Player Comments on Mind Games

Okay, so I felt that to do this storygame justice, I should take notes now as I read. The first comments I have are much the same as other readers. Grammar is cluncky in places and the sentences sound like broken English in places. There is a mix of first person and second person, which is very jaring and keeps me from immersion. There is uneccessary spacing with commas and other punctuation following a word. The premise is good but the dialog with other characters that could make things interesting get glossed over and I am only reading action.

Moving on... This may be nit-picking but, aliens would not use the word 'infest' to describe taking over a host. It makes it sound like they are refering to themselves as vermin when they clearly have a superiority complex. I am now at the part where the protagonist is getting all the items from the people in the cage. Don't tell me what is going on! Show me! What kind of conversations is he having with them. What did he have to say to get the phone; was the kid having fun or drowning out his frear? What kind of item did the old woman have; does she have any regrets? How is it that he was able to aquire the suncreen from a woman who clearly needed it? Is it that the protagonist is that great of a charmer? This is an aspect of writing that is subtle and may take time to master, but really think about what is going on in everyone's head... even if you are doing a first person perspective!

Got the ending: Go home and warn Jack. I read this line: "You finish your story and watch TV with Jack" ...Thwack... That is the sound of me hitting my face with the palm of my hand. The protagonist had the time of is life and he is gonna chill and watch TV. What more should I say?

Now for looking at the storygame as a whole. It was put together quite well and your writting could improve with effort. Additionally, there is significant evidence you worked really hard on the item combining puzzle. But, your worldbuilding needs improvement. The alien designations such as A4 are interesting, but I would have liked a little more fleshing out there, like what does the designation given to the alien controling the hero mean? How is it that the one controlling Jared was able to get such a promotion for commendeering one slave (even if he might have been the first only ever human to escape)? Think about these things and your future works will be drastically better. Finally, it was short for this kind of scenario. The build up needed more time with the day-to-day of the character (like one more disicion or two before being infested). The entire motivations of the alien's agenda should also have not been dumped in one conversation. It would have been interesting to see how the main chacter's day-to-day life changed as a result of losing control. Once again, show, don't tell. And one more thing, the nature of the alien takeover should have taken longer, a gradual change without the character knowing would have been interesting. Good luck on your next storygame!
-- Shyshaeia on 1/12/2018 5:22:57 PM with a score of 70
I like the premise and the writing is fairly good. In a few places you fall away from second person which should be easily fixed. I struggled with the item combining, but the puzzle had a very good, old timey, point and click feel that I appreciate. I just wish that a few more paths were explored in the game.
-- Mynoris on 12/4/2017 5:14:28 PM with a score of 40
Very interesting game. How do we know if you are not one of them? ;)
-- TestingJest on 10/6/2016 2:07:44 AM with a score of 70
*you, not to lol*
-- corgi213 on 1/1/2016 11:02:52 AM with a score of 30
try to use the same point of view, you went from using to, and then I, and back to you again on page one.
Also jack is extremely pissy for no reason. There were a couple grammatical errors.
This was all the first page, after that I just picked random things until I got to end game and leave comments because I didn't want to read it anymore
-- corgi213 on 1/1/2016 11:01:53 AM with a score of 30
lots of grammar mistakes. good idea, not that great of execution.
-- Livgg on 9/29/2015 4:04:54 PM with a score of 20
i wanted a happier ending but this was really good
-- DarkentityOni on 11/8/2011 6:00:03 PM with a score of 20
This game was complicated but not a whole lot of fun. After the part where you combine items, there really isn't much to to the story. I would attempt to make it longer and more detailed, maybe give some of the combinations pictures. 4/8.
-- deadly_sinner66 on 5/24/2011 2:05:48 PM with a score of 100
Yeah, so this is all just a fairly direct ripoff of Animorphs. Disappointed by the lack of credit given to that series of books, this borders on plagiarism. I mean, literally, everything from the composition of the aliens to the way the aliens plan to take over to the way the aliens are numbered and ranked is taken directly from there. The technical aspects of the story were just terrible, you messed up tense and spelling on many occasions. The scope of the infestation and the personal level of dedication to infect me all made no sense.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 5/21/2011 4:08:13 AM with a score of 20
-- Alavander on 5/14/2011 5:54:12 PM with a score of 100
The only slight pity I have for this story is that it should have been longer. I feel that the ending was a little abrupt. A story with a great idea like this should be more developed. Nevertheless, a job well done! I would be looking forward to see more of your stories.

Btw, try not to put in spaces for your punctuations, it can get a little distracting.
-- Crefix on 5/7/2011 1:30:19 AM with a score of 100
I really liked the whole idea behind the story. Definitely better than your first one, in my opinion. For now, I will continue to explore more options to see if I had missed out any other parts of the story. I may come back to comment again. Oh, and I spent a long time trying to find a way to break through the bars... to a point where I actually randomly combined the items. Anyway, great job! I can really tell you put in a lot of effort!
-- Crefix on 5/7/2011 1:12:54 AM with a score of 50
-- ThisisBo on 5/6/2011 10:27:28 PM with a score of 10
i love it :)
-- alienalpha on 5/6/2011 8:28:41 PM with a score of 100
Finished it with what I think is the best ending? *SPOILER* I notice you had to use the knowledge on A4 to do something different once escaping from where you were in a cage, but wouldn't you already have had that knowledge of A4 regardless of your earlier actions? Or am I missing something?
-- October on 5/6/2011 4:25:47 PM with a score of 100
It wasn't a question of trickying, it was a needed . Even if he did know he wouldn't have a choice . I thought I made that obvious by explaining about absorbing the nutrients and stuff . It's their equavalent of eatting you see.
-- bradhal on 5/6/2011 3:58:52 PM with a score of 30
Again, your ideas and plot for your storygame are incredibly interesting, but your execution lets you down - namely the way you put sentences together. It's hard to explain, but in many places your sentences don't flow into each other.

Plot and storyline was great though - although it was annoying trying to combine items it was a very nice addition to the game and I like the effort you put into writing a description for EVERY combination, congratulations.

Also, just one minor problem with the story - when you trick the insectzilla inside of you to go and feed, wouldn't the insectzilla know you're trying to trick him (because he can read all your thoughts)?

Anyway, very fun to play, congrats on your second story.
-- October on 5/6/2011 3:55:30 PM with a score of 50
I liked it and you could see all the work put into it. The combining items was a bit tiring, but a fun challenge nontheless.
-- SindriV on 5/6/2011 3:22:38 PM with a score of 100
yet again testing
-- bradhal on 5/6/2011 12:41:48 PM with a score of 100
-- bradhal on 5/6/2011 12:23:50 PM with a score of 10
-- bradhal on 5/6/2011 12:15:01 PM with a score of 100
Close Window