Player Comments on Demon within

I'm guessing "Meg" was just on the dog's collar?

bad

Actually fairly interesting with some imaginative imagery but also too short and in need of further development. There were also a few spelling errors that need correcting :)

Despite all the glaring flaws, I found it mildly amusing.

I recommend doing some grammar review and checking out common writing tips from established authors, a quick Google search should give plenty of results. That's a good basis to get ideas on where you can improve.

The best way to improve though, is to write. It's a long process.

Oookay. How should I handle this.

First, I'm assuming you're very young, and while that can't win you any free points here or anything, I'm taking it into consideration. You do have more pages here than I expected from the 1/8 length, but they're all very, very short. You should take your time and include detail about the characters and setting and plot, and not just have people being killed by demons on every page.

Lots of random gore here but you don't yet have the skill to make it disturbing, or the maturity to know when and how to use it effectively. So it just comes off as pointless and a failed attempt at edginess. I can see from your other projects that you like horror, but there's more to that than just meaningless killing.

Keep practicing, check your spelling carefully, use https://www.grammarly.com/handbook/ to brush up on your grammar, try writing out more ambitious, full stories instead of just tiny parts (publishing unfinished work is frowned upon here), and above all, read as much as possible, and try to identify what it is you enjoy about your favorite books, and why the author made the choices they did when writing it and how it all comes together as a complete story with a beginning, middle and end.

It looks like this will be deleted for not meeting minimum site standards, but don't be discouraged. Even if you're not putting anything new up on the site for awhile, you can still practice and improve. I'd recommend writing more regular short stories before tackling CYOAs though, regular stories are a more straightforward way to hone your skill, while CYOAs have a lot of extra work and distractions not related to the actual writing.