Player Comments on A Graveyard Smash

Trainspotting with Ghosts

In this game you follow a young English bloke as he tries to come to grips with the loss of his parents, with the help of friends, family, or his new love, and of course alcohol.

Before I even start this review, let me say that the title made me expect a much more light-hearted shallower game. Indeed it is lighthearted and even shallow in some parts, but even in its bright moments there is still a sense of hopelessness in the air.

The game starts with a proper pub scene, and wow this scene is well written. I think I have been in this pub somewhere in London's east end. Brick lane maybe? I have talked to Hassan, or someone like him. This first scene was vivid.

I really liked how well the characters and dialogue are written. Though the voices of the characters could be a bit stronger. The protagonist is a 30-year old guy who lives on his sister's couch, does a lot of drugs and alcohol and doesn't seem to have achieved much in his life. You'd think his dialog would be a bit grittier than the average kid from imperial college. I am probably being unfair here because I can't resist the temptation of comparing the story to Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting, and I was really hoping the Welsh characters would have a proper west-country accent.

The game does some things in an interesting way: It is narrated in first person, but in an unusual way that I don't want to spoil. So the narration becomes an actual dialogue between two characters in the story. And it's a nice twist when the reader realizes what is going on there. It is a show of skill to pull this off as well as it is done here, but at the same time it does not quite work 100%. While reading, a part of my brain kept insisting that I am reading a monologue where one character narrates the events to another character, who is actually present the entire time. Somehow this makes the whole game an as-you-know-Bob dialogue. Still this was an interesting experience.

The branching is interesting as well. For the most part the story has a tree-like cave-of-time branching but in the end several branches lead to the same riddle, although the right answer depends on how we got there. I can imagine that this might not work so well for some people, but for me it did. In this way the whole story becomes an allegory on the different ways in which we can deal with grief.

The aspects that I did not like so much are plot and pacing. Regarding plot, what is the story really about? On an intellectual level we are told it is about grief, on a more guttural level I did not feel grief of the protagonist at all, he was concerned about the situation, but he didn't really seem capable of much grief due to the other issues in his life. Also some of the supernatural aspects that come up toward the end seem to take away from the gravity of the story. As a result there were almost two clashing narratives, the one is the story of the loser who still goes to the same parties, but now everyone there is ten years younger than him. This story was intense and visceral, but it did not really have a resolution. The other was the story about grief but I never really felt the suffocating weight of it, and while this story was resolved, the resolution was too light-hearted for such a weighty issue.

A more subtle aspect is pacing. This story does a very good job at getting away with bad pacing. This is because it is short and the scenes are all so well written that they are fun to read in their own right. And while every scene is thus brilliant, they are similar, and don't have a strong progression of story beats that would support a nice arc.

Of course I wouldn't even spend so much time writing about what could have been done better if the story had not done some things excellently as well. It was great fun spending some time with the protagonist and experiencing his wild screwed-up life. I think I will miss him a little. Well done! 7/8

I liked this one quite well. It exists right at the threshold where I can't decided between two scores. That will be decided once I explore the game more and learn more about its endings. I found three, and I think the author has done something a little clever. The cleverness though seems to be a substitute for real fledged out endings, which is a shame. Something which started so well should hardly be cobbled together in the end with shortcuts.

The dialogue was, I think, quite well written, and the characters were made distinct from one another using the dialogue. It's a lot easier to recommend a story when that's one of its strengths. The conversations in the first few pages actually take up a considerable percentage of the overall reading time. The story is much too short I'm afraid, to deliver on these characters. There has been clear care and attention paid to content and intent of every sentence.

The narrative beats don't play out reasonably enough for me. We are given some details as to how this happened, or at least why, but the rules of the world are left practically blank, and the central issues are hardly addressed. This is only one good chapter in a great book. The core issues aren't resolved and the characters usually end up quite the same as we found them. The obstacles before them were not suitably difficult to overcome.

A story is interesting usually because it changes the life and/or world of the characters within it, but these events have the ability to pass like the seasons, despite how incredible they are. I want so much more out of a story where I am haunting someone dear to me as described. What a smashing story idea.

