ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.
Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsFar Cry 5 sucks! on 3/10/2019 3:11:53 PM
Actually, if you mod the game so that the woods make all visible landmarks 50 miles apart, and then make it so all the random events happen once in 5 hours instead of once every 5 minutes, it's actually a pretty stunningly accurate simulation of life in Montana. So there's certainly SOME level of quality underneath the suck if you can unbury it.
The Baby on 2/27/2019 8:57:07 PM
Vietnam was in no way worse than the invention of Boggle.
I weep for those middle schoolers whose teachers think to this day that they've given their students acceptable breaktime recreation.
Endmaster is the worst person on this site on 2/27/2019 7:53:21 AM
Now we've all been thinking it for a while, but there's a lot more to this story than just that eternal has way too many fucking words in it. Like, christ, if you have more words in your story than dead Indians under your house, you should really reconsider how much shit you're squeezing in. Eternal should not have been one game, but rather several games, stretched out into easily digestible sequels, with a good TO BE CONTINUED every few choices so that people know when to take a break. He really needs to take a few notes from world-renowned storytellers like Peter Jackson, and know when to arbitrarily cut things off that are supposed to be a part of something much more interesting.
But this, this shit is all forgivable. Between him not splitting up his enormous games, not supporting Sharia Law, and just in general being a disrespectful twat, I think that's something we can all look past. After all, none of the site members are good christians, nor are we idiots who get upset about trivial things. The last time I got upset over a trivial thing was 5 minutes ago, and I'm an entirely different person now. Really, I bet half of you don't even remember what you were like 5 minutes ago. We've been drinking to forget all these years. The fact of the matter is that we have to stand united, AS A TRIBE, over the 4 most important tenets that have bound this community together like a fine paste all these years:
1.) We do not bully children here. This place is a haven of hugs and encouragement for all writers, no matter how incomprehensible.
2.) We do not approve of large contributions. Only bite-sized ones.
3.) Heroquest is the worst game ever made. Anyone who says otherwise is wrofasdn.e Sorry about that, I felt as if some powerful and deeply Australian force was trying to strangle me from beyond the vale, but we all know what I was trying to say, so let's move on.
4.) National Paczki day was technically yesterday, but because we here appreciate authenticity above all else, we're going to celebrate it tomorrow just because the local German bakery didn't finish their batch yet.
C.) Because it's important to protect children from bullying, we must virulently protest all interference with their development so they can grow into adults worth bullying.
Endmaster has failed to uphold any of these tenets whatsoever, and frankly I can't understand why we've not only lauded him until a brave underdog pointed out his flaws and died for our cause, but elevated him to such a rank in our society that he's effectively untouchable by all but the site's developers, who would have to resort to some sort of guerilla trickery that three entire autists had attempted and failed at before. Even with Ryder's unmatched hacking skills, the likes of which would put MP3 Pirates to shame, and his distinctively infinite dedication, the uprising against the status quo was easily quashed by Endmaster, simply because we gave him powers that no man should be allowed to have especially not him!
I put it to you, that it was naught but 3J's corrupt decisionmaking process, as he sought to uproot Fun Mod Kiel's illustrious dynasty and sully his name with allegations of pedophilia. Well I'll have you know one thing! I was of perfectly legal age when he started inviting us all to play Cards Against Humanity on strange websites where there would be no savable record of all the romantic innuendoes that he used to share on the forum. In Syria, I could've been a married, fully-functioning alcoholic! And I'm sure all those Ex-Warrior Cat degenerates were of age when he joined their Five Nights at Freddies Roleplay with what could only be noble intentions!
And thanks to JJJ's shameless nepotism, we're left with a pitiful shadow of a mod who bans without even giving them three warnings and a wrist-slap in advance! In his hubris, he's silenced the voices of innumerable and invaluable young philosophers, plying their craft, simply because he does not agree with the manner in which their incredible and unique thoughts are presented! In one fell swoop, he eliminated the important bureaucracy that protects our freedom and replaced it with oppression. No longer are those accused of trolling given 3 weeks or more to prove themselves worthy of functioning in a community! No longer are we allowed to truly challenge authority or something!
