Player Comments on He Loves Me Not

i don't know that this could even count as a story. far as i can tell, it looks like you just wanted to understand how making something on this site would work? so, at the very least, good on you for figuring that out!

still, you probably shouldn't have published what is essentially practice. it's not really an enjoyable experience for the reader. i'm sure you did it in good faith, but, still. sorry!

Just getting my point before this is removed.

The first page reads like the set up to a logic puzzle, which, quite honestly would have been more entertaining to read.

Two people ate a pizza. Then they went home. There wasn't a single personality trait between them and nothing else happened. The end.

First of all, this seemed like more of a test of the CYOA system than an actual story. It didn't go into depth about character personality, backstory, or any personal details. It was vapid and lacked detail or any thrill to the story, and, I hate to just tell someone this straightforwardly, but it was bad. It just was bad. There was no plot whatsoever. Please continue to work on your story writing. Good luck.

This is bad. What can I say? It's just plain ol' bad. The flow is bad because the writing is so short and choppy that it's like have a bullet to the brain just reading it, and also the paths? Things just happen? Because...uh...? Yeah, just, like, throw everything you know about writing and start again.

Hell...

Absolutely NOTHING to attract interest in readers. Declan hiding under the table the whole time while not getting noticed? Seriously, man, ending the story without so much as a half-assed conclusion to the events? Oh, I could go on and on and on about the hodgepodge of shortcomings your story has to offer.

I don't see anywhere of improving on this storygame, so next time, please consider not making your storygames mere toilets to poop on.

2/8.

This was just plain awful.

First, can you stop. Writing. Everything. In staccato? Would it kill you to write with compound sentences?
"Lucas and Lily have known each other since middle school. Lucas and Declan have known each other since first grade. Lucas and Lily are lovers. Declan and Lucas are best friends. Declan doesn't like Lily..." This is from the first page. Pretty much the entire story is written like this.

Second, the story itself and its choices are just awful. I mean, seriously? You got completely lazy and pretty much just ended the story if the reader decided to eat at Pizzeria Uno. Give me damn break - an asteroid smashed into the Earth because I didn't give the waiter a tip!? That's unbelievably stupid and lazy writing. Lucas faints at sight of the color red "because he is a big baby" and the story ends right there? Stop using "LOL SO RANDOM" endings to provide the illusion of choice to your storygame. The awfully clunky writing, which made everything extremely hard to read, didn't help one bit.

Please spend more time polishing and fleshing out your games before publishing them. I have to give this one a 1/8 - just an awful waste of your time.