It looks to me like you have five or six characters the author should be writing about more extensively to make this a stunning CYS. As it is, its a shadow of what it could be. Still, it leaves one hungry, and imaginative. These are good things! The writers voice is excellent here, and it's easy for the reader to fall right into such a well defined atmosphere.

General Recommendation: Highly recommended. A short fun game, particularly notable for the skill with which it is writing.
Preview: Can you help your parents pass on to the afterlife?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
Well, I really liked this game. However, there’s a strong chance that I liked it simply because its humor and writing style appeals specifically to me, and others might not have quite as positive a reaction.
Firstly, this story's greatest strength is simply the writing. It has an interesting plot and interesting characters, but it's the writing itself that really make these elements work their best. The interactions between the characters, and the narrator's thought process feel very natural and organic, something many games struggle with.
This story is absolutely dripping in atmosphere and character—fitting, for a story told on halloween. The narrator’s voice shines through from page one. Everything he says, does, and thinks further characterizes him. I’ve got a clear sense of his personality from page one, and he remains consistent throughout the story. Not only does his narration say a lot about him, it does an excellent job setting the story’s tone.
People who’ve read all of my reviews (if so, why?) will know that I’m a big fan of seeing the CYOA format used in creative ways. This story certainly does that, using the format to seperate the player and narrator to tell an original story. I always like to see a frame story done well, particularly a branching one.
Another thing I want to praise is the way background information is delivered, such as in the conversation between Emily and Harry on the way to the graveyard. The story of their parent’s death is delivered through dialogue, in a way that feels natural and unforced, and serves to simultaneously characterize the speakers.
I also want to praise the way the story handles humor. The humor is subtle and often character-based or dialogue-based. It adds to the story without calling attention to itself or distracting. I won’t say this story does humor better than other games, because it doesn’t. But it does have a different style of humor than many other games on this site, and it happens to be a style that I subjectively like more.
The only real complaint I have about this game is its length and complexity. It seems short, feels like it ends abruptly, and the resolution seems too simple for the setup—it explicitly doesn’t answer all the questions raised, and leaves the reader still wondering about certain elements. It would have been cool to see some of these intriguing ideas addressed with greater detail, clarity, and scope. That said, when my only complaint is “I want more”, that may as well be a compliment.

Specific notes:
-Good intro. Within the first 3 or 4 lines, I already have a basic sense of the three characters.
-Lol: “If anyone asks, I’m etermined to claim it’s a political commentary about humanity.”
-The second-hand storytelling here is well done, communicating the story easily, but also making it sound like a natural and unforced conversation.
-This is original, I’ve got to say. The first page has already demonstrated writing skill, and introduced a plotline I’ve never read anything like before. Promising. I’m intrigued and invested.
-Damn! Now we’ve got a unique framing device! Taking unique advantage of the CYOA format to do original storytelling! Sweet!
-These characters are on so many drugs I’m frankly not surprised they’re seeing ghosts.
-I’m not entirely sure I buy the explanation that the siblings’ grief is what’s keeping the ghosts here. After all, everyone mourns their relatives. But I can accept that it’s being used as a device to set up the story. That, or a clue.
-The priest seems more trustworthy, but I not sure I trust him to act in Harry’s parent’s best interest. Psychic it is.
-Sweet, riddle contest! EDIT: I’m not sure why the correct answer was the correct answer. Technically, many of the things listed as answers could fit the bill. EDIT: No wait, this is actually really clever. The answer changes depending on which path you took to get there. It’s a personal answer, not an objective one. That's a really nice touch.
-The ending feels a little abrupt.
-The priest’s dialogue seems a little stilted, though that may be deilberate.
-Lol, “The power of christ compells you.”
-I actually really like that one of the endings is just “get therapy” and it instantly solves all your problems in an extremely anticlimactic manner. My first thought on hearing that the parents were stuck because of the children’s grief was that they needed to emotionally move on to fix it, and it’s amusing to know that actually worked. It also makes sense that not much attention is devoted to this path—an uneventful journey to emotional maturity doesn’t make for interesting storytelling. The ending with Natalie is similar.
-Lol. Something’s hopping in the state of Denmark.

