Player Comments on Running
Okay, that was a fun little game to play. The grammar was superb and the writing was good as well.
In a story, there might be a problem/plothole you encounter whilst reading. This problem might be occuring frequently, and sometimes you can just ignore it and brush it off, but in this one, it was impossible to ignore. There are two of thse problems I faced here.
First off, Sarah is such a stupid idiot. And you can't look over this one, no, Sarah is either very stupid or is deaf. Her parents CLEARLY told her to "not open the door". WHY can't she just follow this rule? If she didn't open it and just went back to the stupid movie, none, and I mean NONE, of this would've happened. Why does she even bother to go to the door anyways? Can she not hear her parents' words? If your parents CLEARLY told you to not open the door, then why would you open it, let alone stand in fear before it. Just ignore it and go back to the movie! But no, for whatever reason, she feels as though she has to arm herself and then open the door, or either open the door with nothing to protect herself.
Although I can see why she would need to open the door in order to have the story go on, this was still a plothole. I'm not sure you can even do anything about it, since this whole storygame revolves around her being the stupid deaf person that she is and opening the door. It seems to me like a common cliche you were trying to use, like something out of a bad horror flick.
The second one was the deal with the criminal. Who is he? In one ending, he takes Sarah away in a van and she "is never seen again". In the ending(s) where she calls the police at the neighbor's house, all that happens is the guy being taken away. We don't even get to, or have the chance to learn anything about him. In the next passage we learn he has a gun. And in the next, he is referred to as a "burglar".
"noun - a person who commits burglary. synonyms: robber, housebreaker, cat burglar, thief, raider, looter, safecracker, intruder, prowler;"
-Google. Keywords: Define Burglar
So make up your mind, Dearest Author. What is he? A predator? A burglar? A prowler? Some sort of deranged psycopath? If we got some more backstory about him, and more than "He took Sarah in his van, she is never seen again" that would be really convenient. I felt the mystery of this strange person to be a large plothole.
Or maybe he really doesn't need a backstory at all, maybe you should just stop referring him as different things, and changing him around from one passage to the next. EXAMPLE: In one passage he kills her, the next he puts her in a van. This type of thing needs to go bye-bye, and we either have the van or the kill.
Lastly (and this is out of the "no ignore" category) if the author could use descriptive language to paint the scenery in the reader's mind, that would help as well. You could write very good, but unless you have descriptive language thrown SOMEWHERE around there to paint images of various scenes in the reader's mind, than it is still bad and needs work. EXAMPLE: I played through this whole thing for roughly 20 minutes, and got mulitple endings. Yet, I still have no clue how the criminal/burglar/preadtor/prowler/housebreaker/thief/drunk teenager/etc looks like. He could be black, he could be white, he could be tall, he could be slight. We need some descriptivity.
I give this a 5/8.
Please, correct the changes needed in this story, and I thank you in advnace.
P.S. What does "running" have to do with the story at all. As far as I know, the only time Sarah ran was when she had to get to the neighbors.
-- Fazz on 8/4/2014 1:30:57 AM with a score of 0
Awesome Does Not Approve (With Sympathy)
Now, I don't see why everyone is hating on this story so much (length maybe?). This story is actually really good, for a first shot at least. I like the approach of suspense at the start, but other than that, the two-option-per-page thing didn't really work out. It's either one or the other, where if the situation was faced in reality, there could be a variety of options (Can I run out the back to the neighbor's house? How about just hide?). But although it lacked a real plot, I think that the wordplay was quite clever (Not as in references or anything, but in the Mood displayed). All in all, major things to work on:
Set Up For Longer Gameplay- Two Options For A Page Isn't Always Bad.
Don't settle for less- At The Start, The Pages Were Meaty And Long, But As The Game Progressed, They Got Shorter.
Plot- Going Hand In Hand With Length, A Good Plot Can Really Help Lengthen The Story. Why Is SHE Being Kidnapped? Who Is Her Kidnapper? Can She Attempt An Escape From The Van?
DETAIL- Major One Here. I Know Nothing About My Kidnapper If I Lose. Now, I'm Not Saying To Give Everything Away At The Start, But Slowly Drop Some Information In So I Can Get Familiar With The Characters.
Now that you have this, please start over and work some things in. This has a lot of potential in being a great Storygame.
on 4/28/2013 10:39:20 PM with a score of 0
I'm giving you a 3. The game is not awful but there are some things holding it back. But before I get to that I want to start with the good.
I liked your attempt at a plot. You wouldn't believe how many people starting out on this site literally have no point to their games. Secondly, I liked that the story, though briefly, was suspenseful. I know that when I was younger that being home alone freaked me out and so your idea of a young girl, who probably doesn't know how to defend herself, is a scary thought.