Endmaster the Usurper, crony of the petty banisher- His entire career is just a conspiracy to uproot the loving tentacles of the One True Mod! Don't you see? These allegations of internet-diddling, these "child vaccinations", these "circumcisions", they're all just tools used by those in power to keep the effeminate internet-weeaboo down, and that's not something we can stand for in the least.
I know I'm liable to be banned for something like this- I know not how long this very post will stay up before it's destroyed by the Tyrant that rules this place with an iron, lube-laden, fist, but there are ways of fighting back. These forums are a lost cause, there's no hope for us to win here, because that's where the CORRUPT officials hold all the executive powers. What you must do is free the children of their Anti-Kiel brainwashing. If you see a little boy or girl in the wild, point them to the nearest windowless van so that Kiel's agents can escort them to the embassy. If any children are in your care, you must expose them to as many of the unvaccinated as possible so that their purity can spread and decompose the harmful autistic fetusses that the doctors put in there for some reason.
There isn't much time. I have to sleep soon, and Endmaster's already caught on to my expertly disguised alt account. All I can hope for is that some of you are able to read this last manifesto and take heed- You are the last hope for a dying future.
A Shitty Wild West Movie made me sad on 2/4/2019 11:48:28 PM
So I made an effort to check out and see all 20 of the movies my Library had to offer. And I checked out a movie called "the Last Days of Billy the Kid". And let me tell you, it was not a good movie. I find joy and quality in what are probably horrible films from a critical standpoint, but this movie was trash. I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs, but I managed to condense it to just one big one because I have other complaints to go on and on about.
The plot was dumb and written in a way that made it impossible to get into, the acting was so so dry as if they were trying to be dramatic that it was hard to find any humor due to how bad it is, and the attempts at humor they made were very poorly timed so you almost miss them when they're there. Unfortunately you can't miss them because the movie lingers on every single thing a little too long, so you just have to be content knowing that this was an attempt at humor and there's still an hour and 30 minutes left of this fucking shit. I don't know how they did it, but they found a way to make a 10-man Wild West gun battle unappealing to watch. It's such an abysmal movie that you start noticing things that would've been little nitpicks in any other movie, like "Oh lol that building in the background has fucking air conditioners". This is the first time I've ever legitimately wanted to complain about sound mixing.
But then I noticed something, it was full of people's OCs. Like, all these people that never appeared in the history books. Billy the Kid's Dad who was a Texas Ranger, a tough biker lady with an eyepatch, the gunslingin' doctor who's also a pacifist because of all the death, the characters were all these kinda people you'd see playing their characters in a Wild West recreation town. The whole story was just fanfiction, Billy the Kid and his girlfriend are in the movie for a collective 20 minutes at most before they're both shot.
But the thing is, my mom also works for the library. And even though we sort of had fun making fun of how bad the movies are... She talked about it to her friend at work, who actually turned out to agree with her and actually made administrative actions to get it removed from the library system. Y'know, as if it wasn't a real movie, or anything worth saving in the public consciousness in any form at all. Which, y'know, it might be. It might be. But I feel guilty about that? Like I shouldn't have been the one to make that decision?
They were not writers, they were not actors, they were not filmmakers. This was a bunch of adults playing cowboys. And y'know what? They were probably having fun. They weren't some distant hollywood d-listers making a bad B-Movie. These were all just people somewhere in the midwest. Somebody's neighbor, somebody's uncle, somebody's grandpa. It was a movie that was probably important to somebody, or they wouldn't have made it. They were *trying*, they didn't have money, but they didn't seem to want or need any. They just wanted to try. And y'know what? They finished it.
I know I used to tear apart all these horrible storygames that I feel like shouldn't have been published, and I'm probably hypocritical for a bunch of other reasons too, but the fact is, those games and those stories shouldn't have been published. Or, at least, they shouldn't have stayed public, because they required very little investment from the people I was critiquing. They were probably written in maybe an hour. That was as long as it took before they got bored and started publishing their tripe. But movies are different. This took maybe 60-70 obvious hobbyists who love to do this shit the better part of a year. This was a bunch of people who loved cowboy movies so damn much that they were willing to write their own fanfiction together, and they finished it, and y'know what? They probably think it's beautiful, and if I could have bought into that pathos earlier, I might have liked it a little bit too! (Might have. At least, I could imagine somebody liking it.) But now it's gone. Like, their voice has been deleted from the annals of public record. And for what?
