Player Comments on Finding A Suitor
The writing is solid, but the game requires a large suspension of disbelief when it comes to historical details. For example:
- In 1821, the common dress waist was still empire, though fashion was slowly changing. By the end of the decade a strongly corseted red dress with a wide skirt would have been the height of fashion, but definitely not in 1821 where flowy empire gowns and pastels were more common.
- At a ball, the parents would never abandon their child that soon. She would have been introduced to their friends, and probably sat near them. They would be the ones to introduce her to any gentleman, or perhaps a friend of the gentleman that she had already been introduced to. A man introducing himself (like Charles did) would be innapropriate.
- At a ball, the woman would have a dance card. It wouldn't be appropriate to dance with the same man more than two or three times - even if they were engaged or married.
- For an unengaged woman to let a man kiss her at an event would risk a ruined reputation where no man would marry her. The option that *should* have led to Rose being an old maid would be letting Charles kiss her, not refusing him.
Just a bit more research would help this feel more authentic and the consequences be more realistic.
on 3/1/2020 3:10:57 PM with a score of 0
Okay, this story was short and fairly nice. Given the story length, I liked the characterization, though it could have been expanded if the story was longer.
I think I found all the endings? There were four, I hope. I know little to nothing about the Georgian Era in England barring some industrialization, so I'm not looking to see if this is historically accurate.
Okay, so the ending I got first was the Earl ending, where Rose and the Earl get together with one kid and live happily ever after. It's fairly cute. I think, considering the Earl's personality, that maybe they should have had talked a bit more and cemented knowing each other, but this is all happening in one night so I'll let it slide.
Second one was with Charles (Charlie, I don't remember his name), who ends up cheating on you if you get his ending. I was kind of disappointed in this one? I would have liked more signs that it might have ended up like this. Maybe Charles is always looking at some other girls while you talk, or he says something that might trigger some red flags.
John ending was nice too, although the confrontation with his ex was surprising. I feel like there could have been more done with him, but as he is currently is fine.
I'm also kind of disappointed in the Rose alone ending. Maybe instead of dying bitter and alone, she could try finding love that's not necessarily romantic? Orphanages, adoption, or just talking with maids and butlers.
Grammar and punctuation were great, very solid. A couple of sentences didn't sound right, but they weren't very noticeable.
Your use of the editor is very seamless, and I didn't find any faults with it.
I think there should have been more time with Amelie. I liked her. I liked her a lot. Maybe another girl, friend or love interest or sister or otherwise, could have been someone Rose could have spent time with (it'd also change up the Rose alone ending, because that girl seems like she'd have a lot of friends).
Ultimately rating this a 4 for the endings and story length, though for your first game it's really good! It's says you're a historical fiction fan, so I hope to see more from you in the future. ;)
on 2/3/2020 8:01:57 AM with a score of 0
I was hooked by the sweet lovey-dovey things. I am such a sucker for that. Please make moaarr!!
on 4/1/2020 8:36:06 AM with a score of 0
its good but can you add more choices
-- rose mata on 3/30/2020 4:13:30 PM with a score of 0
I liked it! It’s a nice short story. I kinda wished you could have made it a little longer or continuing the story after the ball but it was still a good story. Nice job for your first try! 4.5/8
on 3/25/2020 2:09:57 PM with a score of 0
Wow, I’m at awe at how mesmerizing this story was. To think this was your first ever story game, your potential is amazing. Personally, this story’s potential is amazing too. First thing’s first, I want to give credit where credit is due this story was good, it was nice and short, so anyone who wants a quick little story to read, this is the one for you. It has excellent writing and very enrapturing imagery, and it sets the mood so well to the point that it’s creepily good. I was not expecting this story to be decent, especially from the title. Still, I read two reviews before I actually read it, and everyone else seemed to like it, so I was like, why not. Thankfully I was not disappointed. This was really, really good for a first story game. I felt like I was the main character in the moment talking to all those people; it was honestly genuinely enrapturing.
Now let’s get to some of the criticism first is the title, I ain’t gonna lie when I saw this title the first thing that came to mind was “not another one of these” what I mean by that is that your title is boring bland. It seems like I’m about to read a simulation or a game more than an actual story. Let me make an analogy so that you can relate to what I’m saying.
Imagine a random guy named Bob; Bob is new to the car-making business, so nobody knows who he is. This also means he has no credibility for making cars. Still, he claims to have made the greatest, fastest, most luxurious, most affordable car ever. No one wants to buy the car already because the guy has no credibility, but a random stupid person decides to take the risk. They ask for the name of the vehicle, and the guy says it’s the poopsmobile333, and the customer has to pay before actually even seeing the car.
No one absolutely no one, not even the most gullible people are stupid enough actually to listen to Bob. Are going to want to pay for the poopsmobile333.
Bob may be a car making genius, and his car may actually live up to his claims, but no one is going to buy it.
Car dealer’s like Lamborghini and Ferrari set the mood of the car immediately the name’s sound sleek and exquisite, just like the car, every type of successful business uses this technique. Restaurants, spa’s, dealerships, (besides the ones that rip of poor people dollar tree, Walmart, etc.)
