Player Comments on The Story of Count Osmond Jorgensen
The story, all in all, was interesting. For a story written in a short amount of time, the end result was good, certainly worthy of being published here. I'd give the plot a solid 6/8.
Now, characters and character development is important to me when I read and review stories. Sadly, this story lacks in that aspect, with overall flat characters. Furthermore, many of the characters' actions are oftentimes unrealistic or just unpredictable. I feel like more attention should have been put into the characters and their development. I would give the characters and their development a 3/8.
> Background Details
The story itself is pretty good and straightforward. However - and this is forgivable for a story written in a short amount of time - the background details weren't as, well, great. It is certainly good for the time spent writing it, but I feel like the setting and the story oftentimes didn't quite match up at times.
The problem isn't with your details - you nailed that - but I feel like the characters and the plot didn't quite match the setting, and that could get distracting. I would give this category a 4/8.
All in all, for a story written in less than a day and with little prior planning, this story is excellent, and I enjoyed reading it. However, character development is an important factor to consider, and always be sure to match the setting with the other factors!
Also, there were certain parts of the story with incorrect grammar or poor word choice, but those mistakes were minor and somewhat unnoticeable. Proofreading is essential!
Contrary to the heavy criticism I am giving, I think this was a great story. I give the story a 6/8.
Oh, and I'd argue that the 'hero' isn't a hero, but that's another topic alltogether.
on 8/21/2019 11:17:49 PM with a score of 0
This is well-executed and artful... mediocrity.
Having read and reviewed all of the other Lone Hero Contest entries, I wanted to come back and give equal attention to this story, which was DQ'd on a technicality. The description looked intriguing, and from past experience I know @Fluxion is capable of a good storygame.
But this was very unsatisfying, on several levels.
First, obviously, is the absence of genuine branching. There are only two choices in this entire story, and both amount to opt-outs, where you can literally commit suicide rather than continue the story.
Considering the complete lack of sympathy I had for the protag, suicide is probably the best possible outcome.
Second is despite the fact the writing is technically competent, the story itself was flawed -- especially in the context of a "Lone Hero" contest. There was no "lone hero," despite the heavy-handed attempt to label one character as such.
A "hero" is someone who acts to protect or benefit others. But the one in this story ***ACTS TO ELEVATE HIMSELF TO NOBILITY AND LITERALLY CREATES AN IMMORTAL MONSTER WHO PREYS ON INNOCENT PEOPLE***. I can't emphasize that enough: there are no heroes in this story, just self-serving narcissists.
So even is this story hadn't been DQ'd for being published / unpublished / published / unpublished / published / unpublished / published / unpublished, as one of the contest judges I would have rated it lowly for not meeting the contest criteria.
Shame is deserved for a talented writer who failed to deliver a better storygame.
on 8/21/2019 8:50:10 PM with a score of 0
Damn it, Fluxion! Why the fuck did you have to republish this so many times? You know damn well that you can play a story even if it's unpublished. You wrote something that, even though it was short, would've saved you for SHAME, and then you fucked it up! I am disappointed in you but fortunately, much less so in the story.
Let me start by making it clear that I enjoyed the story. More details would always be nice, but it managed to accomplish what it wanted to do very well. Love is a very common excuse for villains in fiction; but it is so in real life, as well. So it wasn't hard to feel sympathy for the protagonist despite him being a monster, and think that his punishment wasn't completely justified. Though, tbf, that's mostly because it'll punish the victims much more than the werewolf.
Unfortunately, it feels more like a good shortstory than a good CYOA. There are only two choices, which're very similar. In both of them you can either choose to continue the main path or, y'know, KYS. Each has a slightly different feel, since early on the protagonist will of course have some second thoughts, while later he's lost all hope. But overall, I think that if they were removed, the story wouldn't use much except CYOA status.
But I'm not certain how you could fix that. The protagonist could perform even more evil acts with more gory descriptions perhaps, but that's all I can think of. It's complete, and I like it. I don't think it'd be fair to other authors I gave 6s to to gave it one, but consider it a 5+. :)
on 8/19/2019 3:02:00 PM with a score of 0