Player Comments on The Journey of Caroline Winters

Not the worst thing I've seen. You have too many things going on at the same time, though. Also, I tried running through a second time with taking a "Loner" path, not pursuing anyone, with the first being trying to romance everyone at once, and it changed the story only slightly.
A good example you could learn from is Eternal, by Endmaster. Don't model your story like his, but note how he deftly transitions between time periods and makes sure the reader knows where they are, when they are, and how/why they are there. You would also do good seeing how he makes the little "random" moments, like not visiting a temple, and then your girlfriend randomly gets mind controlled to follow that temple's religion and proceed to murder you, seem like they aren't random at all.

You also need to branch out the stories. It seemed that most choices aren't really choices, and instead different paths to the same endpoint. This is fine in small quantities, as it allows the reader to feel more in control than they really are, and also can strengthen the overall story. However, you used it often, making the story seem dull the second time through.

Now for grammar. While I understand that English isn't your first language, you can still use tools like Google Translate to improve your text. While I didn't have to reread anything to understand it, the poor grammar was slightly annoying, and could easily be fixed.

You might also want to put up, at the end of the story, a little note that says you are building another chapter. That was not added, and for a brief moment I thought you had just ended the story randomly, before I remembered that you said you were adding chapters in the intro. Some of the more fast paced readers may not realize this and just move on to the next story, never coming back to this.

And, finally, you should consider putting in an "item" that lists the people in the story, like Peter and Matt, as it can be hard to keep track of everyone amidst the reading. It would also help clarify things for the reader, in case they skim or load a save. I, personally, thought that Peter talked like a father, even though he is an ex-boyfriend. The term "kid", how you used it in this story, would be where a father figure addresses a youthful person, usually with advice on how to run their life. By the way, "Kiss" as a way of ending a text or a letter should either be a sequence of X's and O's, or "Kisses, ____", at least the way I see it. I hope this helped!

Haha deja vu here :D You have done well, this shows a lot of improvement from your last version and it all reads pretty well. Unfortunately the story is still a fairly typical work experience, people read to escape their day to day lives - not to re-live them. Also the script style of writing,
Matt: I say this.
You: I disagree.
Matt: I'm going to hit you with a pogo stick,
This is not the best way of writing. For someone who is using English as a second language you have done really very well but I think the plot might need a little more excitement or spice, but then again because I am a boy these sort of stories do not appeal to me a great deal :) You have a good writing style though and you should definitely write more, the main concern is the story does not seem to be going anywhere... in fifty or so chapters I could imagine being in the exact same situation I am after three. It needs a bit more development, risk, danger, excitement etc :D But overall, pretty good :) 5/8

please continue- I enjoyed this!

PLEASEEEEEEEE CONTINUEEEEEEE

Please continue the story????

The storyline is so good I can't get enough.

Wow. I did not expect this kind of length in the story. I actually felt like I was in a romance novel with developing characters and relationships happening around me. It's not something I see in many stories here so it was certainly very immersive.

The way the story was presented, however, could do with improvement. The way that speech is written, for example - it reads like a script out of a play. There's also multiple spelling and grammar errors which will annoy readers.

Oh, and parts of it are rather cliche but I really liked the setting and how you can flirt with various guys or choose to keep things appropriate. Felt like I had a real hand in the dating game as I got to know these characters.

Overall, I feel this story has a lot of potential. There's some decent length and it could do with some more branches, but I enjoyed it and liked the characters that you built up.

Otome : Is-it Love? Gabriel ??
Pure plagiarism
Create your own story

I have to admit that I quickly started picturing "Matt" as... Matt Bellamy! And I just kept on playing the game and ditching Colin to get to the Matt moments to impress him... Please add a nice story line for Matt and Caroline! Thank you, this storygame is very entertaining!

This game was really good i hope you continue it- PF

When will there be more chapters?

Pleeeeease continue this!!!

well, its seems nice, i will wait until it finish's the story so i can come back and try again ^^ :) :D

Really good story line PART 2 PLEASE

IT ENDED AT A CLIFF HANGER!!! I WANT MORE. :(

Okay

One of the best! I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

There were numerous spelling errors and you could use a proof reader, but I like the story and you should continue.

This was pretty good for a first story, but I found myself skimming over a lot of it. There's not much going on, and everything is too... detailed, I guess.

There are a few grammatical errors, plus some odd spacing, so you might want to fix that. In the end, this story is okay, but there's really not much to say about it. So.

Couple things I forgot to add. One, the dialogue. Screenplay style dialogue doesn't belong in a story. It's a little strange too because you start out with regular dialogue and then abruptly switch over.

Secondly, that little pink paragraph in the description? Speaking of punctuation errors again, it's absolutely littered with them and doesn't give readers the greatest first impression of your story.

There are some grammatical issues of course, but with English not being your first language that's understandable. What's harder to look past are the punctuation and capitalization errors all over the place, that I don't think being ESL can account for, so much as a lack of proofreading.

As far as the plot goes, I'm in agreement with Will. This was a longer than average story, and that's usually a good thing, except in this case it seemed to take an awful lot of words for nothing much to happen. And of course, posting 'chapters' is still very discouraged here, unless they can work as standalone stories in their own right.

Criticism aside, this was a definite improvement from your last story, and I did like that you included Save links throughout it. The player can save at any time but often doesn't think to...and while I think 'save points' might be more appropriate in a game with a plot involving greater stakes for the character, it's still a nice idea.