Mayana, The Apprentice Scrivener

Member Since

3/22/2015

Last Activity

12/12/2018 2:14 PM

EXP Points

1,783

Post Count

829

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

115 wins / 128 losses

Order

Sage

Commendations

13
Hello!
I'm a blind teenager from Slovenia. Most of my time here is spent reading stories or writing stupid things on the forums, but I sometimes write short stories and poems as well. English isn't my first language, so any feedback is welcome! Up for a duel anytime.
Have a nice day, Mayana.

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Recent Posts

50 words story thread. on 12/12/2018 8:58:14 AM
Good job! My drawing is still better than your poem, though. :P

50 words story thread. on 12/11/2018 2:38:43 PM
Apologies then, my bad. Semra is indeed in love with her dad in Eternal; she prefers Eternal over the rest because he looks similar to her dad. So I didn't realize it was a joke and thought you just mixed up the names or something.

50 words story thread. on 12/11/2018 12:48:15 AM
Is he? I don't recall that ever being mentioned. I know Francis is the Eternal's name. And since it's a bit of an unusual name for those lands, I doubt Semra's father also had it. So it must clearly be Eternal; I mean come on, the last lane makes it completely obvious!

OFFICIAL official CYS Discord on 12/10/2018 1:09:18 PM
Just stab your eyes out. Then you'll have to use Talkback, so you can just turn the screen off, which'll save plenty of battery.

Duel Cancellation/Override on 12/8/2018 11:33:42 AM
If you have such a huge desire to gamble, just contact end and gamble your soul on, say, finishing a story in a set time. Nothing's quite as thrilling as that!

Introductions on 12/8/2018 3:55:46 AM
Hi, welcome to CYS! You seem like you know what you're doing so far, I'm looking forward to reading your stories! If you ever need opinions on your writing, you could post a motivation thread in the Writing Workshop. Good luck and have fun!

View "Total story games" on 12/6/2018 10:44:48 AM
Yes, we're aware

Best Haiku Ever on 11/25/2018 5:40:41 AM
1/8, needs punctuation. :P

Wooden Hearts on 11/25/2018 5:14:29 AM
This poem has taught me that trees are our slaves, giving us whatever we want, because they're afraid we would kill them otherwise. And yet, it's them who are evil? That doesn't quite make sense, does it? Stop blaming the victims, you monster! Like Undr already pointed out, this poem didn't have a consistent rhythm. Sure, you could argue that you were writing a more freeform poem, but imo this would sound much better If you stuck with the same rhyme and payed attention to the amount of syllables. Right now, most stanzas use the ABCB rhyme, but there is one with AABB, one with AAAA, and one with no rhyme at all. Then again, even if you fixed it, it would still sound like shit, so I suppose it doesn't matter. :P

The Tavern Tale on 11/24/2018 10:25:16 AM
I posted all this on Discord, and only later realized that I should've done it here instead. So I'm reposting this here, so others can learn from the author's mistakes ... ah, who am I kidding? Nobody ever does that.

A few general notes:

  • You chose to use different fonts instead of quotation marks for the storytelling, which I find wrong and annoying.
  • You wrote in past tense where it should've been present, and vice versa.
  • If the sentence doesn't end when the dialogue does, then the dialogue should finish with a comma, not a period.
  • I found your description of the battle boring.
  • Brazil should be nuked.

And here are a few more mistakes that you made. Not all of them, of course, otherwise this post would be endless.

“Ah, this ought to be an interesting one” The innkeeper says before continuing his story. - You explained this one in the Discord already, but I still find it strange that Ed would compliment his own story.

“Turns out he impregnated the guy's sister.” - Is it just me, or does anyone think impregnated sounds a bit too formal?

“If those outremer cavalry reaches us, we're doomed!” - Those is used for multiple things, so you can't use it along with reaches. You could change it to that or the.

I still think that Ed shouldn't have mentioned that he made that cowardly comment ... erm, I mean not he, that handsome soldier. Gotta paint him in a good light.

“That’s right!” One of the youngest, maybe fifteen years old encourages the crowd. As with any army, they clinged to morale and hope. - Missing comma before old. Cling is an irregular verb, cling clung clung. This is just one of the many examples where you decided to switch tenses.

“How do you know what it was like?” I ask, surprised by the last commentary. - Nothing wrong with this one grammatically. But damn, poor kid. He must've been dropped on the head plenty of times. This war was just a year ago, so of course the uncle would've had to be a soldier too. And how would he know all these details otherwise?

"The king didn't look quite majestic filled with blood." - Missing comma. Filled with blood sounds strange. Covered, perhaps?

"Strangely enough, there seems to be a big piece of paper on the right pocket of his fur coat." - I need to check when paper actually came to Europe, but pretty sure this's before that, so it'd be parchment.

Thank you for writing a story, I'd love to read more from you in the future. See? Hell was good for you. Don't struggle so much next time.