ISentinelPenguinI, The Apprentice Scrivener
One day I had a test, and the teacher farted, and then this kid bent over to pick up his pencil, and everyone was scared because they thought they heard a gunshot and there was a school shooting, but actually it was a deafeningly loud flatulence emitted from the kid who picked up his pencil, with such tremendous force and pressure that his pants had ripped open and were smoking. And everyone was laughing, but the kid was pissed.
He got up on his chair and screamed something like, "OH YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY DO YOU!?"
He grabbed one of the girls, and there were many gasps, "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU ASSHOLES FUNNY!"
He shoved the girl out of the way, and took a massive shit on her desk. The class laughed, and even applauded. For the first 2 minutes, at least, but the kid would not stop shitting. Eventually it overloaded the desk and started to drop onto the floor. At 5 minutes, the giggles gave way to horrified screams. Worms and blood started to appear within the shit, and the oils of his eyes were diluting with lymph and starting to drip down his face.
10 minutes, and he was shitting this constant stream of worms like a faucet, they were pooling out underneath him and writhing over each other, burrowing into whatever they could find. The floor was too hard for them, but they found the girl's shoes. You could hear them chewing on everything they could find. They made little clicking noises wherever they bit on something, it was like dumping one bag of marbles into another... But then they found the girl's flesh underneath her shoes and socks, and boy howdy...
The worm hoard sort of swarmed her and started burrowing into whatever bits and bobs they could find. As they chewed, it sounded like those aforementioned marbles were being poured into a bowl of semi-hard jello. A thousand little splats in an orgy of blood and gluttony.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES!" Screamed the fart kid, "CAERBOG EXTRICATES!"
He just kept shitting worms and screaming about our glorious holy lord and savior Caerbog. Just sitting there. The worms turned to eyeballs all melted and grafted together, and the molten skin of his rectum slowly started dribbling down between his legs, but he just kept going. His real eyes were totally gone by this point, and actually his bare testicles were dangling out of one eyehole by their epidydimus, but what was even funnier was that a little horse fetus (Couldn't be more than two months) was desperately trying to escape from his head, but he was too big to fit through the eyeholes, so he just kept squealing and stamping impotently at the walls of his flesh prison.
Eventually, the eyes and the worms and the shit were creating this massive pool of shit that was ankle-deep over the floor of the room, and the girl being eaten by the worms was now a skeleton full of boreholes and tiny bitemarks. The class started really laughing their asses off as her jaw fell off, and one kid even fell out of his chair laughing and was devoured by worms, eyes-first.
The kid just kept on shitting. His legs had been worn down by worms into just nubs of flesh, so no one was surpised when the entire lower part of his torso burst open and started spraying eyeballs and bloody shit everywhere.
"CAERBOG PROVIDES! CAERBOG EXTRICATES! CAERBOG EXTRICAAAATES!" he screamed. More kids laughed themselves into the waist-deep pile of worms.
The teacher just stood on his desk with a look of utter disappointment on his face.
"Caerbog does not exist, you zealous religious faggot." Said the teacher, driving a knife into his belly as the holy purgative fires of Caerbog began biting into the flesh of his taint.
Long story short, the kid got a detention, and our sides fucking exploded that day. Even the fucked up skeleton whose desk he shat on was laughing. You can still hear her laughing if you put your ear to her grave. It's just underneath the floorboards of the basketball court.
It was so hilarious though. You had to be there for the full effect. He was just squatting over her desk with the same strained look on his face the whole time. I mean, while he could still squat and move his face, I guess.
If you came to this page in hopes of learning more about me, you're boning up the wrong tree.
this is a loosely satirical and somewhat more gamey version of the game that isn't really a game. thanks to the creative juices of Bardockwest. The ORIGINAL: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/randomly-walk
I discovered a thing that JJJ wrote. It told me all about this quiz-making shit. I followed the instructions, even though I disobeyed JJJ's opening lines by starting this WITHOUT a basic knowledge of any of that weird scripty shit he recommended. This was low-effort as all hell, don't ever use the classic editor for anything you care about.
AQIMFTBHOIA DLC: THE UPDATE DESCRIPTION
Since some of my questions contained outdated information and I needed to make sure everything was in working order, I unpublished this thing. Since I understand this to be something that generally fucks with ratings, I'm gonna add 5 more questions so you have more of a reason to rate it again. Also, every question now has a stupid answer. These are the ones that are so blatantly wrong/non-answers that they give you negative points... Some are better hidden than others. Aside from most of the endings being revamped, there are two new endings! One is for people who're spectacularly awful at quizzes, and the other is an ending for people who go off the beaten path... By being really bad at quizzes.
