Time Travel Shenanigans and More

Have a nice awkward talk with your boyfriend in the hospital.

It's written using mostly dialogue.There are a total of six "official endings". One tip to find all six of them is this: Never press the go back button. The game will remember things you've done in the past.  

Thank you Endmaster for giving me permission to publish this. Here's the Link to that lovely little Convo. Remnants of the old title are seen in the cover.

Also the contest entry to the Endmaster's second prompt Contest

A Story about Necromancers

Anastovok, the city of the undead and the sole refuge of necromancers, has ended its campaign as its victor along with four other cities in its alliance. However, some unforeseen circumstances will push the city and its inhabitants to its limits. Will it spell doom for the fledgling empire or bring the beginning of a new age?

Prompt 5) A story about a society on the verge of a Golden Age experiencing a cataclysmic disaster.

Part of Endmaster's 2024 prompt contest.

Romancing a Werewolf Has Never Been This Family Friendly!

Since there were no little girls left to be sacrificed to the great wolf, the young lad Rufi was sent instead. However, he will not be killed this quickly as he vows to kill the wolf with his own two hands in order to avenge his sister and the other girls.

A spin of the classical tale of Red Riding Hood and inspired by the CYS romance corner and Bucky's contest prompt. "Breathe fresh live into the tale of Little Red Riding Hood." It's written in the cave-of-time style. "It's a Boy" contains a total of 19 endings, good luck finding them all! 

Extra warning: The assigned 7/8 maturity rating was not a mistake. Be warned of some very explicit scenes. Go in with caution. 

Running a Potion Shop Has Never Been This Exciting!

The country of Riverrock had just discovered a brand new continent called Foundland. Settlers and hopeful souls flock to the promised land. One of them is the young mage Lise and her accomplished teacher. They set up a potion shop, build a house and decorated half of it. All things were fine and dandy till her teacher decided to fuck off and go on his own adventure. Now she has to run it on her own. 

This story is basically a mix between soothing slice-of-life activities,attempts at comedy and dark undertones. It will have two main endings and five side-endings. (for people who have trouble finding the mini arcs, please select this white space: herbs, study, potion, entrance.) More mini-arcs and extra content will soon be added. If you have any trouble getting a particular ending, feel free to message me. 

Entry for Endmaster's manifest destiny contest. 

What Happens When You Have Only This Many Minutes Left

A short story following the last king's final decision in a land on the cusp of the industrial revolution. There are 4 endings in total.

Submission for Corgi's Lord of the lands contest, a product of my sleep deprived mind and fever dreams

Edit: extra drawings added one extra proofread 

Going To Your Backwards Breeding Hometown Has Never Been This Interesting!

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Dear young master,

You might not be bothered to read this letter as I'm very aware of your bullheaded character. Nevertheless, I've come to inform you that a dreadful curse has been placed in Winslow. Beasts of inscrutable sizes roam its streets. Even your father couldn't fight it as he had succumbed to this illness. Although your opinions might differ on this matter, Nikolai Percival had been a kind man of great character. His passing had shocked the entire village to their bones. The people are scared, lost what to do. I am aware that you expressed no intention into taking up your father's mantle, but the village needs a new leader, a new duke. I plead to you to at least finish his affairs before making any lasting decisions.

(....)

Oh help us all, the mother's milk, I hear the voices sing to me, the elder gods, their song. 

-Eduard Merrill

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Play as a prickly prick and discover the grimy seaside town of Winslow. Similar to "little mage's potion shop", it's an open world setting with multiple locations to explore and puzzles to solve. There are a total of three endings! Guide and map included. 

(and yes, this was supposed to be the fishing story contest entry till I forgot that I was bad at copypasting and linking pages together.)

Fun fact: this storygame has 457 pages and 980 links. According to the site it's about average.

Edit June 11th: fixed the links of the light house, baker and beach area 

Me learning to script! Woohoo!

Please don't

He also mentioned you bruh

Dear God, why am I included in this? Just call everyone diseases and be done with it.  

I didn't know you were that popular 

I pronounce it as:

Mii (the I of Wii) - Zahl. (The a of ball)

The second one repeats certain details multiple times: "nobody knows what his face looks like." And "but nobody knows where comes from."

Yeah, even though it is a description, try to make things a little more dynamic. Actions and stuff tell me more what he is like than a trait like "friendly".

What kind of things does he do that are friendly? Does he strike up conversations with strangers? Does he always speak very politely or does he crack jokes with multiple swears?

Take care to mention body language. How does he walk, how does he talk, how does he stand, how does eat? 

With objects; how does he treat them? Yeah, a foreign looking sword tells me not a lot. What kind of relationship does he have with it? Do you see him polish the blade often or does he likes to show it off and parade around with it? Does he hide it discreetly under his cloak? All these actions indicate multiple things: how valuable is it, how attached is he to this sword, does he want to sell it etc ? You can do the same stuff with the lute.

With clothes, general rule is; does it add to the character. Things like color can easily be left out for example if it doesn't give me any hints of his personality. Look, if the bard was very girly and cares about fashion, I would give more lavish descriptions about the meticulous fit and matching pink colors. Here, the green, black and white doesn't tell me anything and are therefore redundant. In my opinion, I would focus a lot on the robe that hides his face (you want him to look foreboding right) and leave out his clothes or keep it very very brief: such as; wears plain clothing. 

