Player Comments on The Expedition along the coast of Africa

I wasted 15 months of my life on an expedition because the king was playing a joke on me and I'm somehow okay with that? Also it was completely linear and NEEDS more paths to be considered a CYOA.

3/8

The writing is pretty decent in that you've got some nice long pages here that are good and descriptive, though it could definitely use some proof reading as I was finding lots of punctuation errors even right on the first page.

And I do have to agree with Will11 that all the meetings with the King were pretty silly and just felt out of place considering you were going with a realistic tone for the rest of it.

Also, as he pointed out, this is in the wrong category altogether, and the maturity level you picked would be more appropriate for a horror story with lots of sex and over the top gore.

I hate the "Go back" because you died thing. There's only really one path because of this. Also, on one of the pages you said go back to Page 9 and there wasn't even a link leading me to Page 9 unless I pressed back twice. Sort this out and make this longer for me to rate higher. 2/8

I love this genre which makes this story-game a bit unfortunate. With the basic editor you can just ask a question like "What do you do now?" and write the options in with the page links instead of saying "to do this turn to -" and you need to insert an end-game option for when you make the wrong decision. I think these mistakes came from a lack of familiarity with the basic editor but I would recommend fixing them.
In the main story the writing is ok but King Jao is laughably unrealistic ("You're leading an expensive expedition to Africa?" "What? Really?" "Yes, you are" and "I'm going to kill you now for treason... not!"). I would recommend reading other expedition-based story games on this site to see how this sort of story-game could be written.
Random-question: Why have you classified this as school based story game with no possible way to lose and a 7/8 rating which is normally reserved for dark thrillers and extreme horror?

Every choice i chose led to death, and it seems you wanted to prove how many pages you were writing for some reason, instead of typing the choice you write "Page 1, Page 5, Page 11" You need more "End game and leave comments" And if you die, you can always make a link going to the previous page and rename it "Back.." it feels inconvenient having to click "Go back" naturally. seems like a lazy game made by a lazy person. That is my opinion.

-_-' It isn't a "choose your own adventure" when the only other choices ALWAYS lead to DEATH. You're not giving your readers a choice, you're herding them into picking the option YOU want them to pick.

It's even worse that you refused to give out any "End game" links for all of the different deaths. You literally forced the player into a "it's my way or no way" situation. 2/8.

The only really bad thing about this story is that if you make the wrong decision you die straight away, otherwise a decent story.

Pretty good.