ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. There are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
Recent PostsHellfy the Bufflander, Vampire Stabber on 11/20/2017 11:36:50 PM
You should call SHIELD the World-Harm Undoing, Preventing, and Allaying Security Syndicate.
They hide all their shady, ethically questionable activities behind legit-looking canning factories, and their agents can be teleported in by opening up special devices that look deceptively like regular food cans. Opening up a can of World-Harm Undoing, Preventing, and Allaying Security Syndicate make could, for example, summon a squad of elite operatives to blow up or attack whoever you point the device at.
The History Of... on 11/20/2017 10:32:22 PM
Personally, I like all kinds of history, but out of the time periods I choose to use or borrow from, I primarily try and choose historical settings based on what kind of action they would have first, because interesting cultures and character ideas are much more easy to adapt to different technology levels with minor tweaks.
The Cold War, "Advanced War", and any science fiction thereof, is boring as fuck from a sheer action standpoint. Nuclear Warfare is boring. It's a bunch of dudes in offices making all those hard ethical decisions and struggling to get their boats in the right places when nobody else is looking. Espionage and proxy wars? Those are fucking grand, but they're pretty much in the style of the wars that preceeded them, only with less points because, realistically, there's either very little combat, or what combat there is is idly shooting into cover and fortified positions to make sure that the other guys can't move into a place where they can kill you. You don't get to fight someone, you get to kill a fuzzy gray thing yards and yards away before it shoots you back. Nuclear war feels equally dumb. Everyone dies very, very far away from the person who killed them, and if you're doing it right you barely even get to see things exploding. Modern Warfare to its fullest extent is incredibly boring to write about from an action standpoint, and with the advent of Drones, it's only about to get more boring. I'd rate it about 3.5 points on the Entertaining Human Murder Scale, (EHMS) slowly falling as humans become less and less significant as a species even in combat, but this grows a lot more if it's a Spy/Vietnam story and Nuclear or true modern war is more of a background threat.
Bronze Age Warfare is next up, even though it's leagues more interesting than . It's more fun than nuclear warfare because people are killing each other, and it's mostly in Melee, which means that there's plenty of Good Old-Fashioned Asskicking (tm) but I never got too far into it because it never felt like there was that much diversity happening. Sure, there's cool forts and siege engines and stuff, but all in all it's mostly hoplites, people who feel like hoplites, and armed militias, all or most of them wielding malleable weapons that can get all messed up in a single fight with a similarly armed person, which feels too much like a very limiting and disappointing cap on someone's murder potential. If you're lucky, I guess there might be chariots, and chariots are pretty awesome. War mostly feels the same from the potential gameplay on any side outside of the cultures/minor technique swaps attached to it, until you start moving into the Roman/early Iron Age era and new things start getting introduced. All the same, sheerly from a standpoint of what you can do, it feels like a nerfed/simplified version of the Medieval Ages. By default, I'd say it's about 6.5 on the EHMS, but with fantasy elements or clever writing, it can grow exponentially. See: Conan, 300, etc. Bonus points for any and all elephant cavalry.
"Exotic" or Tribal warfare is a little more fun, but not too much, though that could be because I don't know that much about it. I mostly enjoy that, especially in Africa and Meso-America, every tribe tends to have their own flavor and way of doing things based on their resources and landscape, because they're separated a lot more by lattitude than longitude. You get to see a lot of whackass weapons, like the Macuahuitl or the hook sword or the throwing knives with dicks on them... Solid 7, though it gets more interesting when you incorporate aspects of older Tribal warfare with newer technology, like certain elements of the weapons/armor mishmash in the Assassins Creed games, Fallout Series, Kenshi, and the Prince of Persia games... And movie... 7 EHMS points Bonus points for any and all elephant cavalry.
Pre-World War Japanese Warfare on its own gets its own special space in here because of course some weeaboo's going to bring it up. I like Post-Industrial Japan because I find Japanese Mafiosos chopping and shooting each other up wearing Mr. T haircuts and basketball shorts to be incredibly interesting, and I like pre-industrial because samurai and ninja chopping and shooting each other up in all their little distinctive clans. But, all in all, I never really dug far enough into it to really become a fan, and if Total War is any indication, I'd give it an "Eh," and score it sorta high on account of all the Martial Arts Culture, armor, and Good Old-Fashioned Asskicking(tm) going on. It's a 7.9 EHMS at base, but can edge out a lot of the other war styles the more fantastical it gets, and the more stuff you incorporate from other places in Asia.