They were just excommunicated for being bad. Yet there are soulless fucking swindles and irredeemable trashpiles like [Insert new Adam Sandler movie] made for no other reason than to launder advertiser money through an insular circle of contract actors sitting on the shelves next to it, but a film that has heart and nothing else? Gone. And you can't remove the Industrially Made Comedies, why would you? They're made by famous people, so they're culturally relevant! Even if nobody watched them, and nobody who did watch it once remembers it!
By showing this horrible movie to my mom, I'm responsible for the death of something somebody cared about making. Or, at least it's dead to everyone within 100 miles of me. And that feels... Sad, because I don't think there are a lot of places where people could find this movie... And I don't think they'd like it either. But if Sherlock and Watson has a right to be found, so does this fucking movie.
Anyway, what's the worst movie you've ever seen? And do you think it should exist?
Good food, not fake food on 1/29/2019 10:59:12 PM
As the focus on food as just a technical thing shifts to one as a matter of experience, I believe there is a little bit of validity to the idea of authenticity, but it doesn't really have that much to do with who makes it and how, because things can vary wildly even between traditionally "authentic" cooks. You're going to see, feel, and possibly taste something different just replicating a recipe at home than you are if you go to a place with a different atmosphere with new people.
There's definitely gonna be a different experience if you use a european waffle-maker to have flat waffles and kompot you learned how to make on the internet than if you're ordering breakfast at an Eastern-European restaurant built by a Babushka with her bare hands. Is it the be-all end-all? Not really. You can get atmospheric and interesting eating experiences no matter what or where it is. If you like to eat it, there's a place to find it, authenticity is fun for people who enjoy taking part in the 'worldbuilding' of planet earth, but if you're not able to appreciate things growing, changing, and coming together in different ways, it's arguably like eating a museum. Not that there's anything wrong with that either, that can be a cool feeling too.
Good food, not fake food on 1/29/2019 9:32:12 PM
(Just for the record, I don't like california rolls. Unless it's the kind with the fake crabmeat in it, in which case I'd rather just eat the crab.)
(Also there's more scalies on the server than furries, and your intolerance disgusts all internet minorities.)
Good food, not fake food on 1/29/2019 8:42:12 PM
I'm just popping in to write this because Scully still seems confused about this for some reason.
Your argument went as follows: "I don't like California rolls". Now, that's perfectly reasonable in and of itself. No further justification was really needed because it's perfectly subjective and relies on too many variables to really argue about, and the part of your brain that logs away in memory foods that it does and doesn't like isn't going to perceive things in a logical format. It's pretty weird, even disgusting to eat things like milk or lobsters in cultures that don't have dairy animals or mostly have bottom-feeding/freshwater arthropods, and it's pretty weird to eat things like simians or knee-cartilage in places that don't do that, even though they're all technically compatible with our digestive system, blablabla, bleeblee horpldfffff... Now that you've stopped reading this, let's move on!
Then you attempted to justify it with: "I don't like California rolls, because they're not authentic." Okay, well, hm. Well, that's dubious enough in itself. Most "ethnic" food in America isn't actually from the country of origin, so much as it's just inspired by it. In the days when immigrants came over, we weren't growing many foreign spices or veggies unless they were European. The general store wasn't commonly selling woks or any other cooking equipment from west of the caucasus. What we have instead is a natural evolution of local ingredients and styles.
But you've already heard all that. The thing is, what makes authenticity? Is it cultural significance to the party who inspired it? It doesn't really get more "significant" than being the home cooking that generations of people from their old homes have eaten as they made their own foothold in a new place. Does it have to be invented from within the culture? You may be surprised to know that the invention of the California Roll is commonly accreditted to a chef named Hidekazu Tojo, a first-generation Canadian Immigrant and, as of 2016, goodwill ambassador of Japanese cuisine, which is a title that has to be given to you by actual Japanese Government officials. Now, that's a pretty shocking origin story I didn't know that it had, but I think Mr. Tojo has a pretty strong background in Japanese food culture, whether it's strictly traditional or otherwise.
