Player Comments on Unforgiven

There are some good ideas here, buried in a sea of poor pacing and incomprehensible characterization.
The protagonist's complete lack of reaction to Hayley's revelation leaves me confused as to whether he knew that information about himself all along and simply forgot about it, or if he's just a cardboard zombie with no emotions. I don't feel anything about the ending, because I don't really know anything about the characters as people.
This could be a decent story if it had more description, more scene-setting, and more clearly defined characters.

This is pretty short for a fantasy adventure. The main characters aren't developed enough, the integration of fantasy is rushed and confusing, and the plot twist in the end didn't even make me feel bad for any of them. The story needs more plot. One thing that I did like was the visuals. The pictures of the school represented the setting very well. The ending pictures were a little disappointing.

Yeah, I mean the twist was kind of out of left field, but it was short and sweet

...That was weird, but I'll give it a 6 anyway

The execution of this piece is YA in nature, which caters towards the audience it is targeting. The concept of the Sanctified and the Unforgiven proves to be at least noteworthy, albeit a bit shonen-anime to me - superpowers that can be absorbed seems to lend itself to a few godlike figures that could tear through a population.
With that being said, the entire story was FISTED down the throat of the reader, with the Haylie literally telling the narrator the bounds of the world within two pages (if that). Furthermore, this story felt tremendously linear, only allowing for a few branching options right towards the end. If this were to become a series, then perhaps this could be capitalized upon, but as of now, the story is unsuccessful.

Yikes. Poor quality overall. The plot didn't make sense - things are revealed too quickly, so the story progresses in a sort of "jolting" fashion. Explanations are just dropped in without time for the MC to understand. Because of the extremely fast pacing, I didn't connect with any of the characters, which made this difficult to enjoy.

Nice story, but its confusing

The story was very linear, but then again, linear is my style, so I can't judge too much on that. However, it's a small story, and I felt as though it had great potential. However, it seemed as though none of the choices mattered, even the ones at the end. I mean, Sanctified and Unforgiven? Those would make a great battle. But you instead made it to where two choices later, it's the end. If you could have added more pages and a bigger plot, then I would think it would be better.

Oh my gosh everything happened so quickly. Even a little bit of development would be better than plunging in like that once Dylan finds out the ~thing~. It's a creative idea and could be a really cool story with some work.

Pretty good...

It was a fantastic concept but as already slightly mentioned the pictures were a bit too much towards the end and it was very quick paced.

Cool, sequeal please

I feel as if this story could have used more details, and a sequel, because I really did enjoy this game. 5/8

Please make another chapter of this.

Overall it is a good story idea, but the climax is practically the third page. I like the idea but it could use more work.

I didn't die.

I know you must enjoy putting pictures on every single page, but somehow that reminds me of a kids story. I know this has a maturity rating that it IS a kids story but only storybooks have actual pictures on every single page. Even stories like Harry Potter which may seem like teenage books don't have any pictures at all. I was reading Harry Potter at the age of nine and still enjoyed it as much as I do now. And sure, I may be good at reading but I still could read it fluently. Even eight year old girls were reading books with no pictures in my class. So just please don't add as many pictures in your stories and I should give a higher rating. Good luck writing!

when will the next one come out?

Great premise but could have been longer. Seems more like an intro than a full story

@Jihelu Yes. Just yes.

i don't get what haylie said "now for my fire."

So when does harry figure out hes a wizard.

Cool camdot.