The World Wars are the most fun modern wars, but I'm afraid World War 2 loses out on account of being very modern. That's not to say that the modernity isn't fun, all this modern technology was just being standardised, so everything from every faction is its own particular flavor of clunky and badass-looking in a 1980s 'DOOM' kinda way while still being vaguely recognizable as modern firearms... Which is understandable because we use a lot of the same weapons today. There's commandos and spies and rangers and gurkhas, the whole works of famously badass troops in a time when they were still super important. You have easy villains with the Axis, or even a few other political factions. You can approach the World Wars on any level. It's interesting from the top level, politics are all so colorful and extreme and idealistic that even reading from the point of view of a machiavellian political guy or a tinpot dictator getting swept up in the Facism could be interesting. It's interesting from the tactical level, you have everything from Island-hopping Jungle Warfare to wide open plane-bombing mortar-whackamole to Manchurian Cowboy Bandits, and just about every kinda person from anywhere is getting involved in it. And it's also fairly recent, with lots of pop culture carrying over to this very day- From a sheer people level, it's pretty relatable. Sure, most of the action was very long-distance, modern, and "boring", but when those fuzzy gray blobs are Nazis and the guys on your radio casually remarking about where to move are Stereotypical Brits or angry Communists, it rarely overstays its welcome. Plus, there's still trench warfare sometimes, and boy howdy do I love the idea of trench warfare. 8 EHMS points.
Early Medieval/Dark Age Mediterranean/European/Middle Eastern Warfare beats out all these. Simply because there's just this very interesting blend of stuff from both the Middle Ages and the Roman Times. There's barbarians of every kind and color (and Vikings) and everyone's from all these different families and clans (and Vikings) all with diverse cultures to explore. You have all the important parts of the Roman Empire age, colorful barbarians, badass armies, culture and art, only it's so much less homogenized, and everyone embraces their barbarian roots a little more. This is combined with all the important parts of the Medieval ages, Cavalry, advanced siege equipment, better castles, Steel Equipment... Not even mentioning the Crusades, which have always been quite amusing clusterfucks of wars, and any war in similar fashion is an entertaining one. (And Vikings.) 8.5 EHMS points. Bonus for any and all elephant cavalry.
Frankly, World War I is my favorite World War, and even though there was a lot more of the world involved in the other war, what World War 1 lacks in diverse factions (even though it still has quite a few) it more than makes up for in its diverse approaches to War itself. World War 1, has, at least in spirit, every kind of the most popular Warfighting Styles there ever were. If you want big Dakka Dakka guns, there's big dakka dakka guns. If you want snipers, there's snipers. Battleships, Airplanes, Tanks, Grenades, EVIL CHEMICALS!? CAVALRY AND/OR SWORDS! And all the technology is juuust weird, new, and shitty enough that nothing has quite completely phased those old things out. Plus, there's ~Trench Warfare~, SO MUCH TRENCH WARFARE! This is like, THE Trench Warfare War! And that's beautiful, because not only does it keep the action close, tense, and personal, but once you finally get to come over and fuck up the other guy's shit, that means you get to stab, club, and battleaxe the fuck out of everyone in a glorious display of Good Old-Fashioned Asskicking(tm) despite all the terrifying modern technology that would have fucked you up if you tried to do that otherwise. 10 EHMS points.
Early Industrial Warfare really takes the cake, though. It has fun guns and artillery, in all sorts of absurd and steampunk styles. If you want to go into the really obscure things, there's all sorts of awesome concepts like the Grapeshot Gun, the Hand-Mortar, and FREAKIN' WAR BALLOONS. Napoleon takes the cake for causing a war situation in which there's a million different super-fancy uniforms fighting the shit out of each other, The Revolutionary War is fun because there's lots of invasions, siege tactics, and sea-to-land stuff, the Anglo-Spanish war is fun because PIRATES, and lots of big naval ships blowing the fuck out of each other, and the Civil War is fun because their gun technology is really improving, and there's lots of Train Sabotage and Wild West antics, in addition to FREAKIN' TRENCH WARFARE. Swords, gunpowder, fancy uniforms, big freakin' boats, what's not to love about this era of warfare? Of course, guns do get in the way of the GOFAK(tm) dogma, but hey, there's enough of it to still have fun. They're balanced against each other, kinda like Warhammer 40k, but more happy and colorful. Easily 15 EHMS points.
FEUDAL CHINA. I FUCKING LOVE FEUDAL CHINA. It's like the medieval times, but with more exotic weapons, more Kung Fu, and more rival empires constantly trying to come over the mountains and kick your ass. (And quite often, they do. And it's fucking METAL.) On top of mixing and matching with the Mighty Mongols and the Indians, who have whackass weaponry and strategies in their own right, China really shines in its martial arts culture, and, outside of that, its incredible almost Sandalpunk inventions made exclusively for Kicking ass. THESE are the history lessons that made me appreciate Giant Siege Weapons and Explosives even though they detracted from the GOFAK(tm) of the setting. Sure, melee may have to share the spotlight, even if it is in all these awesome martial arts styles, but SHIT, HOW DO YOU ARGUE WITH SIEGE FLAMETHROWERS, KNIFE WALLS, MOBILE CATAPULTS, and MOTHERFUCKING KAMIKAZE BOATS!? Oh, yeah, did I mention BOATS? They fought each other all the time on the Yellow River, and their methods for doing so were so fucking ingenious. In addition to making them basically FLOATING CASTLES from which to defend from or invade other boats, there were also boats with giant fucking hammers to smash other boats, tankboats paddled by an army below-deck, boats with catapults, and boats explicitly meant for the rowers to ram into another boat with their spiked bows, light all the gunpowder bombs on the deck, and then undo the pins in the middle, split off, and row away before it blows up! There's just so much insane shit to look into, and it's so mad-scientist awesome I just can't help but be awestruck by it the more I learn. 20 EHMS points.
