Player Comments on The+wolf

I’m glad you’re trying to make a start with your writing journey!
It seems you’ve read some of the stories on the site, so I’m confused as to how we got to this point.
There are options in your story, but all of them lead to instant death unless you stay on the one true path. This makes it truly linear and not much of a choose your story at all. Also, the stats don’t change much and are altogether useless.
This is an incomplete story. There’s this little pop up before you publish that specifically says that’s not allowed.
If you wanna read some stories built on a similar premise as this one (but done much, much better), I’d suggest Alpha Wolf by EndMaster, It’s A Boy by Darius Conwright, or potentially Little Red Riding Hood by kallycat.
Keep writing! Just… use the shift button, and try to tell a whole story with your words.

In my previous review, I mentioned articles for you to read. Here are some more:

"Beginner's Guide to chooseyourstory.com" by Shadowdrake27.

"A primer on writing your first Storygame" by StrykerL

And finally, probably the most important article, read "Minimum Site Standards for Storygames" by JJJ-thebanisher. If you read the article, you will find out why I said that your game does not meet minimum site standards

There are many issues with this story that not only make me dislike the story, but also make it hard for me to even read the story. The first issue is it’s not a story. It’s a loosely fragmented collection of random thoughts and ideas that do not coalesce into anything meaningful. What you just wrote isn’t remotely close to a story, yet. This “story” will be taken down because it doesn’t meet minimum site standards, but before it does, I want to leave this review up so maybe if you try again you could actually write a story. This review will show you where you went wrong, and you can attempt to remedy this, maybe even make it a decent game in the future. Just take everything I say in a positive way, because a lot of these are easy fixes.

First off, there’s really not much there. When writing a story, you should tell us a bit about the background, the various characters, anything. Your first page is simply “your family has the reputation as the bad wolf but you’re not sure you want to be bad like them or ugly”. There’s also some problems with punctuation and grammar. How can the entire family have the reputation “as the bad wolf”, do you mean “as bad wolves?” And where did the ugly thing even come from?

Some more grammar and spelling issues: “now your the rudest ugliest female wolf” should be “now you’re the rudest ugliest female wolf”, “you were to ugly and rude to him” should be “you were too ugly and rude to him”. You have a run on sentence here: “you have been with them for a year, now your the rudest ugliest female wolf out there your family proud but when you found your mate you were to ugly and rude to him so you rejected him and as you grow old you started to wish you were nicer at least nice enough your mate wanted you”. There isn’t a single period anywhere in that sentence, and errors like these will automatically turn off the reader.” These aren’t even all the errors in the story. The errors aren’t even that uncommon, this story is rushed and sloppily written, without having a clear direction of what it wants to do or what it wants to say.

You could instead show the neighbors shunning the family, or maybe the family doing something wrong. Then through dialogue or internal monologue you could show how our main character disagrees or wants to prove them wrong. But you have to write it, you can’t just say “xyz” happened and then move on.

Rather than simply just telling us this, and making us click the continue button, show this exact sentence through character interactions. This is a clear case of show don’t tell.

The whole point of writing is to create a world, and have the character immersed in it, there’s no immersion here. The use of variables also doesn’t add anything to the story. I can see where you were going with it, but as of now, the use of variables does not add anything to this story.

You can still fix all the issues I’ve mentioned, just unpublish the story, and rewrite it, this time writing an actual story. It seems like you are new to this site and to writing in general, so click the “Help and Info” tab on the sidebar of this site, and you will find several articles about the writing process. These articles were written by successful authors who have created multiple amazing storygames. Come back and write your story only after you read and fully understood the contents of the articles.

Here are some articles you could start with: Basic Sentence Structure by Gower, Choose-Your-Own-Stories, Paths, and Writing by Ogre11, and Introduction to Grammar by JefferyJabs. After that, you can move on to some of the more advanced articles, but don't write the story until you've read all the articles in the Storywriting category.