ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.
Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsWhat kind of god would you be? on 5/21/2019 2:56:36 PM
Use threaded view you cadunkulus.
What kind of god would you be? on 5/21/2019 1:07:36 PM
These things are too tightly themed, I think you're all missing something very important about the gods of old: The array of random bullshit they do in order to explain natural phenomena that are only vaguely related to their powers.
1.) THE ARENA! Technically the god of sports, but I would prefer it to be combat sports because those are the only ones worth watching.
2.) Obviously herculean physicality, and various witch-powers like summoning equipment, though I'd also have the ability to ride around the sky in one of my brilliant collosseum. The lights and festivities would create a trail of blazing light behind them as they hurtled through the vast reaches of space. Every once in a while, I'll call down one of these collosseums onto anything I see fit, the fireball embedding its foundation in the earth and demanding that all come to see (and try their luck) in the spectacles of the gods! I would probably have lots of demigods working for me, all piloting their own colosseums.
You also need a lot of mythological monsters and stuff for your spectacles, and the capability for creating and capturing new ones seems like the order of the day wheneer you need something for your heroes to fight. Lots of regular entertainment employees too, just for management. Valkyrie characters for enforcement, supernatural dancers because humans get old and die, etc. Every four years, there'll be a meteor shower, which will announce the coming of THE OLYMPICS. Mine, and the top six most productive and entertaining arenas for that olympiad, will land on earth and throw the biggest opening party that mortals are capable of handling, as a great congregation of men and women gather to watch the heroes that sign up participate in 6 sports at once, starting with the newest and/or the most boring, and slowly rising up to the tried and true events. Combat, naval battles, Man vs. Monster, with music and bombast and no shortage of fair foods.
3.) My appearance would probably change a lot over time, starting out as a much more Shao Khan-esque figure and then I'd probably have to rebrand myself into something like an entertainment manager as humans start feeling like duels and mock warfare are in poor taste.
4.) Put on a damn good show, of course! Plus, I'm going to keep a lot of magic things and people employed.
5.) Because it's cool. And, if there's a god of boredom like what'shisname said, then that's a threat that I take very seriously! Surprise is such a temporary way to fight with the god of boredom. You gotta get people invested! We need to combat this evil with magnificent, longterm entertainment!
Just Another Day In HELL on 5/2/2019 9:34:31 PM
Rumors of my demise were... Highly exaggerated.
Mostly by you.
Shame on you, Puddlebunni. Shame.
Just Another Day In HELL on 5/2/2019 9:00:58 PM
I was slightly late on the promised delivery, so I wrote 3.5 times the words that I needed to in order to get to an ending in this mess. Yeah, that was my issue!
Ficsean_Chef vs. Castorgreatpoetguy : Poets' Duel on 4/29/2019 7:38:17 PM
We're just polishing turds to make oureselves feel better. We all know that the only true winners in this horrid situation are all those fortunate souls who never had to read nor produce either of these disgusting word salads.
Poetry prompt: week 13 on 4/22/2019 11:22:33 PM
It was originally gonna be bees, but then I figured simply having a pussy full of bees didn't imply quite as much trypophobia as being eaten alive by maggots.
Poetry prompt: week 13 on 4/22/2019 1:14:57 PM
The plague left his body macilent,
His tendencies were still rather violent!
Crawled out of his cave,
And rambled and raved,
And went very suddenly silent.
He saw them all lie by the road,
Sun-baked, warty, and swollen like toads.
So he got out his spoon,
(He was quite opportune!)
And devoured infested meat-loads.
That one wasn't very good, I wanna do another one.
There once was a camgirl from France,
I paid to put maggots in her pants.
Didn't think she would do it,
But she just said "screw it"
And engaged in fly-larvae romance.
To depraved depths she did dive,
I saw that the worms were alive-
They burrowed and bit,
She did not give a shit
And became a fleshy, wet hive.
I hope these are edgy enough!
Great job Paris! on 4/16/2019 7:33:14 AM
Man, I didn't know you could burn down a stone building! Props to the builder, that's the kind of shit you could brag about, like "I set the swimming pool on fire!" or "I burned this milkshake!". Except maybe don't mention that you burned down the only home in France for the terminally hideous. That's not cool. It's difficult for them to find work and shelter outside the Incel community.
The Price of Freedom: Innocence Lost on 3/29/2019 2:54:29 PM
Hell yeah! Always good to know progress is being made on the ever-ongoing quest to stick it to The Man!... Or The Xi. Who knows how many people are pettily conspiring against a good story about gladiators to protect their feelings.
Far Cry 5 sucks! on 3/10/2019 3:11:53 PM
Actually, if you mod the game so that the woods make all visible landmarks 50 miles apart, and then make it so all the random events happen once in 5 hours instead of once every 5 minutes, it's actually a pretty stunningly accurate simulation of life in Montana. So there's certainly SOME level of quality underneath the suck if you can unbury it.