In short: the goal of a description is to tell me the vibe of the character. If I still don't know the overall personality and/or demeanor of the character after reading it, then the description might not be so effective.

EXCEPTIONS DO ALWAYS EXIST THO.

If the description is told from the pov of another character who is an unreliable narrator, then the focus could also be more about what the POV character THINKS of this person in question and their overall worldview.

Oh wait, forgot that cel had kicked himself out. Sad to know that you haven't found a replacement Serb.

Fords only contribution is code and even then, we have a serb who does this stuff cheaper and quicker.

:/

Okay here you go and stop whining. It isn't often that people read through your work and get very thorough

Fine, I finished reading through it. Maybe I'm not the target demographic, but I get why it isn't working. It's because it isn't that funny.

funny

I get what you were going for; edgy humor, Nazis, being politically incorrect and such. However, you make your humor feel so dated that I would legit think it is written in 2016 by an actual Alt right neonazi. If that was what you were going for, you got their "humor" exactly correct. 

I felt that this story threads a weird uncanny valley of edgyness. It really flip flops between the subtext literally agreeing with the weird racist/other bad views of the main character and at times normally disavowing his stances. For example, killing your sister earns scorn from your neonazi buddies. However, at the same time you get scenes where black people are exactly acting like the racist stereotypes the protagonist thinks they are. 

"Fuck da police! Black Powah!!!!" Was one of such lines and then black men raping you and stuff.

I was thinking while reading it: "wasn't it the point that the protagonist is delusional and thinks everyone is going to get them?"

And at the end of most endings you always relate it back to some thing that happened in the news (immigrants, BLM, the MeToo movement). Frankly that is one of the big reasons why it feels so dated. 

More ABout the edginess

It is without a purpose. Sigh.... Okay, lemme explain it more clearly. For a story that ends their endings with all kinds of "messages", it surprisingly doesn't have a clear vision.

Like, edginess is like a spice. You sprinkle it in, but don't do it too much or otherwise it will become nasty. 

And you, my guy, added so many unnecessary edgyness into your story that you muddle your vision. Your story should clearly be about a loser incel with a rich politician dad who thinks that being a terrorist is cool. So ehh, why the incest? 

I get the rape parts a little bit, but why the incest? I felt it didn't add much to anything. frankly, the part what makes incest fun to write about, is the taboo associated with it and that it is often not very consensual or the participants are not very mentally sound. Well, you wrote their relationship kinda just like a regular relationship. If you changed the sister character into another rich friend, not much of the story and their relationship would really change that much. So, it felt as if it was only for shock value.

Sometimes I think you didn't go far enough. That is kinda the problem I have when I read such "edgy" stories. They never make it horrifying enough that the stuff lingers. When Ford was talking about action scenes, with making sure not to linger to much, I also have another piece of advice. LINGER ON STUFF YOU WANT TO EMPHASIZE. For example, when you killed and raped the maid, you only wrote it as one short paragraph. I think you could have made it so much more graphic and really amped up the maid's reaction. Then when your sister is horrified by it, her feelings feel even more justified.

Treat edginess the same as dark moments in stories.

To add to that, the reason why lots of dark stories have some cute nicer scenes, is to give readers a contrast and established normal. If the "normal" is the protagonist being raised in a sweet happy family in the countryside, then this family being horrifyingly murdered and raped would feel much more like a kick in the guts than when the protag is in an already shitty situation from the very beginning.

This is the same with edginess and why you often have a "straight man" in these stories. That is a character to balance out the silly nonsense in your over the top world. Even in the wacky stories of lovesick, tales of the basement and Suzy, you can find these types of characters. They set the normal in the stories and the other characters will often transgress that which makes their edginess even more apparent.

what I did like

the protagonist is a prick and has such a strong voice, that I can see him speaking in real life. Entitled, prickly prick, sexist, racist and all kinds of vices in one package. Wouldn't want to meet him in real life, but his voice makes reading through the duller section a lot more enjoyable.

THe duller sections

I also do it a lot when I am very much hastily writing everything down, but like many, you also just infodumped everything in the first page. The infodump about your father being rich and a politician and such is a lot more entertaining due to the strong voice, but you could've made the infodump a lot less egregious.

Frankly, I found it a missed opportunity to never see the protag interacting with his dad. Why not have him and his dad fight when doing a phone call in the beginning of the story? You can just sprinkle every detail you want in their dialogue. Plus, you don't have to spell out his motivations that much anymore like you did now, because we then see an example why the protag hates his dad so much.

Oh yeah, none of the characters are very memorable. None of them have as much personality as the protagonist. I know little to nothing about his sister, Greg, the maid, his dad and the neonazis. It makes his interactions with them a little less fun. There is not a lot to riff on each other. The closest is maybe his sister who commented on his over controlling nature. However, the closest insult the protag comes up for her is "bitch" :/. If she had a little more of a defined personality the insults would probably be more funny.

in short

your edgy writing frankly feels dull, lacks punch and yet, it also feels unnecessary at times. Please think before you add anything.

They are in a separate plane of writing speed. Their speed is what I would expect in webnovel authors and even then most of these people are big outliers. With me I tend to slow down after about 40 k words, mainly to yank out/double check continuity errors. In short, Sherb and Mystic be typing faster and better than me.