Player Comments on A gleam in the war.

At first glance this looked promising with the 6/8 length and all, but when it's entirely sentence fragments, weird spacing and increasingly error-riddled text, having to slog through more of all those things isn't doing it any favors. The author is most likely ESL which to some degree would excuse the grammar, not so much the spelling and punctuation errors and the way capitalizing the beginnings of sentences seems to be considered optional.

Any story that actually includes "AN"s, or "author notes" are almost guaranteed to be terrible.

I thought it might be more helpful if I offered some advice rather than just a vague comment.

Sentence fragments can be effective literary tools when used very sparingly, but when you base your entire writing (especially something this large) on them it can be quite overwhelming to the reader. You should practice reading each sentence aloud to see if it makes sense on its own until you get the hang of it or better still ask someone else their opinion.

Mizal has a link on her profile to a fantastic grammar resource and, if you ask her nicely, she may be willing to give you specific writing tips as well.

If English isn't your native language, then I applaud your effort and suggest that you write your story in your own language and let the reader use whatever translation software they prefer. There are at least a couple of stories on CYS that aren't written in English and no one faults the author for that.

Anyway, good luck on your next project and happy writing!

Sorry. I read as much as I could, but this really needs a lot more effort put into it to make it readable.