1400s-1500s Super-Late Medieval/Super-Early Renaissance Warfare is some of the best fucking warfare I've ever seen. Melee, Good Old-Fashioned Asskicking(tm) as we know it, was at its highest and most perfected form in this era. From a sheerly melee standpoint, the Full Plate Knight with whatever badass medieval weapon basically outclasses all warriors that came before or since. This is the age of 2-handed swords, shiny armored horses, super-complex siege warfare, ginormous elaborate castles and fortified cities, Plague doctors, and there's even Gunpowder shit stepping in a little bit to satisfy your appetite for blowing shit up, but it's kept nice and expensive/impractical for the most part, so it'll kick ass in its own right without ruining all your peasant-squashing fun as a chivalrous, heavily armored Murder-Batman. Wacky awesome polearms, giant swords, Awesome-looking full helms, advanced artwork and martial arts depicting and detailing glorious combat, Late Medieval War is the best Medieval War, and some of the best war in general period. God I love the smell of blood-encrusted surcoats in the morning!... One of these centuries, this age is gonna end... 25 EHMS points. Bonus points for any and all Elephant cavalry. AND all gun-toting camel riders.
Dune - a realization on 11/9/2017 8:05:27 PM
I like how people used to think of such absurd solutions to problems way back in the day. H.P. Lovecraft thought that we'd have to mine out the ice with these specially engineered superdrills, but no, we'd just build bigger drills. Older designers thought skyscrapers would've required all these huge trusses and gothic arches and physics with all that shit leaning into itself, but no, we just put metal in the buildings and it was fine. That guy thought that diseased, 200 kilo manslugs would need their own special pants to carry themselves around, but actually they just have regular pants and play Mario Kart in real life.
Complaint Thread on 11/7/2017 9:53:01 PM
Most of the stuff you can get on a Dragon Site (or any site full of arty dweebs and fake money, for that matter) is so ~~STYLIZED~~ (I.E. Cartoonular for the sake of being able to pass off flaws as intentional design, rather than for the sake of interesting design and personality) that technical quality doesn't matter, it just has a general sort of "Okay to look at, I guess I can tell what that is". (See most Tumblr Webcomics and/or Tim Burton Wannabes to get the jist of what I'm talking about) But according to Mizal some of them are actually worth the hours spent toiling away getting dragons to fuck so you can sell their children or make dragon burgers.
Complaint Thread on 11/7/2017 4:01:14 PM
It's probably a little late, but all you have to do is strongly imply that you saw a movie/play/book/song/university lecture/courtroom incident where Jury Nullification was invoked and that the concept excited you, and they'll kick you out and leave you to sleep at home while everybody else thinks you're at jury duty. They'll also never ask you to do jury duty again.
EndMaster’s Inclusive Story Contest on 11/7/2017 3:44:27 PM
But of course, the fridge is the THICCest appliance. I can't imagine fucking anything else in my house, except maybe my car, but it entered a polyamorous relationship with some gay dragons a long time ago.
EndMaster’s Inclusive Story Contest on 11/7/2017 3:41:51 PM
Vegetables and Planies still have their own genders, as you can tell by the massive nutritious and fibrous/stainless steel dicks and/or tits. There exist plenty of gay people within that area, but, y'know, mostly it's an excuse for obsessive farmers and those old dudes who painted model planes in their basement before the internet started handing out asperger/autism diagnoses like cheese and crackers to pretend that the beings they hang out with all the time are actually sexually attractive people that they'd be proud of hanging out with.
The old dudes that play with civil war figures in their basement instead are probably more "biased" toward being LGBT considering the only potentially sexy people they have to choose from are dudes.
But, fuck, if I were a gay civil war basement dude, I sure as hell wouldn't be complaining.
Let's Talk About Loki and Odin Is a Bad Dad on 11/7/2017 4:24:50 AM
Odin didn't do anything wrong. You need to be hard on those Frost Giant Bastards if you ever plan on civilizing them! You have to condition them into not doing shitty things, because unlike humans, they aren't really good judges of right and wrong. It's a similar thing with Mimes, Replicants, Nazis, Weeaboos, etc. Honestly they should all just be glad their parents didn't throw them out when they were born and actually put in the damn effort.
EndMaster’s Inclusive Story Contest on 11/7/2017 1:53:49 AM
If the story has multiple protagonists, do they all have to be LGBT? Or is it fine as long as the "main guy" swings with the 10%?
EndMaster’s Inclusive Story Contest on 11/7/2017 1:28:29 AM
Does there have to be "proof" to support the notion that the protagonist is LGBT, or can we just give the story to a Tumblr user, ask for their 'headcanon' and say that's totally what we intended?