If you immediately set the mood and feeling of the story through the title, then almost always, your story will automatically be over a 2/10.
Now to explain the analogy. In this analogy, you are Bob. You aren’t an Endmaster, Will11, or Shadowdrake (You should read their stories.) people that will automatically get reviews if they post a story game (although these people have already mastered the titling technique). You are a random noob from somewhere across the vast stretches of the internet. Automatically the CYS community is immediately wary of your story game, and it’s up to you to prove yourself to the few people who will actually take a leap of faith and waste five minutes of there precious time reading your story, but you put out a title that says something basic like “Life of a Cat.” “Finding the right suitor.” “Your Life As A Genetic Engineer.” That is a big blaring red sign to anyone with a brain to not read that story, (unless the rating is decent) the people on this site have had countless newbs pull-up with the most trash stories and title them “Life of ….” “Finding….” “A day in the life of ….” Basically, we’ve built a resistance to trash stories like the example’s I just gave you. If you look at the recent story games, I’m almost a hundred percent sure that stories with creative and more enticing titles get more reviews.
Overall the moral of the story is that if you want a story game or honestly any product you produce to succeed, you have to sell your product. Give it some pizzaz and jazz with a title like “The Suitor.” not “Finding a Suitor” Something along those lines will work better than the eh title you had before.
Now onto the next subject grammar, eh 7/10. The grammar wasn’t terrible, but there were quite a few places where it was noticeable that you made a mistake. Sometimes you would get a little bit overly descriptive with your imagery and make something that could easily make sense with one word sound weird. Like with this example,
Amélie smiled with real pleasure and said
When you put real pleasure, you make the reader wonder if Amélie was genuine this whole time and add on a lot of unnecessary burdens onto the reader. So make sure you don’t over-describe simple stuff sometimes, it’s okay not to be descriptive. You have to know the median between making something sound long, and describing something (Lol I feel like a hypocrite because I went on a 400-word rant about your title).
That was about it, though.
This is the last bone I have to pick with your story, and it’s the amount of non-effective choices. Although this is your first story game and the excitement of publishing it must have preceded, adding on extra storylines, it still was pretty noticeable that a lot of choices didn’t do anything. In the longer story’s I personally don’t mind because when it comes to longer stories, details do matter. Still, for shorter stories having choices that do nothing is noticeable and sometimes can leave a bittersweet feeling. The reader might have been wondering what happens when you choose this just to be disappointed with the same page.
Um, that’s about it I will say my rating is a bit biased; I’m an absolute sucker for love stories, and you used an original format (forbidden love) and made it yours by making the parent’s love forbidden. So, I’m going to give it a 5 when I would usually give it a 4. There is just so much more you could have added to the story, and I know it’s your first story game, but it feels lackluster and empty; there’s just so much more you could’ve written about the story. If the length were longer and kept up the same quality it has right now, I probably would’ve given this story a 7.
You just did such a glamorous job with the imagery and setting the romantic sort of mood of the story, and it was really, really lovely, and it touched me. I personally very much enjoyed this story, and I wish you good luck with your future stories because you are definitely going to do great things on the site if you continue this path.
Just work on grammar a little and limit the imagery sometimes, put in more time and writing, and a genuine title that set’s the mood this is an easy 7
on 2/10/2020 1:02:09 PM with a score of 0
"Amélie winked at her daughter as she helped Rose sit up." Thought this was weird, but then realized this isn't written in the second person. Trying something not many do on your first storygame is a bold move, but a very good one.
"I always thought the red one brought the best color in you." This line is a bit wonky, I think "I've always thought red brings out the best in you." Would get the point across perfectly.
"but she had worn it several times before." Wamman problems, amirite bois.
"The older woman was wearing a dress of shimmery dark green satin, and her hair was done in an elegant French chignon." Also an aside and not really part of the review, she just HAD to one up her daughter smh
"Her color was high" unless acid was involved, writing something along the lines of "her dress was vibrant" or something
Ending the page with a comma and putting the dialogue in the link was cool. It seems you have an out of the box way of writing storygames, this is good and you should do this more. There are plenty of ways you can experiment with the editor and such, as you have probably already realized.
"Rose had been to smaller parties and fuctions before" I don't want to know what a fuction is :)
"but awkward silence reigned." Favorite line
Went to get punch instead of dancing at the dark library, can't even get some punch smh
"After Rose died the Carlisle Manor was passed to her cousin since she had no children." I enjoyed this ending, it was very amusing.
I think this is very good for your first attempt, and you have a lot of potential as a writer. So keep writing please.
on 2/1/2020 3:45:22 PM with a score of 0
This should be called The Boredom of the dress. As it is the only the game has. No really ball action, not political plotting barely any dance. You know your suitor say Hey, and BOOM the ending.
What is far far far worse and a sin. It is the terrible bad inaccuracies on the Victorian dressing and clothing. Same with the preparations.
If you want to write a HISTORICAL BALL READ WHAT A HISTORICAL BALL INCLUDED.
on 2/1/2020 3:03:00 PM with a score of 0