like homework...so quite an accolade! But full of spelling mistakes...eugh.

I shoot you, they shoot you, everybody shoots you, you die.

boring

Boring

I appreciate the length, and partly the effort, but there is much room for improvement. Read the last few comments, I'm afraid if I said something I would be repeating them.

"What nutbrians"
I stepped on a trap and all the blood fell out of me. . .
Your descriptive writing was interesting, and it definitely felt like it took more than 15 minutes to write, but it was still more of a narrative than an actual CYOA. A few more choices that affect the outcome of the game in ways other than death would be nice, too.

Grammar needs to be taken care of, linear, and storyline is a bit...dull...and confusing. It could be a good game, if you had fix these parts. Next time, try harder.

Why are terrorists out to get you? How does poison kill you in one bite of food?

Also, the game was too linear too be considered any real fun. Not to mention, it was more or less reading a book, with a few pages that can be skipped.

Try to branch out a little. Add in some puzzles. Everyone else is probably going to choose the same exact path. There is no escaping that if you play this.

Oh, and the descriptions on some pages were a bit lacking. Nice pictures though.

OK dude that was horrible.
So many things were lame about that.
1. You decided everything for me. At the end of basically every page there would be something like "and you deicde to" BUT ITS CYOA NOT A DANM BOOK, IM SUPPOSED TO DECIDE!

2. All of a sudden were a cop like wtf, and then all of a sudden we have a dodge viper after we took the plane for like a bazillion years and then to top it all of theirs a danm machine gun in the bathroom but we searched there earlier and it wasnt there.

Overall 1/8

It's done. Finally, now everyone play it please.