Player Comments on The Journey of Seamus Dregg
Intro: I will start by saying I like this story. It has a lot of potential. Unfortunately there are many things wrong with it I must highlight. However let it be known that there are much worse stories out there and yours is by no means the worst. I sincerely hope that you continue writing storygames for me to read in the future. If there is one thing you take away from this if you don’t want to read my review is that your story is very liner. That is the major fault of this story.
Concept: The concept is good. I especially like the pirate theme, as I have not seen as many stories go for that type of theme. One thing I did not like about the story however is the repetitiveness. The game mainly boils down to going to landmarks and seeing what you can find.
Plot: Now the plot is lacking, which is a shame because it is the main focus of any story. You can make a compelling concept, with fleshed out characters, though if you have a poor plot your going to struggle to produce anything good.
It starts off with you going to look for your crew. While this is not bad it could be a lot better. For example you could be able to look for them by checking rooms in the inn.
Next you encounter an enemy ship and pick a course of action. The action determines if you have to fight them or get to skip it. While I like this my one major complaint is that for one of the options you can choose the outcome. It may just be me but that kind of defeats the purpose.
After that you come across an island that you can explore. This is one of my favorite parts because you can skip it or open up the closest thing you have to a branch in the story. The only thing I see wrong with this section is the fact that if you head back sober you can’t find the ship, but if you go the next day with a hangover you make it back. It could be the fact that sunlight helps you but I’m still not sure.
After this you find a island that your not able to dock at. If you try you die. While it is short there is not much wrong here. You get a proper warning in advance so it did not come out of nowhere.
After this you come across a bigger ship that turns out to be the ship of an old friend. If you took your time to explore the island you would be able to spare him and go on your way, but if you didn’t you would have to kill him. I have no complaints here besides I would like the option to have a backstory page explaining the two captains pasts.
Lastly you finally make it to the treasure island. I like the riddle, though it is a little easy giving the options. Also there should be repercussions for picking the wrong choice. You could have started digging in the wrong place, and while wasting your time a tribe of natives ambushes you and kills you.
Characters: The characters were on of my major complaints of the story. Only two characters have name. Those are the protagonist and his old friend. The thing is we have no idea anything about these people’s pasts, and such can not be invested into them. If you would have simply put more descriptions or wrote up optional backstory pages for them that would be great. If the crew had names we would also be able to care about them a lot more. We got a glimpse of their lives when you kill the old friend, but all that does is leave the reader with more questions.
Structure: While it was liner there were parts where it bottlenecked so I can’t say it was exactly liner. The one thing in your favor in this section is the fact that you can use the supplies you get to spare the friend.
Word count: 2.4k words. It’s an okay word count but if you want to make a decent storygame the general accepted bare minimum is around 5k
Spelling and grammar: This was actually not that bad. I did not notice any mistakes myself.
In conclusion: The storygame is okay. It’s not exactly worthy of a 4 but I’m rating it that anyway. It definitely better than a 3. As I said before I hope you go on and make more storygames on this site. If you will take this to heart and add more details you could make a fairly good storygame for the site to see.
on 5/22/2019 10:05:18 PM with a score of 0
I am ready to join Seamus and his pirate ship! Oh, wait, I AM Seamus. Minor issue there, but the intro suggests I will be reading about Seamus, but when the story starts, I am Seamus. Not a big deal, as I am still ready to BE Seamus and find the treasure! I like the setup and the feel of adventure, even the “fetch yer crew” link on the very first page. It was quite funny that I start by losing my entire crew. Surely at least the cabin boy would have stayed behind. Maybe a guard or two to keep stowaways off the ship?
While when I first saw the options, I knew good and well where I was going to find my pirate crew, the other options were kind of disappointing with just a one line to let me know I’d made the wrong choice. In that case, why even have a choice at all if they all lead to nowhere? At the very least, those pages could be longer and full of rich detail describing the place I’m going to visit. It could include all the people who are there that are NOT my crew. Heck, they might even fear me or want to throw me out since I’m a pirate and all.
The next few pages all had a few words and one link. I don’t see the point in doing this, as the scene didn’t really change, and there didn’t seem to be any reason for a new page. Why not combine all those into one page with the options at the end of the single page? It was nice to be following the map to the treasure, but I think this is an area that really could be expanded to include all kinds of new and great information. What are the landmarks? Are they hard to find? Are they silly landmarks? Are they boring landmarks?
It was a nice little story with lots and lots of potential. I think if descriptions were added throughout, this could really be quite an engaging story. Thank you for sharing it with the site.
on 6/27/2018 1:19:19 PM with a score of 0
Okay, I originally have this a 2/8, but, after rereading it for this review, I changed it to a 4/8. The writing wasn't the strongest nor was the story non-linear (meaning multiple long branches of storyline); however, the sense of adventure was rather prevalent throughout. With a little more praxtice, your stories could become more popular here. Nonetheless, I will make fun of a few aspects of the game since I found them to be unintentionally amusing. (This is also not serious.)
"Your entire crew seems to be missing."
I'd like to know how Seamus lost track of them in the first place. Did he wake up one morning to find that the entire crew is gone? I would thought that at least ' be of them would've told him that they were going into town.
<Check the docks> "arrr".
All I can hear him is saying (d)arrr(n).
"Even the bartender was unconscious begging the counter"
You missed the period. Also, since you did not mention why the bartender was unconscious, I can only imagine some of the crew beat the tar out of him for some free booze.
Everything with the pirate ships was mostly wrong as well. Pirates operated in sloops due to their many benefits (such as speed). Pirates pig the Caribbean lies to us. Also, how was the crew plugging the holes? Did the crew bring along planks of wood just in case this happened, or is the crew ripping out wood from other parts of the ship?
You also keep on mentioning how the crew is bored from the open sea; however, Seamus is navigating using landmarks. Since land does not occur in open waters, I am wondering how this can occur. Personally, I imagine the crew navigating using the stars.
"You pull up the the emerald green pirate ship."
Why is the ship green? I hope it isn't mold or a severe alge buildup. I know it's supposed to represent their sick state of mind, but painting a ship green seems to be unnecessarily expensive.
Anyway, I would like to see more from you, but I do suggest minimizing any logical errors in your writing. :)
on 4/11/2017 10:43:01 AM with a score of 0
WHAT EVEN IS DIS
on 2/14/2018 4:04:59 PM with a score of 0
Now i want to Play AC: Black Flag...
on 7/11/2017 5:31:47 AM with a score of 0
Enjoyed this one. Really echoes the old choose your own adventure books. It might lack the deeper plot that some may be looking for but as a casual game this is on point.
on 4/11/2017 12:56:24 AM with a score of 0
Arr I be a true captain now laddy.
on 4/3/2017 9:46:52 AM with a score of 0