Player Comments on Sleepless Passion

I got the tragic and optimal endings, as well as a number of "game overs."

It's a very technically well-done story- as far as mechanics, it's pretty much impeccable.

Now, for the story aspect. I'm only being so critical because I think it has potential.

The "game over" endings were that random kind where it's difficult to know which will continue the story and which will incomprehensibly lead to an unrealistic cruel ending: my girlfriend left me because I made scrambled eggs instead of an omelet; the rest of my life is lonely and loveless because I held the door for a girl. (Side note: I don't think I'd extrapolate the endings out so far. No need to say your entire life is ruined, maybe just end the story.)

The plot is meandering. At first, it seems like it's going to be a story about dealing with insomnia. Then, the story takes a 90 degree turn and becomes all about my relationship; the insomnia angle is completely dropped.

The beginning is strong, there's a sense of moving from one action to another, but as the story continues, the plot starts to feel glossed over, like you knew where you wanted to go next but didn't really know/care how we could plausibly end up there.
I mean like, I apparently live with Kim, but I broke up with her *over text message* after one date with Sophia?! I guess she took that amazingly well, since we never mention her again.

As far as characters go, I liked David and Alice. They had personality, even though their screen time was limited. Kim is . . . insane? She has no discernible personality, and breaks up with me for stupid reasons like scrambled eggs. I have no idea how the protagonist feels about her, or what their relationship is like. I guess because she's the romantic false lead?
Sophia is kinda bland. I'm not entirely sure why she's our soulmate.

The story's biggest opportunity for improvement- from the game overs to the storyline, there's an overall lack of plausibility that doesn't fit the story's otherwise realistic tone.

Anyway, it was a great effort for a first story. I know maybe it didn't sound like I thought so, but I wouldn't bother dissecting it if I didn't enjoy it.

I hope to see you write more: new stories, or a continuation/update of this one.

Intriguingly random deaths/bad endings.

I've learnt some awesome life lessons such as to not strike a match to your face. I honestly didn't know.

UH, this time I was hit by a random car on a BUS... also it would've been nice to see that there were shifty men in the seat in the back,

OK, so I uh went to pee, and I took a nap, nobody came looking for me, I was fired, and I was incinerated?

Well written but very cliche. Some of the endings were random and unexpected in away that didn't fit with the over all tone of the story. It is a really good first time though with lots of potential, so please keep writing, you will only improve with time.

A very good game, Both endings were well thought out, i loved this story!

I really liked this game.

I don't want to unpublish and republish the story just to update the description, so here's my comment.

Thank you very much to those who have given feedback. Having considered it and brainstormed some ideas, I'm fairly certain now of the changes I'll make when I update this story. Without giving too much away, they will at least double the length of the story, and I'm kind of busy for the next month, so please be patient!

Awesome story

If you're going to have branching paths don't end the game when someone tries to do something new such as making an omelette

Omg good story time to steal