But that's alright, that can all be ignored because you clarified your argument before you were banned, that in order to be authentic, it has to be "Like the food that's actually made in Japan". Which I suppose is a reasonable law of whatever makes it authentic. After all, American food might be authentic to itself, but fuck, if it's not Authentic to the home country of the immigrants that made it, it might as well not be authentic at all, because as we well know American culture is just the default culture, and everything else is as strange and exotic as it is infallible and unchanging! But let's hold the fucking phone here. Hidekazu is a famous and officially recognized chef on both sides of the Pacific, and he has about as strong of a culinary influence as any one person can. Is it wrong to say that Gordon Ramsay is not a British chef just because he lives in America and has businesses there? Well, yes it is wrong, because Gordon Ramsay is Scottish, but the British don't seem to think that way.
Though I guess with this argument it comes down to whether they make california rolls in Japan. So, let's see, do they?... Well, maybe not in fancy places, but if there's a place that allows you to take special orders, (and there usually is) you can of course ask for a makizushi with avocado and cucumber in it. And y'know what? You almost certainly won't be the first person to have asked that unless this is a new restaurant or a really close-knit town that doesn't get tourists or avocadoes. Japan is far from a place where food is a stationary and sacred thing immune to experimentation, they make Watermelon-flavored kitkat bars and believe Santa's bag is full of fried chicken. They do have ancient and well-established traditions, but unless you have an especially strict grandma, no Japanese chef looking over your shoulder will tell you there's wrong ways to make pig-pussy on a stick as long as you follow a recipe basic enough for it to be called that. The only time somebody might yell at you is if it's your first time de-poisoning a blowfish...
When Mizal asked you to clarify, you said that you didn't like the way they tasted, which again, is valid... But you said it in a way that didn't establish any points. You said you didn't like it because "other food [read: ~AuThEnTiC~ food] tastes better." Which is kind of a flippant non-answer when you've been asked to truly justify in 500 words both why you didn't like it, and if you were really gonna insist on authenticity, why authenticity makes it better.
Does the food in Japan that came from China magically get better when you order it in China? Does the food in China magically get better when you order it in Thailand? Where does the buck stop when cultural exchange occurs? How many layers are allowed before food stops being good? In which case, can you really eat any food anymore? I suppose you could consult ancient recipes in an attempt to make authentic cultureless food from before culture was invented, but you'll have to remove anything more complex than roasting it over a fire on a stick, because anything above that won't be authentic unless you make it in Egypt or Mesopotamia. Everybody born after Australopithecus are just a bunch of rotten fuckin' posers.
I suppose I should also mention that you justified it with "I like to try new things", but that's kind of bull because all food is new if you haven't eaten it before.
Anyway, that's why you haven't been giving answers from the point of view of the people that Helled you. Hopefully that clears up your confusion!
Any other "hopeless romantics" out there? on 1/1/2019 10:59:47 PM
As if any internet slacker can be trusted to get that proactive about his "romanticism".
Poll (Sort of): Firstest Story on 12/31/2018 5:39:28 PM
It was in the very early stages of first grade. I wasn't exactly literate at the time so I made a book entirely out of pictures I drew stapled together and had to "read" the story to other people. It was something really stupid, like, some guy in "Olden times" walking around before a rich guy walked by and made him poor (as one does) Utterly destitute, he begged the noble to give him his money back, but was refused, so the guy swore revenge, and so he sword-fought his way up to the noble's palace and took all the rich guy's stuff.
Crazy people be CRAZY!!! on 12/3/2018 7:08:27 AM
I'm sorry guys but diseases are now an identity. It's not okay to try and prevent against them because who knows if your true self is actually an infected?
When the zombie apocalypse comes, they will not proliferate because we were undefended. They will proliferate because it's politically incorrect to kill them.