Player Comments on A Broken Reality

This really needs some formatting. I don't want to see massive blocks of text.

Unnecessary long and too easy information that I don't need and will forget in 5 seconds. The story moves way too fast. For example: I learn all this information about this war between aliens then all I do is make one choice then I die and become an orb. It is pretty boring. But not as boring as my online classes. I like the beginning.

Alrighty, a new and keen writer, let’s see. The plot sounds very similar to the Matrix (blue pill / red pill). I can tell just from the first paragraph you need to edit more: you don’t need to write down everything that comes into your head but you can scribble it down, go back over it and take out the non-essential bits (what’s the point of telling the readers you were in a foul mood when you wrote this?). The text walls are too long and also need editing and splitting into these handy little things that we call paragraphs. The writing speed seems to be frantic, as though you have 60 seconds to finish each page. Oddly enough this does contribute well to the paranoia of the main character though but it does make the longer text walls difficult to read.

Since when do penguins bray? The narration style is a bit odd, it sounds like an anecdote with options, or possibly a panic attack put into words. The shifting pronouns do effectively mirror the shifting realities but to be honest I couldn’t force myself through some of the bigger text walls so I skipped to the end a bit which ended with me suddenly getting shot because some random kid said boo and then some chill stuff happened. After the simulation thing was revealed, it seemed the author ran out of ideas.

Ok, so multiple SPAG errors and text walls aside you should slow down your writing pace and develop the plot, characters and settings more slowly (take your time when writing, no one is desperate for you to produce your latest masterpiece by the end of tomorrow). There was some good branching and some good glitchy paranoia but you didn’t seem sure where to take the story after the revelation. Of course, this is an idea that could be developed much further and a sequel is unnecessary when the first story is only a few thousand words (I think you’d need to write 10,000 words minimum before a sequel is justified) - just make the original story longer. You’re new and this is an ok start but take the feedback on board, read other stories, check the help and info section and keep writing and, with time and practice, your writing should improve. For now, I’ll give this a 4/8.

This story was a bit surreal. There wasn't as much of a plot final destination so much as a world to immerse in, as far as I can tell. I found one branch in which it is strongly hinted that reality isn't real, but what that means in terms of the grand picture of the universe was not revealed. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing! Keeping the mystery can be an excellent storytelling tool.

My major complaint is that it's an eyesore to have basically one entire page as a single paragraph. If that was intentional to simulate the protagonist being disorientated, I would advise instead to have MORE paragraphs than normal, rather than fewer. And lots of ellipses.

Overall this wasn't too bad. It's an interesting concept. So keep it up V__V.

I will say that the author certainly has an active imagination. This story really shifts gears pretty quick and is quite a surreal experience.

I'm just going to point out a few things that can be rectified with a little bit of care taken during or after the writing process:

1) Repetitive sentence structure: The first page has a lot of sentences starting with "You feel..." or "You think..." which results in the story being a bit hard to read. It's usually a good idea to try mixing it up a little with sentence structure. It makes for a more pleasant reading experience.

2)POV shift: In some pages, the narrative starts addressing the main character as "I" instead of "You." Neither are wrong, but you have to pick one and use it throughout the entirety of the story.

3) Paragraph structure: Use paragraphs to group sentences conveying a similar idea together. Once again, this will greatly enhance the reading experience. The "What's real anymore?" page for example, has a single long paragraph that is very unappealing to look at. By splitting such large paragraphs into smaller ones, you will improve your story's readability.

I would recommend reading your work aloud to yourself before publishing. It will help you catch most of the above problems and more. Also, do consider asking someone else to proofread your works too. An extra pair of eyes can help cover any blind spots your analysis may have.

Hope this helps. Happy writing :]

I am dead

Hurt my head

should have stayed in bed

found the afterlife instead

Life is unfair

that I declare

only misery there

my shirt i did tear

(Emo poetry finger snapping or whatever the fuck)