In that regard, kudos.
On the other hand, I did feel some things were lacking, like detail. Like I have already said, the plot and setting was a good start but I didn't feel all that threatened. When a man held a gun to my head, something that came out of nowhere by the way, you didn't describe him. Was he black,white, or asian? Tall or short? Have hair or not? I had nothing to go on.
Also, when there was knocking on the door why did she open it? I had no choices to say no to it and it was either grab a bat and then gun to the head or open it anyway(Something which didn't seem like a good idea).
Finally, my parents were pretty awful. How come they left a young girl by herself without someone(At least a neighbor) watch out for her? And when she did call they just brushed it off like she was joking or being silly(As if something like that is funny).
All in all, it could have been executed better. Now I'm not saying take it down or that you're awful.
You're absolutely not.
What I am saying is that it has some things to improve on.
on 4/21/2013 11:10:33 PM with a score of 0
-- nobody on 10/23/2016 4:15:59 PM with a score of 0
Short... Nice try though. I can't say anything; as long as its better than my stories :)
on 10/12/2016 3:22:59 PM with a score of 0
Very short, but has a lot of potential. Just like everyone else has said. I little more details of the characters would improve the story greatly.
on 8/31/2016 1:48:06 PM with a score of 0
Is it supposed to be short? I really think not. I got the ending where I kicked the guys crotch and ran to the neighbors.
-- DRAGONEREST on 7/26/2016 2:07:53 PM with a score of 0
Whoa, how does a man get into my house through my door when i'm looking right at it. Freaky.....
on 2/25/2016 6:33:36 PM with a score of 0
I like the idea of this, although I think it could be a bit longer and more descriptive.
on 4/6/2015 8:38:03 PM with a score of 0
It's to short.
But I do not think it's very serious.
on 2/20/2015 12:09:49 AM with a score of 0
The game was a good idea, but it wasn't carried out well. Maybe try making your storygame a bit long. Great start though.
on 12/13/2014 10:21:11 PM with a score of 0
I like the writing and the story but it needs more length, backstory and general development. Still what's there is good :)
on 12/12/2014 2:48:06 AM with a score of 0
it very short
-- damon on 11/1/2014 9:44:03 PM with a score of 0
This is my second time playing this game and it isn't that bad, just linear, short and overall not very realistic. Maybe items could be included (change the game to advanced editor), such as items you can hit the people with...just suggesting.
This game doesn't deserve as low as 2/8. It has a good enough plot, although the maturity rating can be raised to 2. Average game, considering the numerous bad ones on the site. 4/8.
on 6/30/2013 12:37:40 AM with a score of 0
Heh heh... short but better than I'll ever be able to write.
-- ZOE on 4/26/2013 9:14:20 PM with a score of 0
The writing wasn't too bad, but you could have made the game longer,and have more of a plot.
on 4/25/2013 8:12:29 PM with a score of 0
That was very short.
on 4/25/2013 8:10:00 PM with a score of 0
It's a good idea, and a good start, but each page could have used more development and the overall story arc could have been longer. depending on the choices you make, the story could be over before you even got started. Lengthen this and develop it more and you could have a really neat story here.
on 4/23/2013 12:49:47 AM with a score of 0
Im new, but come on thats really short. I like the concept but to me it seemed like you just did this in like 10 minutes or so out of boredom, without putting real thought into your Storygame.
Maybe spend a bit more time playing around with links and such before publishing your work? :)
Keep on making storygames but make them longer and with more options. Good luck for future Storygames.
on 4/22/2013 3:10:18 PM with a score of 0
much to short.... kinda wish there was more. Also it would be neat if you gave options on how you could escape him other than the one option of kicking him in the groin (which made me laguh btw). Other than that it was pretty good.
on 4/22/2013 3:02:14 PM with a score of 0
on 4/22/2013 10:51:54 AM with a score of 0
on 4/22/2013 7:53:35 AM with a score of 0
on 4/22/2013 7:53:32 AM with a score of 0
Really bad horror. Really bad...
on 4/22/2013 5:27:09 AM with a score of 0
I gave a four. I thought the idea was pretty interesting, but it was a bit too short for me to actually feel the danger and tension of it. I would suggest that you take this down after you read over everyone's comments and improve it little by little then put it up again. Your plot is sound, now all you need to do is refine it, and perhaps, even elongate it. It is certainly not a bad story, and there is a lot of potential for growth. Keep at it, friend! <3
on 4/22/2013 1:27:53 AM with a score of 0
Very short not bad storyline you might want to make it longer.
on 4/21/2013 9:57:34 PM with a score of 0