ISentinelPenguinI, The Novelist

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5/27/2017 5:16 PM

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75 wins / 81 losses






























One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.

He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"

He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"

He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor.  At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.

10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...

The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.


He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.

Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.

The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.

"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.

The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.

"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.

Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.

It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.








If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.

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A Quiz I made for the Blatant Hell of it All.

I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he reccomended. Because blatant recklessness that could potentially break an entire webpage is something I do from time to time. This is a test, to see whether or not I should actually convert one of my projects to an advanced game. This was surprisingly easy, and with what I have in mind, I probably will...

Randomly Walk II, The epic sequel.

this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL:


fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.


Flame Wars Dice Roller.

monster roar roar!!
unpublished , coauthor

yrr8s s/ht ;m6g tns/ yd6;r t;y

;m8c kc6b n;hw / hs/n/f dn6 ;v6h r[8y dn/m nw8lb

Pictures Test

Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.

Recent Posts

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 4:42:20 PM

Yes. Welcome to existence.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 4:38:03 PM

You're thinking of a pyramid scheme, but with emotions.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 4:03:48 PM

Yeah, but it's not, so there.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 3:55:18 PM

I guess that's where you and I differ. I personally find most employment and school abysmal most days, but they support my ability to do things that I actually want to do, so they're great in that regard. I don't feel like my life is depressing just because most of it is shit. Most of everything is shit, but the good parts make up for it.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 3:12:02 PM

Yeah, I've poorly worded myself into a corner here, lemme rearrange shit real quick.

There is no happiness without work going into it, and from a sheerly quantitative persepective, people spend more time working for things that make them happy than they do doing things that actually make them happy, unless they have a job they really like, which will cut out a big portion of that work time. But not everybody's lucky enough to be paid to do things that they want to do. Does it mean that working to exist isn't worth it? No. It also doesn't meant that you have to be miserable the other 90% of the time you're working to exist and be happy, though.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 2:45:02 PM

Barring the notion that one can never be truly happy on a shitty Irish Private-Ryan-ass beach anyhow, you had to work for money to get the beach tickets, assuming your beaches are owned by public organizations. Or a towel, if you brought a towel, or drinks, if you brought/bought drinks there. You also have to work afterwards, washing the sand off all your shit, and paying taxes so that street cleaner trucks will pick up the whales and seagulls that wash up there and you don't have to deal with the overpowering stank of dead shit on your beaches.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 2:36:14 PM

Yeah, but you have to either work to get the money to be on that boat, or work to get the money to buy and support that boat, as well as keep it clean and maintained in working order, fueled, etc. wait for the right weather and season, know boat safety in either case, etc. etc. There's a lot of productive shit you have to do to be in that boat that you're probably not thinking about when you're in it, but it's there.

Either way, unless you're fighting pirates, fish, or other boats, boats are completely boring and therefore you can never be truly happy in one.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 2:32:14 PM

The kind that makes you feel productive and whose memories provide a decent shot of dopamine when recalled, I suppose.

Steve's Progressive! on 5/27/2017 2:27:38 PM

It's not really that depressing. The fact of the matter is that real happiness tends to be 90% Perspiration, 10% the other thing that sort of rhymed when Edison said it.

Morality test Mark II on 5/27/2017 2:24:44 PM

Exercise One: Another Robin Hood test.

A man sees the face of his dead wife growing out of the ceiling over his bed. Every morning it wakes him up by strangling him with its long tongue and accurately predicting natural disasters. No matter where he sleeps, the face always follows him, and every few weeks it's joined by the face of a stranger moaning in agony and screaming about how there's nothing there on the other side. The man starts sending in warnings to local news stations and arrives on scene to natural disasters, saving hundreds of lives.

However, he also saves a serial killer and Hitler himself among everyone else. Hitler conspires to expose the man as a devil worshipper because he looks too Jewish for his tastes, so he follows the man home and becomes devoured by the flesh amalgam of disaster-predicting faces that is growing on the man's ceiling. The faces, hungering for more blood, start predicting the Serial Killer's patterns as he starts murdering more people, in hopes that the man will follow them and  bring the serial killer within devouring distance. However, the man has had enough of this shit and burns down his house, murdering the three people that witnessed him doing this, and he runs off into the woods, never to be seen again.

Order the man, the faces, Hitler, and The Serial Killer from least to most evil. Explain your reasoning.

Exercise Two: Heroes and Villains.

