Player Comments on Adrift for SMS
Ok, starting out on page one, I see I’m the protagonist. Very well. I get that I’m stranded, but I think the description on the first page could have a little more to it. I see the jungle – but am I on the beach? I see the sunrise, but I guess I could be on a rocky beach…oh wait, it’s there, but much later in the intro. Personally I think the description there could be more useful and more effective if it were to start in close and work it’s way out: describe what I’m feeling nearest first, then work out from there. Perhaps I’m lying on hot sand? I like much of the descriptions, just if I’m the star, I would think close up should be first.
I like the descriptions on the “Explore” page. I briefly wondered why I have to explore the jungle. I get that you can only have so many options, but perhaps an option here would be to find a way to “force” me into the jungle. Maybe there’s huge rock cliffs in other directions. Maybe there’s massive waves crashing into land. It’s just that my first thought to explore was to head up the beach, but when I chose that option, I was exploring the jungle. Nice reminder of what I’m looking for, I liked that.
I like the options, and the idea that the options have an effect on the story. I like that I have the choice to go back when it suddenly gets cold. Wait, where am I that it gets cold? I thought I was on a tropical island. Wait, where did I get a flashlight? That seems rather sudden. Very minor point: on page “Save for Later” it says “You dodge tree’s…” and I think that should be “You dodge trees…”
Good options and choices, though I think some descriptions could be more detailed and advanced. I did feel like I was in the story throughout. I like the options and choices. It was a little odd when the flare all of a sudden on my raft that I just made. I never did trust those berries, and apparently that was the best option because it told me I won! Thank you for a nice story, well-written with good choices and options.
on 5/1/2018 9:49:29 PM with a score of 0
This was a fun little survival story. I liked it on the surface, but as usual, I have a few gripes:
Your grammar was sub-par. You used broken English, switched between tenses, misspelled a few words, and other technical errors. Some proof-reading would greatly help you there. Another issue is the way you wrote. Giving your info in one big lump of text is annoying to read. It makes it hard to take information, and doesn't give the story any personality. I can forgive you for not having any dialogue, because you're alone, but try to use paragraphs.
The story was solid. You used a classic survival story. It wasn't bad, but it was overused. I'm not really in a place to say this because I do zombie stories, but I try to add something new. Maybe put a twist in the story. What is the island is magic? What if you discover some animal unknown to science? Things like that could improve the general narrative.
I only found one story problem: When you're in the cave, I collected materials via a link, and got teleported to the forest outside. Just a small issue, but it didn't detract anything.
Overall, not bad. It could use some work, though. Hopefully you'll write more, because I liked this.
on 2/27/2018 9:28:01 PM with a score of 0
— marco on 11/24/2018 7:17:09 PM with a score of 0
For a middle school writing project, this was actually a rather decent story. There were a few grammar mistakes here and there, but nothing too glaring. The story itself was a bit linear, and there were a few contradictions. For one. I was told that my choices were either to stay out in the freezing cold or enter the cave, but when I did go inside, it said "Of all the places on this scorching hot island, you've ended up in this freezing cold cave!"
It was not at all difficult, but seeing as the story is rated at a "2" difficulty level, that isn't much of an issue. I would definitely encourage you to keep writing!
on 2/27/2018 4:00:18 PM with a score of 0