Mayana, The Apprentice Scrivener
I'm a blind teenager from Slovenia. Most of my time here is spent reading stories or writing stupid things on the forums, but I sometimes write short stories and poems as well. English isn't my first language, so any feedback is welcome! Up for a duel anytime.
Have a nice day, Mayana.
Recent Posts50 words story thread. on 12/12/2018 8:58:14 AM
50 words story thread. on 12/11/2018 2:38:43 PM
50 words story thread. on 12/11/2018 12:48:15 AM
OFFICIAL official CYS Discord on 12/10/2018 1:09:18 PM
Duel Cancellation/Override on 12/8/2018 11:33:42 AM
Introductions on 12/8/2018 3:55:46 AM
View "Total story games" on 12/6/2018 10:44:48 AM
Best Haiku Ever on 11/25/2018 5:40:41 AM
Wooden Hearts on 11/25/2018 5:14:29 AM
The Tavern Tale on 11/24/2018 10:25:16 AM
A few general notes:
- You chose to use different fonts instead of quotation marks for the storytelling, which I find wrong and annoying.
- You wrote in past tense where it should've been present, and vice versa.
- If the sentence doesn't end when the dialogue does, then the dialogue should finish with a comma, not a period.
- I found your description of the battle boring.
- Brazil should be nuked.
And here are a few more mistakes that you made. Not all of them, of course, otherwise this post would be endless.
“Ah, this ought to be an interesting one” The innkeeper says before continuing his story. - You explained this one in the Discord already, but I still find it strange that Ed would compliment his own story.
“Turns out he impregnated the guy's sister.” - Is it just me, or does anyone think impregnated sounds a bit too formal?
“If those outremer cavalry reaches us, we're doomed!” - Those is used for multiple things, so you can't use it along with reaches. You could change it to that or the.
I still think that Ed shouldn't have mentioned that he made that cowardly comment ... erm, I mean not he, that handsome soldier. Gotta paint him in a good light.
“That’s right!” One of the youngest, maybe fifteen years old encourages the crowd. As with any army, they clinged to morale and hope. - Missing comma before old. Cling is an irregular verb, cling clung clung. This is just one of the many examples where you decided to switch tenses.
“How do you know what it was like?” I ask, surprised by the last commentary. - Nothing wrong with this one grammatically. But damn, poor kid. He must've been dropped on the head plenty of times. This war was just a year ago, so of course the uncle would've had to be a soldier too. And how would he know all these details otherwise?
"The king didn't look quite majestic filled with blood." - Missing comma. Filled with blood sounds strange. Covered, perhaps?
"Strangely enough, there seems to be a big piece of paper on the right pocket of his fur coat." - I need to check when paper actually came to Europe, but pretty sure this's before that, so it'd be parchment.
Thank you for writing a story, I'd love to read more from you in the future. See? Hell was good for you. Don't struggle so much next time.