No, I will not add a thing at the end that shows your score. If you want to know your score, you have to dick-measure in the comments yourself. Drill Sergeant Nasty has always been an accurate barometer for how well you did, in my eyes.
fucking bullshit ass fuck dammit shit asshole tits on a duck fucking a pile of dipshit dumbfuck ass.
Flame Wars Dice Roller.
Just a little story to see how I can place my pictures around text.
In a strange world where World War I hasn't even happened yet, Law and order is the only accepted form of justice. Until NOW.
Enter Mild-Mannered Clifford T. Boot, 2nd class passenger on the world-famous vessel, the Titanic. Haunted by the shadows of his war-torn past, Clifford bought a ticket to the United States of America looking for a new life. But trouble always finds Clifford, and when an innocent widow and her child are kidnapped by a cult dedicated to resurrecting Napoleon, he has no choice but to return to his old ways and save them... Because for some motherfuckers, mass tragedy doesn't come soon enough.
Articles WrittenA Tutorial for Teachers
Recent PostsSuperHero Project on 10/14/2019 10:26:13 PM
WE WANT BO-RIS! WE WANT BO-RIS!
BO-RIS! BO-RIS! BO-RIS!
... I couldn't find an image of people hitting the table like they were chanting something, so now it's just a tantrum.
SuperHero Project on 10/14/2019 7:37:39 PM
I think the Gary Stu and textbook-like lack of any real drama has already been addressed, I'll swing in with the nitpicks.
1. There's no such thing as an olympic bodybuilder. Olympic athletes build their bodies to serve a very particular purpose. the purpose of "being big" is not among them. He's either like an olympic athlete, or like a bodybuilder, but there isn't a lot (or any) overlap between them. Bodybuilders exercise in order to maintain a particular size and set of bodily proportions, and they aren't particularly athletic. They don't grow their muscles for any particular sport or purpose and dehydrate themselves in order to look more chiseled, so it just tends to make them more stiff even if they are physically good at lifting things.
We know he can't be a bodybuilder, because if he is, he's 15 pounds underweight for his height, and we're told that he has the ideal body. Is he a weightlifter? In which case, he's a twig. Granted, they have weight classes for this sort of thing, but nobody expects the featherweight boxer to go out into the great wide world with everyone in it and use these skills to fight crime. Is he a boxer or wrestler already? That sounds more reasonable, but they don't do bodybuilding activities as much as they just exercise their muscles to perform certain tasks.
2. A Secret Russian Eco-Terrorist group... Erm... Hm... Alright, first off, we're going to have to come to an understanding of what you mean when you say "eco-terrorist". The technical definition is a group organized to attack, sabotage, or otherwise harm things and people who are percieved as hurting the environment. The other is a more "pop culture"-oriented thing that people use to describe those who destroy the environment, like captain planet villains. The second one seems to be more of a misnomer, so I'll assume it's the first.
Eco-terrorist groups are typically grassroots organizations that take direct action in protesting things. If they're secret, their actions typically won't be. Terrorists in general try to create huge public spectacles in order to make people fearful, and they also benefit hugely from being widely/publically known, so that other people with extreme beliefs will come join them. Why are they secretive?
And, more importantly, what are their motivations? Far be it from me to accuse Russia of being a warmonger, but between their vested economic interests in Ukraine, oil, and a growing resurgence in dick-measuring against the United States, Ol' Putin here has little regard for anything that might interfere with his industrial and technological advancement. You can be damn sure that Eco-Terrorists have a habit of disappearing and/or shooting themselves in the back of the head.
Maybe this is why they're a secret group? In which case, who makes up this group, and why do they have access to one of the most elite schools in the world? Like I said, these are typically grassroots organizations, and not wealthy or high-paid political people who often have a vested interest in industry, agriculture, oil, and other things typically deemed 'non-sustainable', considering that's where so much of their money comes from. Is this a humble, rag-tag, 'salt of the earth' school for the insanely gifted? Where do they get their science equipment?
Or, hell, it's not too much of a stretch to imagine that the secret group is well-funded because they're a group who commit eco-terrorism in other countries, but not Russia. I can imagine Russian eco terrorist movements might target the infrastructure of other countries and Putin would be just fine with it.
Other people have mentioned that "the top 1%" isn't that exclusive, but, let's face it, it's a school, and schools need attendance in order to be profitable. They can afford to be choosy, but not especially choosy. Academic stuff tends to be more a factor of money and prestige than actual qualification, since ideally an education trains its students to be on the forefront of knowledge on the subject. If you're already on the cutting edge, that just means you're more likely to pick everything up. The *really* exclusive stuff is like, government think-tanks and scientific endeavours like the space program or Manhattan Project, all of which are for people who are already educated, not people seeking one. And considering the whole thing's a front for human experimentation, the top 1% is fine. Frankly, I'm surprised they started with "perfect" people and started killing so many.
