ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist

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1/6/2019 8:09 PM

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77 wins / 82 losses






























One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.

He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"

He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"

He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor.  At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.

10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...

The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.


He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.

Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.

The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.

"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.

The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.

"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.

Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.

It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.








If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.

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Randomly Walk II, The epic sequel.

this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL:

A Quiz I made for the Blatant Hell of it All. *CLOSED FOR REPAIRS*

I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.


Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really  bad at quizzes.

No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.


fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.


Flame Wars Dice Roller.

Pictures Test

Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.


In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.

Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.

Articles Written

A Tutorial for Teachers
Exasperated but optimistic advice for those who would like to assign storygames as school projects or for any other school purposes.

Recent Posts

Any other "hopeless romantics" out there? on 1/1/2019 10:59:47 PM

As if any internet slacker can be trusted to get that proactive about his "romanticism".

Poll (Sort of): Firstest Story on 12/31/2018 5:39:28 PM

It was in the very early stages of first grade. I wasn't exactly literate at the time so I made a book entirely out of pictures I drew stapled together and had to "read" the story to other people. It was something really stupid, like, some guy in "Olden times" walking around before a rich guy walked by and made him poor (as one does) Utterly destitute, he begged the noble to give him his money back, but was refused, so the guy swore revenge, and so he sword-fought his way up to the noble's palace and took all the rich guy's stuff.

Crazy people be CRAZY!!! on 12/3/2018 7:08:27 AM

I'm sorry guys but diseases are now an identity. It's not okay to try and prevent against them because who knows if your true self is actually an infected?

Introducing: The Leperkin

When the zombie apocalypse comes, they will not proliferate because we were undefended. They will proliferate because it's politically incorrect to kill them.

Maturity Question on 11/1/2018 7:10:57 PM

You can say "Ass" "Hell" "Damn" and its equivalents a lot in a PG movie. That's how Indiana Jones and Harry Potter did.

Gay Cold War Propaganda on 10/22/2018 10:07:15 PM

Not to be racist, but why do a lot of them look the same throughout these pictures? Did China and Russia just have their own agreed-upon Co-Communist mascots despite all these posters having different artists?

Here's a story for Halloween! on 10/21/2018 2:33:37 PM

My guess is it would be cheaper to just pretend to bury them, but then again, why would they not do something to actually dispose of them? You'd think they could've been mass-cremated and then mashed up and disposed of or something.

Fiddling, Diddling and Supreme Court twiddling on 10/5/2018 6:49:10 PM

Apparently he's going to be confirmed. I guess if you start crying and admit to frequently getting blackout drunk during your job interview, your coworkers will stand behind you as long as you're conservative enough that the majority party will desperately want you to be in power.

The use of Metaphor by Kerouac and Virgil on 9/19/2018 11:18:30 AM

I agree with Chris. For an objective third-person narrator, unless something is either really important, or difficult to describe in accessible terms without using metaphor, probably err on the side that isn't purple prose. You can pretty it up later if it really sounds boring without them. Similes and metaphors are best used from the point of view of characters, whether it's in dialogue or first-person narration. It allows them to explain their view of things in a good economy of words, and if you want to extrapolate, you can really give a good idea of how somebody thinks or what they've experienced by the otherwise unrelated imagery they associate with whatever they're talking about.

For example, somebody who makes a lot of violent metaphors to describe everyday things is probably bitter and resentful to be associating struggle or destruction with just their lives. Or maybe they aren't like that. Maybe they tend to struggle a lot for things they want in life, so using a fight as an analogue to describe things in life just comes naturally. Or, if they have a lot of past experience of violence, you can use this kind of talk to show how they probably have a very casual or irreverent view of it. There's a lot of directions you can take this with the power of context and further exploration of the character in general. Though, besides just violence, it could be expanded to all manner of broad topics and tones.

It's a very relatable to develop characters by analogising through their personal lense, and it sounds pretty and smart without having to use words that make you sound pretentious, so it's prevalent as hell in Noir, Pulp, and other things where masculine manly characters are also deeply emotionally aware and express themselves to the reader as things happen. Though, you'll also find it in Romance, Suspense, and Horror novels. The first two is because they're powerful tools for evoking and describing emotions and other abstract things when used correctly, and the third because it's easy to feel like you've painted a vivid image while still making the reader do the work of scaring themselves. And it's also a hallmark of written porn, not least because porn tends to be the genre of amateur writers, and when real writers do it they tend to be poorly practiced at it because who the fuck writes porn for god's sake, but it's also important to the genre because there's only so many different ways an attractive person can appear, you gotta spice things up sometimes with a touch of abstraction and mysticism here and there. It's also prevalent in anything where the narrator is an extraneous character, like in stories with no fourth wall, or a Lemony Snickett story, because let's be honest Lemony is like an extra character in most of his books.

The last prose genre I can think of where metaphors are the order of the day is Bizarro, because bizarro is a purple genre written by people who are either on shroooms and hanging barely onto lucidity, or by people who want to sound like people who are on shrooms and barely hanging onto lucidity. Metaphors come fast and easy to the brain, and you'll find it a lot in their psuedo automatic-writing style. A particular favorite of mine comes early in the pages of Flan by Stephen Tunney, which goes something like this: "[He felt] an icy blue fear that tore the skin off his back and ran over the exposed nerves with ball-bearings."

If I'm being honest, that's probably one of my favorite metaphors I've ever read, and I often strive to make more metaphors like it whenever I get the chance as an exercise. Though for practical purposes I try not to do that so much in my stories just because you need a bit of objectivity to tell what the fuck is going on.

Old Elliot Rodger on 9/13/2018 11:35:02 PM

That's true, Ryder seem very dissatisfied with fucking his cat. Maybe Elliot was like his Luigi-style effeminate twin who always gets shit on from the audience point of view.

Old Elliot Rodger on 9/13/2018 5:28:09 PM

He seemed to believe he was entitled to everything. Few sources mention his fucking obession with Lottery Tickets.

He looks and writes so much like Ryder, I guess we know why he really left.