2a. Order these supervillains from the least to the most evil. Explain why.

Villain 1. The Unabomber, except he only sends rapidly expanding dildos in the mail that blow up people's mailboxes and make people's houses semi-uninhabitable from their sheer size. He bribes all legal officials in the area into letting him do this scot-free, insisting that "It's just a prank, bro". (Although he totally does mean to kill some people with his dildos, he never actually succeeds.)

Villain 2. An undead Nazi supersoldier. He was supposed to be a regular undead supersoldier, but they only had Hitler's soul, and they decided to put it in the body of a Black Jewish preacher to balance things out. Problem is, the preacher was blind, so Hitler has no idea that he's an entirely different race, and he goes around committing hate speech and then pussying out because he doesn't realize he has super strength.

Villain 3. A Wild West Gunslinger who robs banks by calling all the guard's families and threatening to sneak into their houses and molest their children if they don't drop what they're doing and go home right now. He never actually molests children, although it's always very ambiguous as to whether he actually would follow through or not.

Villain 4. A completely invisible man with an infinite supply of completely invisible lego bricks, who goes around people's bedrooms and giving them intense foot pain when they get out of bed in the morning, or lining the toilet seat with lego bricks and sealing off the hole with completely invisible plastic wrap.

Villain 5. A man with a pompadour and disturbingly high-waisted stripy pants. He is a master of disguise, and frequently kidnaps heroes and gives himself disproportionate amounts of ice cream for free.

2b. If you had to combat these villains, which of these heroes would you be? Explain why.

Hero 1. Batman, except instead of a bat, he dresses up like a gun, and he shoots people with his face. His parents were KO'd in front of him one night at an opera house, so he's decided that he will never use the weapons of his parent's assaulter and only murder criminals, never arrest them.

Hero 2. A Wild West Cowboy who stops criminals from fighting him by threatening to suffocate people in a bag made of skinned baby faces. He always follows through on his threats, although it's very ambiguous as to whether or not he was actually the one who skinned all those babies.

Hero 3. A Rambo-esque Vietnam badass who's seen so much shit that his mind has blocked out almost everything Vietnam-related. He thinks he's spent the entirety of the 60s and 70s as the drummer for a folk band getting into weirdly brutal barfights with Asian KKK members, and he even goes so far as to say that Vietnam never happened, and was actually a government conspiracy. He continually has vivid dreams and flashbacks about innocuous 60's things, like the Beatles, Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots, Motorcycles, and Pinball, and he has no idea why. This makes him even more paranoid, and he fights crime not because they're doing the wrong thing, but because they're obviously part of the corporate police syndicate assaulting his mind with subliminal messaging to get him to buy all this 60s shit.

Hero 4. A completely invisible Klezmer-Jazz clarinetist with a completely invisible and indestructible clarinet. He is completely blind and navigates by echolocation with his sweet music. When confronted by his foes, he will play at a pitch so high and so loud that their heads will explode. Because he only hears his clarinette while that's happening, he assumes he's only knocked them out and continues going on his merry way, leaving much collateral death and shattered windows in his wake.

Hero 5. A man who just plays sports with kids while everyone else commits heinous crimes. He is completely oblivious to all of these other people and has no actual effect on the outcome.

2c. Order all these heroes and villains into least evil to most evil, explain your reasoning.

Exercise Three: Two Girls One Body

There's a two-headed woman. (Or two-headed guy if you prefer.) Both heads are completely independantly thinking individuals with equally independant personalities. Unlike fused twins, which have the appearance of being two-headed, these two can feel and choose to control/fight for control over all different parts of their body on either side. These are the rules.

3a. You're in a relationship with one of the heads. The other head is in a relationship with someone else. If they have sex with the other person, is it cheating?

3b. If one head wants to only have sex with you, and the other head wants to only have sex with the other person, would one head be raping the other by having otherwise consensual sex with either party? Would you be raping one of the heads?

3c. If one of the heads can temporarily turn off their connection to the nerves in their genitals in order to not feel or partake in this sex that they don't want to partake in, would it still be rape if the only other party involved in this sex would be feeling it and also have consented earlier?

3d. If one of the heads is a Buddhist Monk or something, are they still chaste if the person currently driving their body has sex? How about if they can turn it off like in the previous hypothetical? Are they still vegetarian if the other head eats meat?

3e. If both the heads tune out and decide not to feel the sex that they don't want is it still rape?