3. Why did they start with "perfect" people? As you can imagine, the top 1% most brilliant and perfect people alive, even if there are 70 million of them on the planet, can be difficult to find. Surely, you would want to make damn sure you were doing everything properly before you attempted to create a perfect being. So, before delving into the quagmire of what constitutes a perfect person, what the hell were they doing wasting perfect individuals when what they could have been doing was laying the groundwork for their experiments first? Surely they could have experimented on imperfect individuals in an attempt to understand what might endanger their perfect test subjects?
The Society is a powerful and secretive group, and surely there are homeless people, prostitutes, cult members, "dissapearing" political insurrectionists, and other nobodies that they can kill first. Hell, they're eco-terrorists, if they need "perfect" individuals they can try to kidnap highly educated C.E.O.s of big businesses. Why make a big public display of mailing the sports jocks with good grades to come to your secret wizard school and then kill them? Sure, they might have laid out the groundwork earlier, but it never mentions this. Am I to assume they tested less 'valuable' subjects first? In which case, can we follow the story of Boris the Hobo who got captured by The Society and turned into an abominable sewer mutant who lives in the Moscow rain sewers and sustains himself on the flesh of the petty thieves and drug dealers who used to torment him? Can we? Please? Because that would be a helluva lot more interesting than the protagonist we ended up with, but I digress.
4. What are his powers? This is never clearly explained. Is he just smart? Do he just thunkin' gud? Subtle superpowers like this are potentially quite interesting... If any story is attached to them at all. But this is a synopsis, so I can't really criticise. If he's some sort of telepath that can "push" things his way, however, I and every comics reader will tell you that's a real dingbat move if not done correctly. People who just cause others to do what they tell them (e.g. soul-patch-wearing monstrosities like JAMM, or golden-age douchebags like Hip Knox) are traditionally the worst superhero characters ever put to paper, and often come off more as villains and douchebags than heroes under scrutiny because no thought is really put into them.
"Mind control" heroes are pretty much just anti-story. They manipulate and erase the motivations and personalities of others simply so that the plot can roll out before them. It's hard to create adversity when people just do what you want. It's true, villains who test the moral fiber of their heroes, and vice versa, often make for especially interesting tales, and maybe that's the case here? But 'Puppeteer' doesn't imply that his power is public speaking and genuinely changing minds. It implies he's a thought-rapist.
And nobody likes those.
Anyone Make Music Here? on 10/12/2019 4:58:20 PM
I have a bunch of little songs written in Beepbox. I consider my best work a series of songs that just deliberately recreate a chinese folk song. The others are original as far as I know, but because part of the thing with Beepbox is that you listen to it as you make it up, I have a similar problem as Cricket where I can't tell whether it's "familiar" because I've heard it a lot, or whether it's familiar because I've heard it somewhere before this.
Anyone Make Music Here? on 10/10/2019 8:21:12 PM
I don't think Will Smith was playing a Nigerian, Mizal was likely referring to the stereotypical conceit of an email scam:
E.G. "I'm a Nigerian Prince. My father died with [arbitrary number] million USD in diamonds, and I have to get this out of the country RIGHT NOW because he supported Gadaffi and it's not safe here. Please send your bank info so I can transfer the rocks into overseas legal tender, I will let you have a [arbitrarily high]% cut because this blood money disgusts me"
Tally Ho, Chapter Four on 10/1/2019 4:25:19 AM
Option 2 is the one I'm most curious about. Well, the one I'm most curious about that seems to be getting any traction. If there really is somebody in the woods calling our name, I'd really like to find out why!
Tally Ho, Chapter Four on 9/30/2019 1:58:33 PM
Frankly, we didn't go through the hard work of developing a whopping 65% boldness just so we could ride an easy horse. We must rise to the challenge and go where no other equine is capable!
Tally Ho, Chapter Four on 9/30/2019 8:42:48 AM
... When I highlighted Option 2 in order to bold it, I may or may not have looked away and pressed 'e' instead, wondered what that E was doing there, and assumed it was a removable typo and everything else was okay to post.
Tally Ho, Chapter Four on 9/30/2019 8:33:30 AM
We must prevent Rory from being a dumb blonde rich person, and educate him about basic facts.
I need $2000 on 9/26/2019 5:08:59 AM
I don't have any money, but I can mail you a thumb drive with a pirated copy of MS word and photoshop on it. It'll save you like, thousands of dollars. Then you'll need like 200 for a functioning laptop!
Hot Y Xing on 9/24/2019 10:19:38 PM
Oh, taping poptarts and things to your cat wasn't a separate phenomenon. Making your cat do nyan cat things WAS the nyan cat fad. It was all over the internet, so people knew if they could get their cat to be the "real" one, they would get a slice of the fame and youtube fortune.
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