Player Comments on The Bloods: Chapter 1

I really didn't like it as much as I should have, sorry.

The writing was really good, although a bit choppy at some points. Although I can't exactly see a clear picture of what's going on, I can use what details you provided to visualize the situations my character is in.

What caught me off guard was the fact that it's incomplete. I understand there was going to be multiple chapters, but that didn't happen and it's been years. So now, we have an incomplete story that I have no idea what happened in after the end of chapter one.

Another reason I disliked what you did with the whole multiple chapters idea was that, while it wasn't, it felt like a demo.

Like awesomeness1242 said, please work on your past tense/present tense writing, because a story doesn't make any sense when you change it like that. Even if you meant to switch between them, it sounds weird when they switch in the middle of a storygame. For example:

"Bob gets up, then he went downstairs."

It just doesn't sound right and it makes no sense.

I think you had a neat plotline here, and a good main idea for the storygame, but there were opportunities to flesh it out more. And more detail would have been nice :)

I'll say 3/8.

Pretty interesting story you've got going on here, and several of your scenes are doing pretty well. However, I would advise that you have to be a bit careful when doing Chaptered storygames, since there might be multiple outcomes on your future installments. If that is the case, pay heed to what you write; a story can branch out a lot of ways after this.

If that's too much trouble to deal with, you can make one large story instead, so you can keep track of how differently the player can digress from the other paths.

Good job. I want to see more of this.

Good Job! For a First, Anyways.
I liked the idea, and where it was going. Sadly, I noticed a few things:
You seemed to switch around past and present-tense a couple times. And even when you were in the past tense mode (which is where I assume you intended to be), it felt awkward and out of place for a story. This is just a thought, but consider sticking the whole thing in present tense. Try it out. You may like it better.
The story revolves around colored blood, which seems to power you up somehow. While the idea itself was great and new, it wasn't executed all that great. Part of it was that the story just wasn't long enough, and it didn't let us do anything or try our own powers. I'd recommend stretching the story, and maybe even letting the player decide their lineage (but that can be another game :)).
Finally, there were only two options, and even then, they sent you to the same place eventually.
Other than these minor(ish) things, the story was simple with a smart idea, and I hope you make it longer or make a new one. Good job for a first!
4/8.

its great

I love it so much I can't wait for chapter 2

l hope the this story well get more people .

This is a very intriguing and original concept, though unfortunately executed poorly

I'm sorry, I have to say this. Firstly, I thought it may be a YA fantasy parody, yeah that might be better if you phrase it that way. I had splitted it into several parts, because these stories deserve one. I hope the admins will be convinced that this is below the site's standards and should be deleted.

Part I: Trope galore

I think you have honestly broken every rule imaginable for making a story.
Firstly, you infodumped the whole lore of a world that I don't even care about. Secondly the author's note should never be in the middle of the story, put this thing in the description or at the end. Thirdly, you then added the "morning routine" scene shortly after I endured the whole infodump. This is true sadism indeed. Lastly, the government is now out to get you because of your awakened magical heritage? How in the depths of the mountains of despair did they find you? A GPS tracker or something? To add rub more salt in my wounds, this story isn't even a stand-alone, it isn't even complete. In order to make a series, please make it so that this story could stand on its own feet. Now it doesn't really achieve that. You settled me with a cliff hanger.


Part II: friendship is description.

The descriptions of your friends are also rather questionable. Davis, your black-haired MALE friend. Why should I care about his black hair. Is it plot relevant? David is a male name; why the hell should I explicitly know that he is male? Wasn't he male yesterday? To make this description better; scrap the male part and add just a bit more flavour text that indicates how close you are to him. Maybe he is your childhood friend, maybe he always makes you laugh or maybe you are just mere acquaintances. If you so desire to say that he has black hair, one way to do that is to compare him to another person. In real life people don't describe their friend's hair colour willy nilly. They either do that to compare themselves to their friend or when their appearance reflects their personality. Think of the fedorahs that these weird people always wear in order to look "cool". Maybe this friend David had dyed his hair black out of pure spite of his parents. Look, you already have unintentionally added more character to him.

Part III your name
Your name, oh your name. I don't really care what my name is, I really don't care. You can call the player Bob; that would've been less awkward than this. Simply adding this (your name) breaks the immersion completely.
You can go two ways in solving this. The first option is to make the player a fleshed out character with a own personality and stuff.
The second option is to never mention the player's name. Persona 5 did it for example by letting the other characters call the player by his nickname "Joker". You can do it too with your story and this makes the whole ordeal less awkward to read and you'll still have a player-insert character. Give the player an gender ambiguous nickname like "Scout" or something. Problem solved.

Part IV Bugs
Did you remember the whole exposition page about the different types of creatures you could be? Well, sure as hell I have. In the middle part you get the chance to click on it again to read through the infodump twice. It also made you jump back in time and it forces you to click through all of these banal choices all over again! This could be easily solved with the help of a few variables or just copying the text to another page. It's not that hard. I am normally pretty lax in regards to badly written fiction, but I can't stand these obvious page linking mistakes. It's as if you never even tried to playtest this even once before publishing it on this site.

This is what really pisses me off. I like bad stuff as long as they have heart to it and many stories have that at least. This is the reason why I find them so charming in a way. These kind of mistakes I see in this story just show me that there is no love put into the story at all. It's a low effort rushed mess.

I can see that you tried to make readable sentences and hopefully you are perhaps a child or a teenager when you had made this. Please just unpublish it and make something better. I know that you probably can. I hope you do know that yourself. Put a bit more heart into it and you'll see that a better story will come out of it.

This really wasn't that bad of a story. There were some grammatical and tense issues, but nothing extreme. The main issue is that it is incomplete. So, without a part two, I have to judge this story as it is. And it is unfinished, with some mistakes and issues. But I really do hope you finish this sometime.

could use some work

Next chapter, please. =-D

Has some page errors, re-do it!

Not the best I wish it was longer.

I really enjoyed it. Lots of fun and the fact I'm a silver blood is really cool

I suggest putting in some sections that allow the reader to select the gender, the name, the color, and other options so these descriptions can be used instead of generic terms. It would eliminate the distracting portions where you type in (color) or some other generic term.

I like the story its a new freah idea although some parts of the story seemed like it shouldnt be there try to maintain one tense. Other than that i really enjoyed it ^-^ good job

I hope you make more chapters

Linear and needs more content.

It was interesting, but I personally disapprove of small 'episodes'. I'd much rather a full game, and then a sequel or two if needs be. But this was really short...

Good job! :D