Player Comments on Final Destination 3 (draft 2)

It's another generic storygame that's far too short to include anything worthwhile, only to promise me a continuation of something that probably won't be written. Also, you shouldn't put out drafts. I mean, it has potential, but still...

Okay have you ever seen FD 3 there are 2 Ashleys and please don't critisize too hard this is my first storygame

Poor Ashley died twice on the same page.

I have to say I'm disappointed. If you were going to do a fan fiction of the final destination concept, why not have fun with it and slowly murder your characters in the most inventive and awesome ways possible? Why brand your story in the likes of the 3rd film? There are so many possibilities, but this is over before it starts. The story could be a decent one, if more effort was put in. But you have a great deal of grammar issues in even this small chunk of writing.

Ok.
1) This is direct plagiarism of a not particularly good movie (if I were you I'd have copied the first film, the concept was original back then).
2) The grammar, punctuation and spelling need... improvement.
3) Some of the options don't make much sense, I'm not to sure what I can scream and fight on a roller coaster ride and pushing up the bar mid-ride is never a great idea.
4) The story is far too short, in fact it's basically a scene. If you did about say another ten scenes you could put them together and call them a story. Some writers do that, the special name for them is Popular Authors.
5) The one good thing is that you have multiple choice options and different endings, this is good. But what would be better is to have a string of ten or so of these scenes where the reader might die if he makes the wrong choice or different choices lead to different scenarios. Duplicate this by ten and make it ten times as long and you will have a decent little story game worth a 4/8 or even a 5/8 if the writing is good and mistake-free.