Grammar:
Very good.
“Affect”, not “effect.”
Mastery of Language:
Very good. The sentences flow together naturally, facilitating an ease of reading, and quickly drawing the reader in.
You’re particularly good at dialogue language. It sounds natural and unforced.
I’m reminded of the quote “If you do everything right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” This is quite true of mastery of language. Poor language is noticable and obvious, calling attentino to itself. Good language is smooth and quick, and instead of pulling the reader out of the story to focus on the words, it instead smoothly pulls them into the narrative so they almost don’t notice what they’re actually reading. This story does that well.
In sum: This is a story that feels like it’s mastered the principle of show-don’t-tell. It shows where it needs to, and tells where it needs to, and overall communicates very well with the reader.

Branching:
Quite good.

Player options/Fair choice:
Particularly good, there’s a lot of branching in this story, so each choice is for the most part fully fleshed out.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I failed the riddle contest a few times, and then got the ending where the psychic helps your parents pass on (via the “visit the graveyard tonight” route).

CONCLUSION: 7/8. This is a bit to short and leaves a few too many unanswered questions for an 8/8 rating, but I quite enjoyed it.

You’re an Emo Harry! Ok, let’s deal with a little grief and pain. I don’t want you to take this personally or anything but I hated “The Monster Mash”. :D I also don’t like my friends very much. Hey ho, to the graveyard I go and I think my guy might have a few mental issues as he’s talking to a little ghost on his shoulder (either that or we’re in a Disney movie). Emily is a good sis. God, even the dead ghost of my mum is telling me to cheer up. I like that my options are banish ghost parents, talk to them (again) or call someone who busts ghosts (must be a name for that…). Why mention the third option if you’re just going to take it away?

Obviously, the girl who wanders about in her underwear sounds like a more interesting choice than a priest (just in case he’s doing the same thing) so let’s go with the psychic option even though ghost mother told me exactly what I need to do (lighten up). Oh crap, now there’s a Demon Lord involved as well? I hope the psychic isn’t going to charge me extra. And he does riddles, might as well just drag me to hell now. And boom, he does that thing to me that happened to the bad guy in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. That was unfortunate.

I want to see how this ends so I backtrack and try all the answers, the correct one is really random (and arguably the same as the one I picked, Love). The ending is a bit random too, we vanish? Ok. Er, so… yeah. Looks like Hassan had the best time out of all of us in the end then? The writing was great, very strong though with some slight text walls. There was a bit of a lack of choices and despite the word count there wasn’t really a huge amount to the story. It was an interesting, if slightly random, read and I liked the chemistry between the two main characters but it never felt exactly realistic to me, though it probably wasn’t meant to be. A fun enough read I guess? 5/8

I fear as though there won’t be much depth to my review because there was not much depth to the storygame, despite playing through it a few times. The point of view is a little confusing at times, given you are presented as playing both Harry and Harry’s miniature ghostly dad resting on his shoulder. I played through a few times to try to get a better understanding of what was going on, but not many questions were answered. I was able to meet the Demon trapping Harry’s mom to her grave, but there was only one correct answer to his riddle every time, although the riddle’s answer changed as you chose a different path to get to him each time. I was able to eventually find out that Harry’s parents died in a car accident, but there was no real reason to explain why his mom was trapped to her grave. Demon guy claims he did it, but the “why” was never exposed. Thankfully, there was a reason given as to why Harry’s dad was perched on Harry’s shoulder, although it didn’t add much clarity to the storyline.

The dialogue between the characters was decent enough, but their descriptions were extremely lacking. Attention lies in the details, and unfortunately, there were none. I feel as though more elaboration and more attention to the backstory would be beneficial to this storygame. The grammar was decent as well. More grammatical errors than I would personally like, and the sentence structures rarely varied. Seemed more “beginner level writing” than some of the other authors’ works on this site. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt because this storygame was created in 2022, so hopefully Ben’s writings have improved with time. The story idea itself was phenomenal and definitely could have been built up and gone far, but it fell flat here. I would love to see this storygame rewritten with more depth and detail so we as readers could see where it would go and truly enjoy the concept that this author was trying to bring to the table.

All in all, if you’re looking for a simple, straight-forward, easy to read storygame, then this one fits the bill.