Player Comments on Liquid Metal

too much liquid, not enough metal

poop

Great story for 2000 words, I enjoyed it and failed on the last choice (the ‘avatar’ one) the first time but won the second time.

6/8.

Even though you were constrained by a measly 2250 words, I’m happy to say that you still managed to piece together a coherent story. The premise of a bounty hunter bound to kill their target or die has been done a few times before, but not too much so as to make this story cliche. I felt the liquid planet was also an interesting addition, adding a few fantasy elements to spice up this sci-fi world.

That said, however, I found some parts of the story to be difficult to understand. I can tell that you cut out quite a bit in order to make this fit the word limit, leaving the story feeling somewhat rushed. There were quite a few points where I wasn’t sure where exactly my character was, or what was going on. For example, when I left my ship in order to explore the planet’s surface, it took me awhile to realize that I was already standing on it. I had assumed I was still in orbit, and that I first had to fly to the surface in a smaller craft. Normally I would suggest that you spend a little more time describing things and add a few strong transitions to fix this, but I get that doing something like that might be a problem with a word limit. I think the real problem here is that you tried to cram too much into such a small space. It might be better to make the plot a little simpler. Instead of having the story be about a bounty hunt that goes wrong because it leads the hunter to a planet that appears to be controlled entirely by Satan himself, it may have been better to choose just one of these elements and focus on it. Either make the story about a bounty hunt gone wrong, or about someone discovering the planet and getting possessed by it, but not both. That way, you’ll have had time to explore each idea a little more fully.

Despite all this, I was still able to piece together what the story was actually about, albeit with a little more effort than it should have taken. I want to make it very clear that your ideas weren’t the problem, just that they might have been executed better in a story without the word limit. I really do think it’s an interesting premise, just that it wasn’t given enough room to grow.

SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE

LIQUUUUUUUUUUID